The Results

Last night, after a very long painful day, the phone call came. The one anticipated from the doctor who held the news of the PET/CT scan results. Taking a deep breath as I acknowledged her voice, I stepped out of the room to be able to "talk the talk" with her. There was still this hope in me that a miracle would be realized at this moment . . . that she might say "we're confused, nothing shows". That was not to be. The results were very clear -- two spots definitely "lit up" on the scan indicating metabolic activity . . . or in non-medical terms . . . cancer activity. This must be dealt with and quickly were her directions. "Tuesday, January 4, 2011 is open on my schedule, would this work for you?" I was asked. Staring out the window in shock, I responded with a weak "yes". We finished with a few other details concerning specifics of what exactly would be removed; however, an equally overwhelming part of the conversation was the push for chemotherapy following surgery. As I have been told before, this particular regimen of chemo would involve at least six months, perhaps up to one year. Very strongly, I was reminded of the "recurrent risk" that is extremely high without chemo. Very calmly, I reminded her that I've done chemo for six months only to have the cancer return eight months later. Of course, there is no good reply to this. In the world of western medicine, chemo is the only option for "preventative treatment" for cancer recurrence.

This morning, I awoke to a call from the doctor's office with enough detail to quickly bring me back to reality, the reality I may have temporarily forgotten during my slumber. Shortly after, another phone call came. This call was the confirmation call to schedule surgery. On the calendar now is another date that until now, didn't mean much to our home. No birthdays or special events have taken this "block" on the wall . . . until now. Now, this block will hold yet another day this Mama has surgery, the fourth surgery in attempts to thwart this cancerous assault upon my body.

Today has been filled with ups and downs, and lots of tears . . . tears that have been shed while by myself. This time of year is rather tricky to encounter such news as I have been given in recent days. I've got children who are excited for Christmas . . . especially the little chicks. How do I hold it together on the outside while on the inside, my heart is aching and my thoughts are scared beyond belief at to what God may "allow". As talked about in the "54 Months" post, I don't want today to end.

Oh, how I wish I could stop the clock.