Here I sit, 20 years and five minutes after I walked down the aisle to marry my Main Man. Here I sit, in tears at the reality of my life. Never did I think, dream, or fathom that I would be so deeply plagued with the "in sickness" part of our vows that have ravaged my body.
Just moments ago, I got off the phone from cancelling a PET/CT scan the oncologist ordered for me to determine why I am having such extreme pelvic pain. I can't do it . . . not right now. There is no peace from the One who guides me. It's postponed for now as I pray and ponder other options for treating what may be going on in my body. Before me is a pile of papers addressing alternative therapies including diet, exercise, supplements, enzymes, attitude, etc. These things are nothing new, just being revisited as I decipher what direction the Lord is leading.
Today, I should be rejoicing that a man, my Main Man, has stood by me for 20 years. I should be celebrating in the love that we share. The time leading up to our marriage was filled with excitement and thrill between us as we dreamed of our future together. The time leading up to our marriage, however, was also filled with great turmoil as the woman who was called my mother was stirring trouble, unrest and conflict as best she could over the jealousy she had upon me. Two weeks prior to our wedding, she cancelled the entire event in a fit of rage. Being the "good daughter", I begged, pleaded and promised to do whatever she wanted if we could just have the wedding. This caused great rift between this bride and groom. (WOW, just realized I referred to myself as the "bride"! My mother never allowed me to enjoy that honored role. My wedding day was all about her and what kind of display she could put on for others to see.) In order to save face, this person claiming the role of mother in my life, allowed the "event" to occur . . . of course, with much praise from all at what a fantastic day she put together. (I was not permitted to make even one choice about our wedding day because "she was paying for it". Didn't even get to have a say about my wedding dress.)
As I have spent years trying to heal from this, I still have a hard time looking at our wedding pictures. We do have one hanging in the hall, but the album is put away in a cupboard, not having been out for years. Sometimes I really consider how much of that day I have allowed her to steal. The good that came from that day is that my Main Man chose ME! He loved me so much that he was convinced I was for HIM and God had had ordained that choice. He said we'd get married no matter what . . . even if we eloped. Perhaps that would have been a better choice considering the history that followed with the meddling of both sets of parents. Neither twosome respected the vows they took when the congregation was asked to support and encourage this new young couple. My Main Man's parents were upset he would be living elsewhere, while my parents were upset that an outsider was entering the picture to "see" all the mind-games that were standard procedure at my home.
And here we are . . . 20 years and five minutes later. Those years and minutes have been filled with much blessing, yet much unexpected trial. We have five fantabulously marvelous blessings in our three sons and two daughters. Two precious blessings have already made their way to be with our Lord . . . two more dear sons. We have always had food on our table and a roof over our heads. We've been financially blessed to take care of anything we need. We have, however, struggled great spiritual battle as we try to part from the ties of family who don't support our walk with the Lord. Of those, there are many. Of those, in fact, none remain. Health for me, remains a huge trial. My Main Man has ridden a tough road beside me in hospital beds and on the couch at home. I don't think he was prepared for what was ahead of him. Life's challeges, I thought, had already been had as my childhood was filled with the misery fighting parents, a physically abusive father, an emotionally separated mother, long-term effects from open-heart surgery, and the deep internalizing of all this unsettledness. My goodness, is it any wonder I battle colon cancer?
Today, a dear someone prayed with me. Not knowing it was our 20th anniversary, she asked of the Lord to make this day a point of new start, a turning point of sorts as I further kick off more dust of days past and press on toward Him. The Lord met me there! Though I have tears, I am hopeful! It seems this process of shedding, is daily, minute by minute, moment by moment trusting in Him.
Our wedding day . . . July 27, 1991! Fresh and anticipatory for the future!
20 years later . . . not quite twice as old, but a whole lot more experienced!