Random Thoughts

Five days.
Five days left.
Five days left before surgery.
Five days left before surgery changes my life.
Five days left before surgery changes my life and . . . ? ? ? ?

It seems as though the clock is ticking, ticking way too fast. The 10-day weather forecast now has my surgery date smack in the middle of the run. What will life be like on the "other side"? How long will it take for me to get home? What condition will I be in? How many parts will they remove in order to rid cancer from this body? Will I have any extra appendages upon arrival home? Will I get to go home?

I'm sure these thoughts are confusing to many. However, to me they are real and serious. These thoughts plague me as I go about everyday life routine, as I awaken, as I try to get to sleep, as I squeeze my babies, even as I laugh at something funny. Will I get to be here to keep laughing?

Some think that this "issue" I am dealing with is just that . . . an issue. They've brushed it off as something that's no big deal, something to just kinda get through. You know who you are. You perceive your life to be so much more valuable than mine. To you, I'm just a nobody who holds no value on this earth. To you, I don't handle cancer "right" and therefore, am not deserving of compassion. Oddly enough, you who have judged me are the very ones who have never walked this walk, have never had a cancer diagnosis, have never had really anything "hit" your life. There's more than one of you who hold these thoughts. There are, however, many many who have encouraged, strengthened and uplifted me during this very difficult season of life. And, you know who you are! I know who you are too . . . and I am grateful for you. I consider you a gift that can't be matched! I will choose to focus upon the blessings that God has bestowed upon my life and not think about the crud that these referenced "others" dish my way. I refuse to waste more time on them and their mind games.

So, with that dose of reality from my world, I apologize. I apologize for being too human, for not being a better trusting child of God, for having thoughts and fears that are unpleasant to talk about. I really don't know what to do with this fourth round of cancer upon me. Five years ago, I remember reading about a man who had a second recurrence with cancer. At that time, I was certain that a recurrence meant the end . . . how would one get through it. I've now done that recurrence trip three times. Will I be one of those who has written about them "battled cancer for XX number of years"? Or will I be one of those who gets to look back and see that this is a part of my past, my history, a rather short season of my lengthy life? I am, of course, begging of the Lord that He allows the latter. It's not that I don't want to see Him face-to-face. It's that I struggle something awful with this role of being mother to my five precious blessings. I grew up without the love of a mother and the thought of my children not having their greatest fan, supporter, encourager . . . literally makes me sick.

As I prepare for another night of sleep, I am asking the Lord to have mercy upon my mind. Mercy that will allow good rest without the thoughts that have no place in the mind of His child. My focus is fuzzy tonight . . . it needs to be cleared by the One and Only.