This blog (or should I say my life) is starting to look like some I've "watched" over time. You know, the kind where horrible circumstance inspires curiosity . . . a parent or child struggling with a terrible disease or cancer; a child that has died; a parent that has died; the life after an awful accident. You know, those that make you cry when you don't even know the afflicted. Why, as a people, are we drawn to observe - typcially from a distance? I believe it's because God is at the very center of each one us, having created a deep place for love within our core . . . whether you want to believe in Him or not. Me, I'm guilty of "watching" blogs such as I've referenced. Very quickly, however, my heart becomes attached and I am drawn to pray for their situation. I hope that is what you are drawn to do for me and my family. Each one of us is experiencing our own version of this cancer. Not one isn't scarred, tired, or scared.
Right now, I am crying. My head is swimming with all the details I've tried to get in alignment just for functioning purposes. Many regular life issues happened today -- nothing too unusual for a family of seven. Although, as the day progressed, my footing began to slip. I could feel it happening as if my legs were losing muscle strength. Now, here at an hour past dinner that has yet to be served, I feel like a pile of limp spaghetti noodles (without sauce, by the way). My skin is crawling, my tears are falling, my heart is pounding. Oh, how do I shield the many little eyes around me from this ugly side of our reality?
Yesterday, was an incredible breath of relief! The Lord provided strength for me to dance with Him. My pain was little, barely noticeable. My sleep was sweeter than it had been in months. My heart was beating a chipper beat. These "treats" spilled over upon my precious family and soon they, too, were dancing! The encouragement from the Lord revitalized this weary soul to a point I didn't know possible. I awoke this morning a bit not as rested. But, that wasn't going to stop me! I was focused upon Him not for the moment, but for who He is yesterday, today and tomorrow.
While I may not be as challenged as on Sunday, the me in me is not as good as yesterday. The straw that nearly broke this camel's back today was the conflict in trying to schedule a consult with the radiation oncologist. The office girl was so passive about what I needed. Perhaps my "stage 4" classification needing "radiation for pain management" that interrupted her computer solitaire game was rather intrusive. (Oooh, that sounds a little spicy on my part. But, I really do think that's what was going on.) I sat there on hold feeling like a nothing, someone who wasn't important anymore. Why . . . because I am just trying to "buy some more time"? Do you know what it took for me to surrender in making that call to schedule beams of red to penetrate my body? Do you know the difficulty my mind has in grasping radiation or pain pills? And, this "clerk" was so passive.
Passive is such an empty word. It means you are blah on everything. I don't like passive. I like vibrant! Vibrant means life is with purpose! Life that has choices made with zeal, zest and exuberance! Isn't that how God would have us to life for Him. Let us not forget that He came to give us life and life more abundantly . . . not passively.
So, with bedtime quickly approaching and my babes needing some skin to skin contact, I will pop a pain pill for the anticipated slumber. This will calm me. My Lord, however, will refresh and strengthen me for His purpose. For those of you who may not know my Lord, He can be yours too. He yearns for that relationship with you. While my journey has been insurmountable at times, without Him . . . I wouldn't be here.
Listen to that still small voice . . . He's calling.
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