Four Weeks Out

Four weeks out and I'm getting stronger day by day.
Four weeks out and I don't need help on the stairs anymore.
Four weeks out and I can laugh without grabbing my gut for support!
Four weeks out and I can flip french toast for my family . . . while standing!
Four weeks out and I can turn over in bed . . . and it doesn't hurt!

Four weeks out and . . . now there are decisions to be made about treatment.

These decisions are challenging, difficult and nearly impossible at best. These are the decisions we've been bringing before the Lord for clarity, direction, purpose, and certainty. These are the decisions we are seeking peace in, regardless of His direction. These decisions are ones I'm not ready to share just yet. For in this sharing, there will be much controversy. Some will agree with our decision, some will strongly oppose our decision. It is these "decisions", however, that belong to the Lord. It is not for all to understand, as very very few are able to even go where The Main Man and I stand today. So many think they know best and assume "everything will be just fine". So many, however, have not taken even a second to listen, hear or learn what life and death realities we are facing right now. There is no good answer. No matter what is decided, the future is so incredibly uncertain for me . . . there is literally not one I can even talk with about it. No one knows what I face . . . except for my Lord.

He is with me at all times.
He is sustaining me.
He is aching with this mother's heart.
He is holding me close and carrying me through this valley.
He . . . LOVES me!

This past month of January, spent nearly entirely in recovery, had many hard and miserable days. I have felt hallow, empty and worthless in trying to find the new "me" amidst the sudden onset of menopause and a more severe cancer diagnosis. I have had the ache of people's judgment and expectation to which I wasn't able to perform. I have had the ache of extended family who no longer care for or love me, even in the sheer devastation my immediate family and I face. I have had the ache of those I thought were friends consider their pointless activities to outweigh any element of my recovery. I have had attacks upon my children nearly cause me to crawl out of my skin in effort to defend my babes. I have felt absolutely shredded.

Is this how Christ felt? Perhaps in a minute sort of way. His suffering was so much more. How sad that this is what we as a people did, have done and still do to Him today. I have learned that in all things I am to give praise . . . even in this that we now face. I have learned that He is my "all in all". I have learned that He cares about me more than any other. I have learned that He loves my children far more than I . . . for they are His! I have learned to carry my head high (even when I don't want to raise it for another whack) because it is He who lives in me and gives me breath to breathe. I know that regardless of the outcome of this earthly life I live, I will spend eternity with my Lord, Christ Jesus. Will you??

My prayer for any of you reading this is that no matter where you are in your relationship with the Lord, you come to know Him better. If you don't have a relationship with the Lord, I pray you come to find Him. This is the most single important decision of your life. You may never have to face situations such as I am facing today. But, if you don't know Him and don't come to trust Him with your salvation, you will be risking your life with greater danger than I face with treatment options.

He created you.
He gave you life.
He longs to live in you.
He yearns to call you His own. Do you hear Him?

Four weeks out and . . . I am becoming closer than ever to my Lord and Savior!