Monday, September 5, 2011

Here With Me

You know, the whole summer I've suspected something just wasn't right with the pains I was feeling. But, trying to keep the "what ifs" of cancer out of my mind, I kept fabricating, justifying, considering, hoping for all types of other reasons. Now that a fifth slam with cancer has been confirmed, the past four days have taken on a whole new look. While there have been many many tears, there has also been a strange development of sad/mad feelings. Sad/mad you ask? Well, I don't want to cultivate anger, yet I'm really not happy about this news. Therefore, it kind of feels like a huge enormous sadness, but that doesn't seem to really capture it. I'm not mad at God . . . I think I'm terribly confused and probably quite hurt. However . . .

Back nearly 40 years ago, I officially placed my life in His hands. That earthly surrender was for Him to have His way with my life . . . whatever His plan for my life may be. There certainly have been some unexpected turns, paths I hadn't anticipated, joys I couldn't fathom, mercies undeserved. When I asked the Lord into my life, I knew it was the right choice, the only decision. He has had a firm grip on me through some incredibly tumultuous periods of life that date back to birth. I have seen Him clearly through tear-filled eyes. I have experienced His compassion at times my heart was simply crushed. I have had peace that genuinely does pass all understanding. And now again, He is here with me, providing what a Heavenly Father does best . . . loving me. Loving me in my broken sadness, aching heart, confused earthy mind, and weakened body.

This song brought me to tears earlier today when the boys had it playing while we were preparing lunch. I thought I might be able to disguise my tears from them because I was cutting onions . . . no deal, they were onto me! The Main Man came over with his strong arms to engulf my shoulders. Please listen and allow our precious Heavenly Father to minister to you through these words. My burden was made lighter, my heart was made fuller, my smile was made wider. (Make sure to go to the bottom of my blog and stop the other music so you can listen to this song at this post.)



From the depths of my heart, Lord, I can feel your presence here with me. I am lost within your beauty, caught up in the wonder of your touch. Yes, again Lord, I surrender to your love, your grace, to the One who took my place. I know I'm not alone for you've called me as your own long before I drew breath. I'll continue the walk with you . . . even though I think you're carrying me right now.

8 comments:

  1. This video was so beautiful! I have never heard that song....I loved reading each of the scriptures that came up throughout the song.

    As I read your fb and other comments people have been leaving you....you are so very loved, respected, and bathed in prayer! May God's peace and grace be multiplied abundantly in your heart!
    Love and hugs!
    Jan

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  2. Cathy, I'm on my knees in his presence with you for you and because of you !! I love you my sweet friend <3 thank you for sharing... He is with is Always!!! Hugs love and prayers!!



    Patty

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  3. Cathy,
    We saw the light of HIS Presence in You this evening.You and your family are filled with HIS Grace.
    We Love You,
    The Borruels

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  4. Keep writing Cathy! Continue being honest, continue sharing. It's okay to be mad, it's okay to be sad, it's liberating to be thankful and then do it all over again! We are all on our own journey and you have so much to give!

    I love you,
    Alex

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  5. Hi Cathy, I love all the songs you have on your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart, it is truly a testimony to the Lord of where ANY strength or peace comes from. Tell the main man good job, I got a beautiful picture of Love(in your home)I smiled (yea!no tears)and a burden was lifted for me as well. Thank you for being a Godly (and real) example to us all! You are continuously on my mind and a prayer in my heart. Much love and prayers to you, my friend! Love you Tracy xo

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  6. Cathy,
    Our dear friend, Tina, has been sharing with me the story of your battle with cancer, and she recently pointed me to your blog. Thank you for your testimony and transparency! My heart has been so touched. You and your family have regularly been in my family's prayers. Our church family has also been going before the throne of our great God for you and your family. I know the roller coaster of emotions that come as deep trials are brought to our lives and am grateful that our God cares more than we can often comprehend, graciously listening to our frustrations, sadness, anger, hurt, etc. I've been thankful for His patience with me many a time and know I can run to Him for refuge. I pray that He gives you that peace that passes all understanding as you face each day. I want Him to heal you! That is my main prayer. Isaiah 26:3-4

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  7. Oh, Cathy, my tears are sweet tonight; filled with thankfulness and praise for my precious Lord and His love for you. Thank you so much for allowing us a brief glimpse into your sweet kitchen. You have blessed all of us who love you so dearly by sharing this moment. It was like cool water to a hot and thirsty soul....I love you soooooo much.
    Karen Weiss XoXoXo

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  8. Cathy

    We love you so much! Thanks for pointing us to the deeper meanings of the words to this song. God is Wondful! With you, we surrender to his will; to his love. We surrender to the One who took our place. God is good...all the time.

    We love you,

    Your Six

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So glad to hear from you! ~The Mama