The Dining Room is Empty

There's no blow-up mattress sitting in the middle of the room between the Hello Kitty table and baby doll changing station and play kitchen set-up. There's no suitcase with precious belongings opened in the corner. There's no black purse sitting off by the side of the mattress. There's no tall bottle of water perched for those midnight sips. There's no extra towel in the downstairs bathroom. There's no pair of glasses sitting on the bookshelf that don't belong to my people. There's no additional giggle in the air. There's . . . no Hudsy here anymore.

This morning as I awoke to my usual routine of "opening" up for the day, I was slapped with the very empty reality that Hudsy was no longer here. She has gone. She has returned home. Our arms are aching to hug her. Our hearts are aching to love her. Our souls are aching to laugh with her. Our eyes are aching to see her!

During my recovery time, we received a very wonderful sacrificial gift in the coming of Hudsy to our home. She came to love on each of my babes. She came to help The Main Man keep things going. She came to love on me and get me over this hurdle of a fourth cancer surgery. She came to be the grandma she is to my children and the mother she is to me. She is not, however, a blood relative. She has made a choice to love us like none other have. She has loved, bathed, cleaned, cooked, comforted, marketed, driven, nurtured, laughed, listened, re-focused each of our challenged hearts, bodies, and minds. For this, we are blessed beyond measure, blessed beyond what words can describe, blessed beyond what a heart can contain.

While there is much sadness that she is gone, there is much joy in the fact that in just three days, it will be 21 days since surgery . . . nearly three weeks have passed. Incredible milestones have been accomplished in this monumental healing process. And, though there remains considerable recovery still to conquer, strength yet to regain . . . health is returning to this slaughtered body of mine. Tears seem to flow far to easily (probably somewhat due to the hysterectomy), yet there's so much I can do without help.

Oh, Praise be to the Lord!

On Tuesday, the 25th (James's 17th birthday), we'll meet with the surgeon for a post-surgery follow up visit. On this day, we will receive pathology results, as well as the projected "treatment" plan. While we already have a vague understanding of what this entails, specifics will be laid out before us. What will the recipe be of radiation and chemotherapy? Of even greater concern, however, is . . . is this the Lord's leading? Is there another plan He has for the healing of my body? Presently, we are waiting upon Him for this direction. We've been in this place before and while it's not our favorite place to be, we know the leading of the Lord. He does not work in a spirit of confusion, but a peace that passes all understanding. Have you experienced that peace before? I have many times. It's unexplainable and magnificent! Rejoice with me, won't you, for who He IS!

Nine Days Out!

Here I am . . . nine days out of surgery! Praise the Lord for bringing me to this day! Truthfully, I wasn't able to fathom this day before surgery. There was just this big huge block of life that had to occur on the fourth of January . . . totally couldn't see beyond that date. BUT, here I am . . . walking, talking, laughing, snuggling my babes, and eating more than jell-o!

Of course, the last ten days have been horrendous in ways, yet miraculous in others. It started Monday, the third, with pre-op preparations at the hospital and at home. At the hospital, there was the customary . . . blood draw, EKG, 792 questions about me and my health history, oh and the two hours of education on how to take care of a colostomy/ileostomy. That last part was the worst. Just brought me to tears thinking of needing to have one of "those". When I got home, prep continued. I'll not get into those details as that's a bit much for anyone to know about me! And, if you my precious children are reading this, you were there, so you know all you need to know . . . and anything you forgot is best left that way! Tuesday morning arrived with a 4:00 a.m. departure to the hospital needing to allow plenty of time to conquer Los Angeles commuter traffic. We made it with a few minutes to spare! Quickly, we were ushered to the 4th floor where all "action" would take place. By 7:30 a.m., I was being introduced to my first dose of drowsy-maker stuff. Vaguely, I remember the last kiss given to The Main Man and down the hallway I went with an entourage of doctors and nurses. Six hours later I was being forced to wake up, now in ICU. All I really remember from that time was being parched for something to wet my whistle. There was a wonderful nurse, so gentle at this painful time, who swabbed my lips, gums, and cheeks with cool water. Never ever has that felt so good!

Late Wednesday morning, I was transferred out of ICU to a private room. Suffice it to say, the next four days didn't have much variation on the agenda besides the expected . . . start functioning again! Much of the time, that seemed to be a huge challenge. However, quickly, results were being seen and soon, I was the envy of that oncology recovery floor. Never thought the speed at which one walks with an IV pole dressed in hospital garb could be a sought after event!

Sunday afternoon, I was discharged with much surprise as I had been told no sooner than Monday would be my going home day. While I was thrilled to imminently be setting eyes and hands upon my babes, there was overwhelming emotion that too filled me. The reception here at my big yellow house was fantastically wonderful, filled with so much love that my heart just about burst! This is where I belong and when I'm away, things just aren't quite right.

Four days home and we're making it along. The Main Man returned to work today. I like it when he is home with us, not just for surgery recovery, but for any reason at all! A dear dear friend who is like a mother to me, and a grandmother to my children is here helping for a few days, trying to keep me "down" and not doing too much. I must admit, I can be a difficult patient! I like to be up, taking care of business. Laying around is only good a few days out of the year!

The Lord has been so merciful to us during this time. We are indeed blessed even in this world of cancer. There was much reality on that recovery floor with other cancer patients not recovering as well as I. One patient in particular will not go home. Her cancer is so spread, she is trying as best she can to get one minute to the next. Her moaning is something I'll not forget. Has the Lord not been merciful to her? That's a question so difficult to consider, yet impossible to deny. When a dear friend passed away three years ago from a brain tumor, that hit me hard. Why didn't God heal this wonderful man who had a wife and two beautiful young daughters? We were all praying for a miracle for him. Had I receieved a miracle at that point . . . I was still alive? But, what about Steve? His ladies were now without their man. There's been two more recurrences for me, some might not consider that a miracle. I do! None of us are certain of tomorrow, NOT one. For whatever reasons, the Almighty chose to call Steve home that January day three years ago. And for whatever reasons, the Almighty has chosen to allow cancer again and yet again in my life AND yet again, give me another day to draw breath! I cannot begin to question His plan, His way, His purpose. My earthly thoughts simply cannot compete with His!

Thank you so much from all of us here for the prayers you have offered up on our behalf. We are honored that you would bring us before the Mighty King! While recovery is well underway, there is much yet to accomplish. Pray, won't you, for the days and months ahead. As this is the most involved surgery yet, it is also the most involved yet as far as recovery and treatment. We'll be told on my dear James' 17th birthday what the doctor's plan is for chemo/radiation. Actively, we are seeking the Lord for His plan for treatment!

Much love to you,

A Quick Update From James

Hi everyone, this is James. We talked to mom on the phone a while ago and she asked me to give you an update. This morning, she was moved from ICU to a private room because of the great progress she's making! Her pain level was very low yesterday and today; she's just very tired. We expect to have the results from pathology either tomorrow or Friday. Please continue to pray that she recovers quickly and that the results don't come back positive for cancer. Thank you all for your prayers and suppport!!

Surgery Update by Jacob

This is Cathy's son Jacob posting an update. Cathy is out of surgery and in the ICU recovering. The 5 hour surgery went well! Thankfully she didn't have to have an ileostomy!! Thanks to the Lord for that!! The doctors had to remove the ovary, uterus, and both suspicious areas. We are still waiting to hear the results from pathology. Please keep praying for Cathy's quick recovery, so she can come home soon, and that the pathology findings are negative of cancer. Thank you all for praying. Dad, James, and I will keep updating as things happen. I love you Mom, and can't wait for you to come home!! Jacob

January 4th is Here . . .

In a mere four hours, The Main Man and I will head to downtown Los Angeles to yet again lay my body on an operating table. There, two very skilled surgeons will attempt to rid me of this cancer that is trying, for the fourth time, to get me. I've busied myself something incredible tonight as I balanced "surgery prep issues" with "Mama issues". At this point, the necessary has been done. Of course, there is much else I had hoped to finish that didn't quite get conquered. The most important was accomplished, however . . . the deep lovin', huggin' and kissin' on my babes. My boys grasped me like the men they are quickly becoming. This took my breath away and caused the tears to pour. Each of them had tears for me . . . oh, that did this Mama's heart good! My girlies, still so young, were more interested to talk about the delicious pink walls in their room! They caressed my hair and told me that I was the best mama they've every had! Again, tears poured from my swollen eyes . . . however, once I left their room. The love from these blessings is brimming over within me tonight. And, yes, it is this very love that keeps me between a rock and hard spot. The thoughts, touches, hugs, chats is what I crave, yet it is what makes me ache.

Thank you to each of you for the kindness you have shown me through your words on my blog comments. Thank you for the prayers you have offered up on my behalf and that of my family. We are blessed! I am grateful beyond measure for the love of those who serve our Lord . . . the very One that gives me my each and every breath.

This past week I was sent the following devotion. It seemed to perfectly summarize any purpose of what I am facing at this time of my life.

"This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."
2 Corinthians 4:17

Paul wrote that our sufferings produce perseverance, which in turn produces character(Romans 5:3-4), and James said that the testing of our faith develops perseverance, which leads to maturity (James 1:2-5). Our ultimate hope, though, is not in maturity of character in this life, as valuable as that is, but in the perfection of character in eternity. John wrote, "When he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is"
(1 John 3:2, NIV). The often painful process of being transformed into his likeness will be over. We shall be completely conformed to the likeness of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul wrote, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18, NIV). I visualize in my mind a pair of old-fashioned balance scales. Paul first puts all our sufferings, heartaches, disappointments—all our adversities of whatever kind from whatever source—onto one side of the balance scales. Then he puts on the other side the glory that will be revealed in us. As we watch, the scales do not balance, but completely bottom out on the side of the glory that will be revealed in us.

This is not to say that our present hardships are not painful. We see from Hebrews 12:11 that they are indeed painful, and we all know this to some degree from experience. But we need to learn to look by faith beyond the present pain to the eternal glory that will be revealed in us.

The God who disciplines us will also glorify us.

With these truths, I stand equipped for this day . . .

Getting Ready

Do you think it's possible for a woman heading in for cancer surgery to find herself in a state of "nesting"?? Well, there's really no other way to describe it! I've "nested" five times with certainty as I prepared for the imminent arrival of a new babe . . . and this feels quite the same, just without the expected "bundle of joy" in my arms upon arrival home. For this experience, however, I do get to look forward to "bundles of joy" in my arms when I arrive home! They are just considerably more grown than that of a 7-8 pound new blessing for all to meet! These that I'll come home to are well known to me and my arms for they've been cuddled, snuggled, nurtured, soothed and loved to the point of memorization upon my fingertips. Their faces and smiles are engrained in my mind . . . gifts I will cherish while I'm away from their bodies. This "nesting" to which I refer is the mama in me that MUST take care of them and their needs in the best way I can while I'm away from them.

Today was spent doing just that! The Main Man and I made the stops at Trader Joe's for our regular fare, Target for a few household necessities, and of course, Costco for some major food infusion to keep the nourishment up! (I still find it amazing that anyone can ask me why I need so much food when I'm shopping at "bulk-central"! C'mon, I didn't even fill one cart, people! Costco was designed for families like mine! We keep 'em in business!) Yesterday, I got the bills paid, a birthday package ready for shipping, some "clutter" straightened up, and the best of all . . . cut all the dudes heads of hair! Can't have unkempt boys on my hands now can I? One thing I chose not to do was to "take down" Christmas. It feels so homey, warm and cozy that none wanted it to be put away just yet. I know there will be work on the other side with a fresh abdominal incision, but let's not forget about these strappin' young men I've got on my hands! They've been trained well to take care of their Mama, thus grooming them to be better men. We'll all enjoy the warmth of our sweetly decorated home . . . even if it is the middle of January!!

Even though "things" are being done to get ready for my absence, my heart is having a bit of a stubborn time. I read on another blog recently about why this mother started homeschooling. Her reply was that she didn't want to be away from her children! She loved being with them and this was a way she could continue with that passion. Admittedly, she said it might have been a bit selfish upon looking back, but how glad she was at how the Lord worked for His glory in her home. I loved that! I really really like being with my children! They are a delight to me and my most favorite people with which to spend time. While I'm not a techno wonder-bug, at times such as this, I am most grateful for the variety of options before me to get my daily "fill" (as best as I can) of my babies. I am so happy for Facebook, this blog, and cell phones that send pictures!

Time is drawing near and the Lord is working within me. Thank you for the prayers for His peace within me. My place is at His feet regardless of where I am or what my body may be experiencing!