Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Passive Is An Ugly Word

This blog (or should I say my life) is starting to look like some I've "watched" over time. You know, the kind where horrible circumstance inspires curiosity . . . a parent or child struggling with a terrible disease or cancer; a child that has died; a parent that has died; the life after an awful accident. You know, those that make you cry when you don't even know the afflicted. Why, as a people, are we drawn to observe - typcially from a distance? I believe it's because God is at the very center of each one us, having created a deep place for love within our core . . . whether you want to believe in Him or not. Me, I'm guilty of "watching" blogs such as I've referenced. Very quickly, however, my heart becomes attached and I am drawn to pray for their situation. I hope that is what you are drawn to do for me and my family. Each one of us is experiencing our own version of this cancer. Not one isn't scarred, tired, or scared.

Right now, I am crying. My head is swimming with all the details I've tried to get in alignment just for functioning purposes. Many regular life issues happened today -- nothing too unusual for a family of seven. Although, as the day progressed, my footing began to slip. I could feel it happening as if my legs were losing muscle strength. Now, here at an hour past dinner that has yet to be served, I feel like a pile of limp spaghetti noodles (without sauce, by the way). My skin is crawling, my tears are falling, my heart is pounding. Oh, how do I shield the many little eyes around me from this ugly side of our reality?

Yesterday, was an incredible breath of relief! The Lord provided strength for me to dance with Him. My pain was little, barely noticeable. My sleep was sweeter than it had been in months. My heart was beating a chipper beat. These "treats" spilled over upon my precious family and soon they, too, were dancing! The encouragement from the Lord revitalized this weary soul to a point I didn't know possible. I awoke this morning a bit not as rested. But, that wasn't going to stop me! I was focused upon Him not for the moment, but for who He is yesterday, today and tomorrow.

While I may not be as challenged as on Sunday, the me in me is not as good as yesterday. The straw that nearly broke this camel's back today was the conflict in trying to schedule a consult with the radiation oncologist. The office girl was so passive about what I needed. Perhaps my "stage 4" classification needing "radiation for pain management" that interrupted her computer solitaire game was rather intrusive. (Oooh, that sounds a little spicy on my part. But, I really do think that's what was going on.) I sat there on hold feeling like a nothing, someone who wasn't important anymore. Why . . . because I am just trying to "buy some more time"? Do you know what it took for me to surrender in making that call to schedule beams of red to penetrate my body? Do you know the difficulty my mind has in grasping radiation or pain pills? And, this "clerk" was so passive.

Passive is such an empty word. It means you are blah on everything. I don't like passive. I like vibrant! Vibrant means life is with purpose! Life that has choices made with zeal, zest and exuberance! Isn't that how God would have us to life for Him. Let us not forget that He came to give us life and life more abundantly . . . not passively.

So, with bedtime quickly approaching and my babes needing some skin to skin contact, I will pop a pain pill for the anticipated slumber. This will calm me. My Lord, however, will refresh and strengthen me for His purpose. For those of you who may not know my Lord, He can be yours too. He yearns for that relationship with you. While my journey has been insurmountable at times, without Him . . . I wouldn't be here.

Listen to that still small voice . . . He's calling.

5 comments:

  1. Apathy--another word like passive. Yuck; I so know what that sounds like. I,too, have found apathy to be my least favorite character trait in dealing with myself and others. It is almost as if we are just "acting" in some strange play, instead of living a true life full of love, pain, tears, indecision, joy, emptiness, contentment, reckless adoration, hunger, sickness.....oh, what a range of emotions we have been given to experience. And yet, when we run up against passivity or apathy we feel completely stymied in how to handle such a block wall in comparison to our own passion-filled, messy, beautiful lives.
    And speaking of beautiful lives--well, here you are Cathy Williams. Beautiful, raw, passionate, the very opposite of apathy or passivity.
    It is only the Lord that can wake up our passive, sleepy minds and make us hear the beautiful symphony of feelings he has filled us with. And you, my love, are awake and aware of the Holy Spirit and His insistent calling in that beautiful, still, small voice to awaken and see the life and plan he has in front of us TODAY, RIGHT NOW, THIS VERY MOMENT.
    Thank you for this reminder today. Timely as always. There is no room for apathy in our walk with the Lord or in our dealing with his people. Feel something!! Pain, sadness, joy, exuberance, just wake up and feel something. For God's sake.

    Love you madly,
    Karen Weiss

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  2. Thanks for the reminder on being "passive" and how it affects others.
    Love the invitation at the end of this post.
    Thank you for always thinking of others in the midst of everything.
    Of course praying for you and now praying in agreement with Karen from the previous comment.
    Anything we could possibly do as bloggers or friends, say the word.

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  3. Once again you are amazing in what you are sharing and I'm sorry that when you made the call that you had to be put on hold...if only she knew the strength it took you to make that call. Keep living vibrantly and looking forward to seeing you again soon.

    Love ya, Connie
    P.S. Was down at your favorite place on Monday!! Balboa Island...thought of you and prayed for you at sunset!

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  4. Dear Friend, I continue to pray for you and your precious family. I can't even begin to imagine what you are feeling. But, just know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs!

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  5. Hi Cathy, I jumped over from The ChattyMommy and am so sorry to hear about your recent news. I also read the comment from Connie, whom I met a few years ago in blogland and we have become friends. She lives in my old stompin' grounds and you do, I too LOVE Balboa!! I hope to be able to stop by often and keep up with your journey. I will certainly be praying for your family!!

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So glad to hear from you! ~The Mama