Fullhousemama's Blessings

Remarkable

2012-02-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

Some other parts of my life that went unmentioned in my last post deserve their due light. Those parts being my children . . . all five of them! They definitely have risen to the occasion and are true servants to this mama, this home, and their schoolwork. Our life has presented them with some very challenging circumstances. Every time, they are ready to serve . . . putting aside their own desires. Typically one of these life circumstances involves my health, so I'm especially honored for their servant attitude.

For example, they (being all five of them) just cleaned the entire house. This covers four bathrooms, vacuuming, and dusting of a large home. Right now, James is building a new treadmill. Jacob and Jared are sorting cans and bottles for recycling. The girls are putting some fine touches on straightening the schoolroom. Since I can't get up and do anything, there are many times throughout the day I must call upon them for even the simplest of things. They serve without whining. In trying find some good in these hard times that have plagued our home, I have often said my children are learning life skills the average young person doesn't have exposure to. It's making them better men and women, husbands and wives, fathers and mothers.

Now mind you, they still are young people who struggle with sin. They succumb to sibling issues on a regular basis and sometimes don't clean their rooms up to what is expected. I'm aware they are not perfect. I just thought with so much they do above and beyond with such willingness, I was going to sing their praises for a bit! I am a blessed mother with five blessings who love her dearly. For this, I am so very grateful!

And for a brief update on me. There's not very much new to report. I continue to feel better than anytime over the past number of months. However, this improvement is not changing from week to week or day to day. My life is quite sedentary, sitting most of the day. I'm struggling with feeling lazy, but have been reassured by The Main Man that that's not what I'm doing. He's thrilled for the progress I've made and is so happy I'm not at the pain rating of 8-10 (where I was for 2-3 months). For the past almost two weeks, I would say my pain rating is 2-3 with times during the day that I don't feel any pain at all while sitting still! While I'm grateful I don't remember the past six months or so, I have memory of today and that's not a happy place to be. We'll keep pressing on, trusting Him for a miracle, and praising Him for what good He is doing on a daily basis!

A Long Overdue Update

2012-02-02T15:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a long overdue update on our family and me . . .

Two weeks ago, I had a day of seizures -- nine of them in all. Everyone was very afraid of what was going on and whether or not I would make it through them all. A hopsice nurse spent the next three nights here with me getting through the time facing whatever outcome with which there was to deal. Well, praise the Lord, I awoke on the other side seeming to be pretty normal! I still had the physcial limitations I had been struggling with for months, but the seizures were over.

One major side effect that did occur was six months of memory loss. Lee and the children are telling me about life of the last six months and I don't have any recollection of the events that have happened. From birthday parties to family get togethers to hospice time, I don't remember about the last six months of time. That's really strange to see pictures and read about events on the calendar, and not remember a thing about any of them.

Lee says that life has been a risk every step of the way. Hospice was called in for some major pain relief the first part of October. They said I wouldn't see the next month and then the next month. But, the Lord kept defying what their predictions were! Throughout these past four months of hospice care, we have faced an unexpected place we never anticipated in life. I have been heavily drugged as a measure of relief from the severe pain I was experiencing. There have been days I have not woken up, not eaten, thrown up all day, cried all day, but there have been days I have gone shopping and even made Christmas cookies.

Today, I have extreme pain in my feet and lower calf region as well as my lower groin area. I have a catheter, so doing anything is just about impossible. I'm not allowed to walk without someone with me. And, even when someone is walking with me, the pain is so challenging, I don't have much desire to be moving about the house. When you consider what I remember, I'm only two weeks into this new realization of life's circumstances and I'm just about to climb out of my skin. Lee's been doing this for five months now. He is a picture of the "in sickness and in health" part of our wedding vows. Our home is functioning in such a compromised condition. He has to do everything, including all he did before. I'm so honored to have him for my husband. Everything he does is with such gentleness, love and care. Never does he complain or grumble about what life is today. He just loves me along the way.

The hope is for this pain to reduce to nothing. For our life to get back to some sort of normalcy. I would just like to be able to walk without pain, to lay down without pain and to not be taking as many pain pills. So there is an update on our home. Don't know how we got to this place, but the Lord's protecting us here as well.

Our Life on This Day

2011-09-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

Have just checked each one of my precious babes! They're all sleeping in such angelic fashion. So often, I just stop at the end of busy days and watch them sleep. Watch them breathe. Watch them lay still. Watch their chests gently move to the beat of their hearts. I've even been known to snap a pic or two of them up close and personal deep in slumber! At these times, I am reminded in resounding form of the blessed woman I am! Indeed, God has gifted me with value . . . value far beyond what the mind can comprehend.

An update on our life seems to be necessary, considering the date of the last post.

Here's the flowery version (for those faint of heart):

Start: This past week has been gloriously perfect! We've accomplished every bit of school work. The house has been cleaned from top to bottom (even the blinds have been dusted in each and every room). The cars have been washed, waxed and vacuumed. All of us have had at least 30 minutes per day of elevated heart rate. Books have been read by each in our spare time. Meals have been prepared from scratch . . . nothing processed here! Oh, yeah . . . and this cancer issue hasn't really been anything because we're thinking positive and not letting it bother us. End.

That "joking around" just about makes me sick. However, there are those in my life who need that version to make them comfortable about my life. To a degree, I think I understand where they are. Yes, it hurts that they cannot walk this road with me and my family. That, however, is something they'll have to work out with God.

Here's the nitty gritty version (for those who are "bearing our burden"):

Our days seem to become more challenging with each passing 24 hours. Sadly, not one of us looks to expect good anymore, learning to settle for okay. Okay is at least better than the awful that so often is the case. My Main Man has become the Man of Gold in recent days! He's had to do things we never even imagined when we said our wedding vows 20 years ago. The way he has navigated each of our needs simply amazes me! It reminds me why I married him and makes me grateful he's mine!

Presently, we have chosen to implement extreme alternative treatments for this terminal case of cancer with which I have been diagnosed. (Did you see that ugly word "terminal"? Yuck.) You know, chemo is alternative when you consider the attack that is taken upon your body. But, chemo is readily accepted in our society because we are trained from birth to accept it. Since the doctors have nothing to offer me, alternative is our only choice, yet it is the choice that God has directed us to for sometime now. These extreme treatments are proving to be incredibly cumbersome and time-consuming. They also bring about a very great measure of sickness upon my body as I detox nearly 46 years of "trash" that has settled within my cells and tissues. Maybe another time I'll share about the specifics of this detoxing stuff. Just know, though . . . it's a gruesome job that's gotta be done.

Daily, we accomplish the best we can with the life that this family of seven requires. All things are looked at in different ways nowadays. Character building certainly outranks any measure of academic accomplishment. (Don't worry, we still do "school"!) Lots and lots of time for "lovin" is reserved on every one's schedule. (You know, I thrive on skin-to-skin contact with my blessings!) And, you should see our refrigerator! We are being treated to some delicious meals being brought by dear friends who are loving us through this time. When I sit down to the dinner table and see the magnificent spread delivered by another, I am overwhelmed by the goodness of our Lord. Afterall, it is He who has seen to it that my family is fed. And, He has done it through some amazingly beautiful families. I trust for His blessings upon them in their gift to us!

There is much that is not getting done around here. But, then . . . I'm reminded by the Lord about what our priorities really ought to be. Are we walking this journey of uncertainty looking for a path paved with the expected? Or are we trusting Him with each step we take? Are we making sure to include Him in all that we do? Or do we stop and look around hoping to see Him in what we've chosen? Yes, I am being forced to take inventory of what's really going on here in regards to my days. I hope I'm blinded to the pull of this world and its desires for pleasure. My burning desire is that I be fully surrendered to my Savior and all that He has called me to do within every breath that He grants me. (I'll be honest and reveal that at times when the pain is so intense, I fail and cry for relief. Forgive me Lord for my fear and being scared. Sometimes, the pain is so great, I literally can't see straight.)

For those of you who have prayed for us, thank you! It is our hope that through this experience of our life, you would be drawn to a closer relationship with the Lord.

We continue to trust . . .

Ten Years Later . . .

2011-09-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

. . . Am I closer to my Lord?

Ten years ago this past June, I said goodbye to our fourth baby, our fourth son, half way through my pregnancy with him. The heartache that came with that season was like none I'd experienced before. Many challenges happened during that time. There were days I didn't understand. Tears flowed from each of us five who were so looking forward to this new member for our family. The three precious sons we already had wondered where their brother "went". Could they "get on a plane to go see him" they asked. Aching for this littlest guy was overwhelming. There was, however, our amazing loving God that surrounded, engulfed, loved, nurtured and carried us through that time of aching. He drew us near and blessed in ways that melt me in just thinking about them. At the time, I remember thinking, I am already so close to you, Lord. How could there be need for this? I've experienced the "fire" and trusted you through it. What am I too learn now?

Well, as any "seasoned" lover of the Lord knows, trials and challenges are part of the journey to which there is no limit (as are His blessings along the way!). He has never promised this earthly life to be understood . . . for His ways are not ours, nor are His thoughts ours. Without question, however, does He promise to love, provide and protect us through it all.

So, here, ten years later, I do know Him more. I do know Him deeper. I do have a greater love for Him. And to think I thought I'd arrived back in 2001! Ahh, the growth yet to occur! Praise the Lord He keeps loving us!

Tonight while enduring some rather severe physical suffering, this song came up on my iPod "worship" playlist. Immediately, I was drawn into His presence as if literally on my knees before Him. Trying to sing along proved impossible as tears and crying to my Lord overtook every part of me. Shaking and trembling, I imagined His arms carrying me just like an infant . . . one He loves dearly, one He created for Himself. As I am faced with surrending earthly thoughts, I realize the relationship I have with the Lord has grown practically beyond my understanding, deeper than I ever thought possible.

Deeper in love with Him I stand everyday.

Passive Is An Ugly Word

2011-09-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

This blog (or should I say my life) is starting to look like some I've "watched" over time. You know, the kind where horrible circumstance inspires curiosity . . . a parent or child struggling with a terrible disease or cancer; a child that has died; a parent that has died; the life after an awful accident. You know, those that make you cry when you don't even know the afflicted. Why, as a people, are we drawn to observe - typcially from a distance? I believe it's because God is at the very center of each one us, having created a deep place for love within our core . . . whether you want to believe in Him or not. Me, I'm guilty of "watching" blogs such as I've referenced. Very quickly, however, my heart becomes attached and I am drawn to pray for their situation. I hope that is what you are drawn to do for me and my family. Each one of us is experiencing our own version of this cancer. Not one isn't scarred, tired, or scared.

Right now, I am crying. My head is swimming with all the details I've tried to get in alignment just for functioning purposes. Many regular life issues happened today -- nothing too unusual for a family of seven. Although, as the day progressed, my footing began to slip. I could feel it happening as if my legs were losing muscle strength. Now, here at an hour past dinner that has yet to be served, I feel like a pile of limp spaghetti noodles (without sauce, by the way). My skin is crawling, my tears are falling, my heart is pounding. Oh, how do I shield the many little eyes around me from this ugly side of our reality?

Yesterday, was an incredible breath of relief! The Lord provided strength for me to dance with Him. My pain was little, barely noticeable. My sleep was sweeter than it had been in months. My heart was beating a chipper beat. These "treats" spilled over upon my precious family and soon they, too, were dancing! The encouragement from the Lord revitalized this weary soul to a point I didn't know possible. I awoke this morning a bit not as rested. But, that wasn't going to stop me! I was focused upon Him not for the moment, but for who He is yesterday, today and tomorrow.

While I may not be as challenged as on Sunday, the me in me is not as good as yesterday. The straw that nearly broke this camel's back today was the conflict in trying to schedule a consult with the radiation oncologist. The office girl was so passive about what I needed. Perhaps my "stage 4" classification needing "radiation for pain management" that interrupted her computer solitaire game was rather intrusive. (Oooh, that sounds a little spicy on my part. But, I really do think that's what was going on.) I sat there on hold feeling like a nothing, someone who wasn't important anymore. Why . . . because I am just trying to "buy some more time"? Do you know what it took for me to surrender in making that call to schedule beams of red to penetrate my body? Do you know the difficulty my mind has in grasping radiation or pain pills? And, this "clerk" was so passive.

Passive is such an empty word. It means you are blah on everything. I don't like passive. I like vibrant! Vibrant means life is with purpose! Life that has choices made with zeal, zest and exuberance! Isn't that how God would have us to life for Him. Let us not forget that He came to give us life and life more abundantly . . . not passively.

So, with bedtime quickly approaching and my babes needing some skin to skin contact, I will pop a pain pill for the anticipated slumber. This will calm me. My Lord, however, will refresh and strengthen me for His purpose. For those of you who may not know my Lord, He can be yours too. He yearns for that relationship with you. While my journey has been insurmountable at times, without Him . . . I wouldn't be here.

Listen to that still small voice . . . He's calling.

Here With Me

2011-09-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

You know, the whole summer I've suspected something just wasn't right with the pains I was feeling. But, trying to keep the "what ifs" of cancer out of my mind, I kept fabricating, justifying, considering, hoping for all types of other reasons. Now that a fifth slam with cancer has been confirmed, the past four days have taken on a whole new look. While there have been many many tears, there has also been a strange development of sad/mad feelings. Sad/mad you ask? Well, I don't want to cultivate anger, yet I'm really not happy about this news. Therefore, it kind of feels like a huge enormous sadness, but that doesn't seem to really capture it. I'm not mad at God . . . I think I'm terribly confused and probably quite hurt. However . . .

Back nearly 40 years ago, I officially placed my life in His hands. That earthly surrender was for Him to have His way with my life . . . whatever His plan for my life may be. There certainly have been some unexpected turns, paths I hadn't anticipated, joys I couldn't fathom, mercies undeserved. When I asked the Lord into my life, I knew it was the right choice, the only decision. He has had a firm grip on me through some incredibly tumultuous periods of life that date back to birth. I have seen Him clearly through tear-filled eyes. I have experienced His compassion at times my heart was simply crushed. I have had peace that genuinely does pass all understanding. And now again, He is here with me, providing what a Heavenly Father does best . . . loving me. Loving me in my broken sadness, aching heart, confused earthy mind, and weakened body.

This song brought me to tears earlier today when the boys had it playing while we were preparing lunch. I thought I might be able to disguise my tears from them because I was cutting onions . . . no deal, they were onto me! The Main Man came over with his strong arms to engulf my shoulders. Please listen and allow our precious Heavenly Father to minister to you through these words. My burden was made lighter, my heart was made fuller, my smile was made wider. (Make sure to go to the bottom of my blog and stop the other music so you can listen to this song at this post.)

From the depths of my heart, Lord, I can feel your presence here with me. I am lost within your beauty, caught up in the wonder of your touch. Yes, again Lord, I surrender to your love, your grace, to the One who took my place. I know I'm not alone for you've called me as your own long before I drew breath. I'll continue the walk with you . . . even though I think you're carrying me right now.

God's Answer . . . for Now

2011-09-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

Half of me is speechless.
Half of me is desperately trying to organize the multitude of words within me.

Yesterday, my Main Man and I sat in an oncologist's office to hear the results from my PET/CT scan of Wednesday. Of course, this activity does nothing but produce stress and angst. What else could it possibly do as you sit waiting to find out if cancer has again had it's way with your body. Finally entering the small exam room, the doctor says, "Are you ready?" My thoughts wanted to unleash a few statements, but my character smiled and said, "I don't know...am I?" In summary, the highlights are that cancer is no where in my body EXCEPT in the pelvic region. (Mental note: I should be thankful with this news. Hmmmm...I'll try to work on that.) And, in that region, this new cancer occupies a very odd shaped area. This mass of tumors is pressing on many things . . . the bladder, the right ureter, the tailbone, the major nerve that descends my right leg, the rectum, a portion of the colon, and probably other less noticeable places. So, the picture is pretty clear . . . I am a mess down there. No wonder the "pressure" I feel is like that of a nine month pregnancy (of which I know that feeling very well!). No wonder the pain is debilitating at times along with being indescribable. The sad realization came to me that these aren't "adjustments" the chiropractor can help me with. This disease is just like Satan, seeking for what it can devour and destroy.

As the appointment continued, plans for treatment were discussed. Well, I really shouldn't use the word "plans" in the plural sense because there aren't options. There is one option he had to offer . . . palliative radiation. For those of you who don't know that phrase . . . it's a pretty word to confuse oneself that they are facing death. This palliative treatment would be used to attempt to shrink the tumor masses to relieve some of the pain I'm experiencing. Eradicating the tumors is not something I should hope for as that would most likely "not be possible". So, as my Main Man said this afternoon, the doctor's words were essentially saying we are preparing for death . . . we just don't know quite how long that will take.

(Insert human emotion here): HOW CAN I BE WRITING THESE WORDS ABOUT ME??? TEARS, TEARS, MANY TEARS.

Somehow, overnight, pain meds have taken on a whole new meaning. Two days ago, they were to get me through what I hoped to be an alignment issue that could be corrected . . . you know "old lady disc issues". Not the case. Cancer is raging and the pain is getting worse by the day. Back to those pain meds. Well, now my attitude is "take 'em", quit thinking you can win this battle. Cancer pain is physically horrid and emotionally wicked. I hate medication. I refrain from taking medication. But, now I must . . .

This weekend will be spent discussing the fine points of radiation and the impact upon me and that of our home. I've declined this method of treatment three times prior. Will I cave now . . . because I've got to have pain relief? But, then there is this wee little bit of my mind that wonders if the tumors could shrink away to nothing. Hmmmmm.....

His Will

2011-08-31T06:41:00.001-07:00

Here it is, minutes from walking out the door to the PET/CT scan. I'm feeling not so good as the pain meds make me so groggy/yucky. My heart is fluttering. My children are extra cuddly. My soul . . . well, it is at peace for my Lord is with me. His Rod and Staff, they comfort me.

While I'm not taking much with me, I am taking this:

9 Pray, then, in this way: "Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.
10 "Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
11 "Give us this day our daily bread.
12 "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 "And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Regardless of the outcome, my life is to glorify Him in all that I do!

And, here we go . . .

What Will God Do?

2011-08-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

"You and yours are in my heart and prayers. God bless you."
"Praying . . . "
"Always praying for your my friend. Love you."
"Of course we will pray for your and your family . . . "
"I hope you know how much I love you . . . "
"Praying. He is faithful."
"Please heal her precious body so she may continue to serve you . . . "
"Broken and praying for you, my precious precious friend."
"We prayed and are praying for your sister."
"Praying now."
"Still praying."
"I will be praying daily."
"I know He loves you beyond our comprehension. He also knows how much your family needs you."
"Happy to pray for you."
"He never leaves you."
"I love you as does our Mighty Lord! He is our Tower of Refuge; He hears you and all praying dearly for you."
"Our prayers DO NOT fall on deaf ears. He KNOWS your family needs you."

These are a few of the sweet thoughts and special words left on my Facebook page this evening after I posted about my upcoming PET/CT scan to be done this Wednesday. Few know the suffering I have endured this summer, for the most part, I've kept it close to myself. Tirelessly, I have resisted the urging of others (and that of my own mind) to have a scan to determine what the source of my pelvic pain is from. I've wanted to win this battle with FAITH . . . the faith I have in my Mighty Lord's ability to heal. Have I failed because I now have a scan scheduled? I have pressed on, trusting, in the midst of debilitating pain that keeps me from sleeping. I have begged for His mercy upon me to grant me sweet slumber. This has not happened. Why? How do I go on? What must I learn from the trecherous leg of this journey?

Though I have walked with the Lord since I was a young seven year old, I must admit that my faith is still "childlike" when it comes to not understanding the answer of His choosing. There are many many many dear ones who have prayed, begged, pleaded of the Lord on my behalf for healing from this cancer that is waging war upon me (whether physically or mentally). Why, when He instructs us to pray, to trust, to believe and "it shall be done" . . . why is it not the case for me?

Again, I am presented with the aching reality of me and my life. My life dream has been to serve Him in the best way possible in my home as a wife and mother, to be an ambassador for Him in the lives of the dear blessings He has entrusted to me. Is removing me from their life the "best way possible"? How can this be? I grew up without the love of a mother. That void is something that runs deep and is not easily forgotten, no matter how hard I try to leave it at the Altar. Please, Lord, allow me to be mother to my babes. Allow me to have time to continue the work that is still in progress in their lives. Allow me to kiss their soft skin, whisper words of truth from your Word, teach them of You and Your love.

Please don't take me yet, Lord . . . I beg, please not yet.

Left Speechless

2011-08-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

During a very emotional time with our family after dinner tonight, sweet Sarah put her arms around me and says, "Mommy, if you die, I'm gonna cry everyday until I die."

Lord, please hear the cries of my babes . . . heal me and allow me to live.

Waiting

2011-08-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, I went for an MRI to hopefully determine what is the cause of my tremendous pelvic pain. At times, it is excrutiating. Our summer has been spent wondering what Mama was up to doing and if she slept the night before. How sad I am, for my children, that my health challenges have severely altered the "plans" I had for their summer. There were some fantabulous activities in this head of mine! And, of all things, this was the first out of twelve summers that we finished all of our school work without carrying even one page past June 3rd. At least we've been together, A LOT! And, that's the way I LOVE it . . . together!

Oh yeah, results from the MRI probably won't be ready until Friday. The waiting is hard. But then, I'm not sure I really want to know the answer. Hmmmm . . . I trust.

One other thing . . . From the very depths of my heart, THANK YOU! Thank you to those who have sent me encouraging notes. I appreciate each of them and hold them close. Your words have uplifted me during a very very hard time. Thank for reaching out to me, even when my last post came off the keyboard in a rather fast furry of clicking. I apologize if it wasn't "nice".

These Days . . .

2011-08-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

These days are beyond what I think I can handle at times.
These days disappoint me as I desperately try to keep up with this wife/mother/homemaker profession I love.
These days are spent too much in pain, physical pain that nothing seems to help.
These days are spent with just about NO understanding from anyone around me.
These days people expect me to keep performing at optimal level because my reality may bother them.
These days find my mind wandering places . . . at the foot of the cross.
These days find my mind wandering places . . . it shouldn't, like my grave.
These days I cry for no reason, as well as for many reasons.
These days I have hot flashes that nearly knock me over.
These days there are times I think I can't hang on even another second.
These days I'm required to be strong for everyone else, yet don't have an ounce of energy.
These days I am ALWAYS tired because I can't sleep.
These days I'm supposed to be motivated to keep fighting even though the battle is mind-boggling.
These days I'm supposed to keep smiling for those who can't handle my reality.
These days the touch of my babies' skin draws unstoppable tears.
These days my heart aches as if a knife has sliced right through it.
These days don't find me "planning" for the future.
These days I want to freeze time, even in my pain, because at least I'm alive.
These days I struggle between how to hold on and how to let go.
These days I am ALONE.
These days if I am too honest, I lose people around me.
These days if I am not honest, I may scream.

For those of you who are my unmet "friends" in this blogworld, thank you for your love through the lines. Your encouragement strengthens me. I look forward to it!! I know who my encouragers are . . .

For those of you who don't know what to do with all this truth, please stop reading my blog. You crush me with your apathy. So many of you just lurk, never leaving a comment. And since I know you in real life, it's awful to find out in some strange way you've been here. I'm fighting for my life and the best you can do is just watch from a distance in the comfort of your cushy easy life.

These days I've got to hold onto my Lord.
These days He knows my aching heart that battles the fear of death.
These days God is my refuge.
These days oh how I yearn for Him to answer my greatest prayer of healing upon my tired worn body.

I know He can heal, but will He??

20 Years and 5 minutes

2011-07-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, 20 years and five minutes after I walked down the aisle to marry my Main Man. Here I sit, in tears at the reality of my life. Never did I think, dream, or fathom that I would be so deeply plagued with the "in sickness" part of our vows that have ravaged my body.

Just moments ago, I got off the phone from cancelling a PET/CT scan the oncologist ordered for me to determine why I am having such extreme pelvic pain. I can't do it . . . not right now. There is no peace from the One who guides me. It's postponed for now as I pray and ponder other options for treating what may be going on in my body. Before me is a pile of papers addressing alternative therapies including diet, exercise, supplements, enzymes, attitude, etc. These things are nothing new, just being revisited as I decipher what direction the Lord is leading.

Today, I should be rejoicing that a man, my Main Man, has stood by me for 20 years. I should be celebrating in the love that we share. The time leading up to our marriage was filled with excitement and thrill between us as we dreamed of our future together. The time leading up to our marriage, however, was also filled with great turmoil as the woman who was called my mother was stirring trouble, unrest and conflict as best she could over the jealousy she had upon me. Two weeks prior to our wedding, she cancelled the entire event in a fit of rage. Being the "good daughter", I begged, pleaded and promised to do whatever she wanted if we could just have the wedding. This caused great rift between this bride and groom. (WOW, just realized I referred to myself as the "bride"! My mother never allowed me to enjoy that honored role. My wedding day was all about her and what kind of display she could put on for others to see.) In order to save face, this person claiming the role of mother in my life, allowed the "event" to occur . . . of course, with much praise from all at what a fantastic day she put together. (I was not permitted to make even one choice about our wedding day because "she was paying for it". Didn't even get to have a say about my wedding dress.)

As I have spent years trying to heal from this, I still have a hard time looking at our wedding pictures. We do have one hanging in the hall, but the album is put away in a cupboard, not having been out for years. Sometimes I really consider how much of that day I have allowed her to steal. The good that came from that day is that my Main Man chose ME! He loved me so much that he was convinced I was for HIM and God had had ordained that choice. He said we'd get married no matter what . . . even if we eloped. Perhaps that would have been a better choice considering the history that followed with the meddling of both sets of parents. Neither twosome respected the vows they took when the congregation was asked to support and encourage this new young couple. My Main Man's parents were upset he would be living elsewhere, while my parents were upset that an outsider was entering the picture to "see" all the mind-games that were standard procedure at my home.

And here we are . . . 20 years and five minutes later. Those years and minutes have been filled with much blessing, yet much unexpected trial. We have five fantabulously marvelous blessings in our three sons and two daughters. Two precious blessings have already made their way to be with our Lord . . . two more dear sons. We have always had food on our table and a roof over our heads. We've been financially blessed to take care of anything we need. We have, however, struggled great spiritual battle as we try to part from the ties of family who don't support our walk with the Lord. Of those, there are many. Of those, in fact, none remain. Health for me, remains a huge trial. My Main Man has ridden a tough road beside me in hospital beds and on the couch at home. I don't think he was prepared for what was ahead of him. Life's challeges, I thought, had already been had as my childhood was filled with the misery fighting parents, a physically abusive father, an emotionally separated mother, long-term effects from open-heart surgery, and the deep internalizing of all this unsettledness. My goodness, is it any wonder I battle colon cancer?

Today, a dear someone prayed with me. Not knowing it was our 20th anniversary, she asked of the Lord to make this day a point of new start, a turning point of sorts as I further kick off more dust of days past and press on toward Him. The Lord met me there! Though I have tears, I am hopeful! It seems this process of shedding, is daily, minute by minute, moment by moment trusting in Him.

Our wedding day . . . July 27, 1991! Fresh and anticipatory for the future!

20 years later . . . not quite twice as old, but a whole lot more experienced!

Where To Begin . . . ?

2011-07-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is why there haven't been any posts for way way way too long of a time. Really just don't know where to start. There have been days I considered making time to sit down here and write of some highlights, activities, thoughts, milestones, or tears of recent days. And, while much "life" has occurred during the past few months, much in the way of tears has occurred as well. I'm quite certain I haven't wanted to open up that part of me, therefore the absence. Then I was challenged to remember why I started this blog in the first place. That purpose was for my children . . . for them to have a history of sorts about our family, them and me. So, here's to you my precious babes! Let's see, how I can bring this up-to-date . . .

In trying to recreate a bit of life from recent days, I thought I'd go to my picture file on the computer to see what's been happening. Well, that wasn't very helpful. As evidenced by the lack of pics, we must not have been up to much! How can that be? I'm exhausted, have yet to pull out that box of See's Candies Peanut Brittle (my preference over bon-bons!), the house is in disarray (according to my standards), summer projects haven't even been started, and I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a good long chat on the phone. Kinda sounds like I've just been sittin round here doin nothin! Well that's nothin of the sort. Life's been moving at a fast pace with these five blessings of mine. Instead of looking at time, I think I'll look at each of my precious people.

Let's start with my James. Since graduating high school seven weeks ago, it seems he's gotten taller, deeper-voiced, and more handsome every day. (That, of course, is the mama in me! hehe) He keeps himself quite busy with his job, thus resulting in a very healthy bank account. To know James, is to know he's thrilled to have money "saved"! He's beginning to shop the car market, but has some bigger sights on saving yet more toward the purchase of a house. There's the consideration of establishing some credit by financing part of the car purchase, being able to still have money in the bank. I've said it before, and I'll say it again . . . how can we be at this stage of life?

My soon-to-be eleventh grader, Jacob, is taking time to enjoy this summer! He was offered a job, however, chose to turn it down in exchange for a bit of respite before a challenging rigor of studies begins in September. He has treated us well with some tasty treats during his time "cheffing" in the kitchen. My favorite is probably his version of pralines 'n cream ice cream. It was fantastically delicious! Think I may ask him to whip up a batch of chocolate chip cookies tomorrow . . . just because! An interesting development has happened in Jacob's life in the past few months. Due to James being gone from the home so much, a closer relationship with his younger brother has been growing. After spending many nights in each other's rooms, they both approached with the request to move bedrooms. Now, they share a bedroom and have a separate room for their desks, drum set and such. Together, they've logged many miles on bike rides, played countless games of Stratego, spent two weeks in a water polo class and last night, slept in a tent trailer on the side yard. This newly found "friendship" between them has blessed my heart and that of our whole family!

Our summer birthday dude, Jared, is now fourteen! Think I've touched on this before, but he'd be elated to stop the brothers' clocks and catch up to them in age. It does seem he's getting a bit closer as he matures and slows down some in the "race" to catch them. Jared continues to be a sparkplug in our home . . . keeping activity, laughter and life going here. A very very sad thing happened 13 days ago . . . the death of Jared's beloved parakeet, Stonewall. Jared received him for his birthday only 360 days earlier. On that Sunday morning, we were eating brunch nearby his cage. He had been singing and doing like always, when suddenly he flapped his wings very fast and literally dropped dead to the cage floor. It was very traumatic with much crying on the part of all of us. This chipper bird brought such a jolly life to all of our family from his special perch that Jared carved for him. While Stonewall can never be replaced, Jared is starting to talk of wanting to find another special friend to move into Stonewall's cage.

The flower of our home, Hannah, continues to be just that . . . a delicate flower! She is having a good summer enjoying swim lessons, riding her bike and playing with her best friend/sister, Sarah. As she is getting older, her creativity skills are becoming more apparent. Hannah especially likes to draw and do crafts, continually hiding a note or picture for me to find! A couple weeks before Stonewall died, Hannah convinced us she had found the bird she wanted for her ninth birthday present. While it's a few months away yet, her heart couldn't bear to let this new friend stay at the Bird Farm. We agreed, and for two weeks, Periwinkle enjoyed chirping with Stonewall. Hannah is very good with "Peri", taking much training from Jared, our resident parakeet expert!

The snugglebug of our world, Sarah, is getting so tall. Her baby doll, Pink Dress Baby, continues to be her main thing. She's quite the little mother, nurse and lover. She does, however, tend to get smothered from the bother's affections and can get a little feisty when they won't relent. Swinging, play-doh and hula-hooping with Hannah, while talking with her imaginary friend, "Shawbee", fill her days. She's got a lot to keep up with and does a wonderful job doing more than any seven year old in our home has done before her! The highlight of her day still remains the moment her "boyfriend", Daddy, walks through the door! Squeals of delight can be heard from any spot in the house!

Then there's us . . . the Main Man and me. We've endured some rather steep roller coasters of emotion in recent days. From the high school graduation of our firstborn to the diagnostic testing for our youngest's mysterious condition. From the just about certain life-changing move to North Carolina (that didn't happen) to coping with me who can get just a little overboard with the tears through it all (not to mention the lack of sleep the sudden onset of menopause has brought about). From questioning the uncertain pain in my body to the intense stress my man deals with everyday while at work. These are very real situations gripping our hearts, messing with our fears, deepening our reliance upon the One who created us. In another four days, we will celebrate TWENTY years of marriage! It's been a journey gone in a direction we never anticipated. This said, however, we have grown in our faith and trust in the Lord in ways we could never have dreamed. Regardless of the situation, our Lord is still the Lord of our life, home and our hearts. For this, we praise Him!

BONUS: Now, for those who endured this very long post, here's a 20-point question! Who can tell me which boy is wearing these shoes AND who autographed them? C'mon, give me your best guess!!

Catch-up!

2011-04-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

While I've got my six precious people downstairs playing ping-pong in the garage, I thought I'd slip away to blog a bit! I think my dudes have a foursome going, while the girlies are rollerskating around them! Certainly, there is much glee!

This past month of March has been incredibly silent on my part. So much of the time has been spent just quietly waiting upon the Lord. There's this yearning to hear His voice so clearly that it could be recorded. I haven't had much to say as I have sat (illustratively, of course!) at His feet. I must say, it has been refreshing in so many ways . . . too many really to share here. There is a calm within me I didn't think was possible. There is a slight skip in my step that can only be because of Him. There is laughter in my soul only generated by the joy I have in my Lord! For these things, I am thankful and rejuvenated!

Surgery has been three months ago already -- amazingly difficult to believe! I am feeling much better. Praise the Lord! My energy is returning to a reasonable level. We are on track to complete our school year at the beginning of June (incidentally, this would be the first time in our 12 years of homeschooling!). The house is in a rather nice kind of "order" (don't be fooled, however, there's still the reality of seven people living here!). Meals are being prepared and eaten at home (healthy ones!). But, perhaps most of all, these walls are buzzing with life which makes this mama dance in delight!

Early this past month, the dear baby of our family, Sarah Grace, turned seven years old! We had a fantastic time celebrating at the American Girl Store in Los Angeles! (It is so fun to dive deep into girlie things after having three boys! My two chickies are such little buds of "pinkness"! I thoroughly enjoy, however, the "boyness" my three sons bring to our home!) Sarah, along with her sister, had been planning for months to make a trip with their wallets to the AG Store. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of a visit there, let me tell you . . . it doesn't matter your age, everyone becomes a girl again as soon as you walk through the doors! On this visit, we three ladies splurged and enjoyed lunch in their dining room! While we dined inside, our men had some fun eating tacos outside at the Farmer's Market.

Today, another big event took place! Our oldest, James, became a licensed driver in the state of California! He has been working hard learning the laws of the road, practicing his skills, and listening to the direction of his parents while behind the wheel. He'd tell you he's glad the nerves have settled down from this morning's test with the DMV examiner! He did a fantastic job! Congratulations to my James!

Some days I get choked up as I think of the wide range of mothering I am doing here in this home! I've got one child who is still happy when we hold hands to cross the street and I kiss her boo-boo. Then there's the older child (with two more only seconds behind him!) who is happy when I let go of his hand and allow him to "fly" without me, making his own decisions, and . . . getting behind the wheel of a car to go by himself. Perhaps this age range helps to soften a bit of the blow in this "releasing" I must learn to do. After all, it is a fact . . . from the moment these precious babes draw breath, we are preparing for them to be independent and free from us. Am I ready for that? Well, not fully ready today, yet the Lord, He is preparing me! What a delicious life I have to be called mother to these blessings of mine!

Thank you so much to those of you who have left kind words of encouragement during my absence here. I appreciate knowing you're praying for me and my family. These days have been challenging, yet the Lord has been with me . . . walking beside me and sometimes carrying me!

And, now onto spring . . . my very favorite time of year!

A Sneak Peek . . .

2011-03-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

While this very special day does not happen for three more months, I just wanted to share a sneak peek at what kind of pictures we were taking last week!

How can it be that I almost have a high school graduate? I remember the early days of his kindergarten year as if they were yesterday. There were only three little boys in those days. One little boy was very eager to "do school" . . . and two little boys were very eager to do just the same as "brother". In my lack of wisdom, I thought I could just gate off the bedroom and, with a few treats, keep the two younger boys occupied there while James and I "did" school. That was good for a few minutes, however their pleas for attention were incredibly distracting to the teaching going on in the other room! Weeks of this began to fray the nerves of this young homeschooling mother. How would I ever meet the needs of each of my precious boys? It was then, that a phone conversation with my dear seasoned homeschooler friend all the way in North Carolina changed my world! She challenged me to remember who called me to this privilege, who created my family with the ages just as they were, and who would sustain me in the midst of what seemed to be very trying days. Of course, the truth she was speaking of was what I base my life upon . . . our merciful Heavenly Father! Certainly, He had called me, He had prepared my home, and He was sustaining me in those oh so wonderful days!!

Though I fall terribly short of the goals I had set as a homeschool mother, I stand in awe at the amazing work the Lord has done in my dear James' life . . . in spite of my weaknesses and failures! Oh, He is so worthy of my praise!

And, here's two other pics I can't resist sharing! One makes my heart "jiggle", the other makes my heart soft and weepy! Wow, this boy has grown . . . Wow, how I love this boy!

Get Service

2011-02-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

This video clip came to my Facebook page yesterday. Watched it as a family . . . each of us were moved to think about being more Christ-like. Isn't that why He came? As Jesus walked this earth, He loved. Am I walking with love? Are you walking with love? Are you able to put these glasses on and "see" with His eyes?

(Make sure to go to bottom and disable my music while you watch this.)

Get Service

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Is This Me?

2011-02-10T23:01:00.000-08:00

Schoolwork. Cleaning. Marketing. Laundry. Bill paying. Dishes. Chauffeuring. Grades. Straightening. De-cluttering. Planning. Driving. Orchestrating. Guiding.

Isn't this a glorious list of treasured responsibilities?! Well, for me it is indeed! And, neatly tucked between each of the above tasks are delicious words such as . . . loving, hugging, kissing, snuggling, caressing, listening, caring, hearing, soothing, laughing, nurturing, praying. Oh, how joyful it is to be nearly back to normal!! I find such thrill in what most may see as the mundane. For it is in this mundane that some of my deepest purposes are fulfilled. I know I'm right where the Lord would have me . . . and oh, how I squeal in delight to be in this place!

The Lord's path for our next step in the process of treatment is becoming more clear each day. Thank you for praying with us for this direction. Today, I enjoyed a visit with a dear long-term friend who had something very special to share with me! I believe it may be part of His plan for healing, but am going to spend some additional time with Him about it. Doors are being closed in areas that are surprising, while others are being opened that are unexpected! We'll continue to stand and trust. Reminds me of that wonderful old hymn . . . "Trust and Obey"!

This past week and a half has been spent nursing my babes back to health after they were exposed to Scarlet Fever almost two weeks ago. One by one, each of them dropped to high fever and throat issues. Just today, were they all up and out of bed/off the couch. This hit them hard, even requiring all to be seen by the doctor to get antibiotics. (No, I don't like antibiotics! However, after fighting it for three days with symptoms getting worse by the hour, I gave in to keep my home from experiencing a full implosion! We'll be hitting the probiotics after the doses are finished.)

Come Monday, I suppose we'll be back on the path of normalcy! Grades are due by the end of the month. Our oldest will be back to his part-time job. Schoolwork will be kicked up a notch into "catch-up" mode. A trip to Costco seems imminent, of course with the lifting help of my dudes. Bedding changes will be accomplished. And, I may even make a full fledged dinner by myself! Now, if I could just find a place to buy some ability to sleep. That is the lingering problem that plagues me most. You know, without sleep, mamas can get a bit touchy, unreasonable, ugly, and well . . . you know!

Praise the Lord . . . He has given me this day! I will rejoice and be glad in it! Five weeks sure "feels" better than three. I even see a bit of "me" in the mirror!

Four Weeks Out

2011-02-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

Four weeks out and I'm getting stronger day by day.
Four weeks out and I don't need help on the stairs anymore.
Four weeks out and I can laugh without grabbing my gut for support!
Four weeks out and I can flip french toast for my family . . . while standing!
Four weeks out and I can turn over in bed . . . and it doesn't hurt!

Four weeks out and . . . now there are decisions to be made about treatment.

These decisions are challenging, difficult and nearly impossible at best. These are the decisions we've been bringing before the Lord for clarity, direction, purpose, and certainty. These are the decisions we are seeking peace in, regardless of His direction. These decisions are ones I'm not ready to share just yet. For in this sharing, there will be much controversy. Some will agree with our decision, some will strongly oppose our decision. It is these "decisions", however, that belong to the Lord. It is not for all to understand, as very very few are able to even go where The Main Man and I stand today. So many think they know best and assume "everything will be just fine". So many, however, have not taken even a second to listen, hear or learn what life and death realities we are facing right now. There is no good answer. No matter what is decided, the future is so incredibly uncertain for me . . . there is literally not one I can even talk with about it. No one knows what I face . . . except for my Lord.

He is with me at all times.
He is sustaining me.
He is aching with this mother's heart.
He is holding me close and carrying me through this valley.
He . . . LOVES me!

This past month of January, spent nearly entirely in recovery, had many hard and miserable days. I have felt hallow, empty and worthless in trying to find the new "me" amidst the sudden onset of menopause and a more severe cancer diagnosis. I have had the ache of people's judgment and expectation to which I wasn't able to perform. I have had the ache of extended family who no longer care for or love me, even in the sheer devastation my immediate family and I face. I have had the ache of those I thought were friends consider their pointless activities to outweigh any element of my recovery. I have had attacks upon my children nearly cause me to crawl out of my skin in effort to defend my babes. I have felt absolutely shredded.

Is this how Christ felt? Perhaps in a minute sort of way. His suffering was so much more. How sad that this is what we as a people did, have done and still do to Him today. I have learned that in all things I am to give praise . . . even in this that we now face. I have learned that He is my "all in all". I have learned that He cares about me more than any other. I have learned that He loves my children far more than I . . . for they are His! I have learned to carry my head high (even when I don't want to raise it for another whack) because it is He who lives in me and gives me breath to breathe. I know that regardless of the outcome of this earthly life I live, I will spend eternity with my Lord, Christ Jesus. Will you??

My prayer for any of you reading this is that no matter where you are in your relationship with the Lord, you come to know Him better. If you don't have a relationship with the Lord, I pray you come to find Him. This is the most single important decision of your life. You may never have to face situations such as I am facing today. But, if you don't know Him and don't come to trust Him with your salvation, you will be risking your life with greater danger than I face with treatment options.

He created you.
He gave you life.
He longs to live in you.
He yearns to call you His own. Do you hear Him?

Four weeks out and . . . I am becoming closer than ever to my Lord and Savior!

The Dining Room is Empty

2011-01-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

There's no blow-up mattress sitting in the middle of the room between the Hello Kitty table and baby doll changing station and play kitchen set-up. There's no suitcase with precious belongings opened in the corner. There's no black purse sitting off by the side of the mattress. There's no tall bottle of water perched for those midnight sips. There's no extra towel in the downstairs bathroom. There's no pair of glasses sitting on the bookshelf that don't belong to my people. There's no additional giggle in the air. There's . . . no Hudsy here anymore.

This morning as I awoke to my usual routine of "opening" up for the day, I was slapped with the very empty reality that Hudsy was no longer here. She has gone. She has returned home. Our arms are aching to hug her. Our hearts are aching to love her. Our souls are aching to laugh with her. Our eyes are aching to see her!

During my recovery time, we received a very wonderful sacrificial gift in the coming of Hudsy to our home. She came to love on each of my babes. She came to help The Main Man keep things going. She came to love on me and get me over this hurdle of a fourth cancer surgery. She came to be the grandma she is to my children and the mother she is to me. She is not, however, a blood relative. She has made a choice to love us like none other have. She has loved, bathed, cleaned, cooked, comforted, marketed, driven, nurtured, laughed, listened, re-focused each of our challenged hearts, bodies, and minds. For this, we are blessed beyond measure, blessed beyond what words can describe, blessed beyond what a heart can contain.

While there is much sadness that she is gone, there is much joy in the fact that in just three days, it will be 21 days since surgery . . . nearly three weeks have passed. Incredible milestones have been accomplished in this monumental healing process. And, though there remains considerable recovery still to conquer, strength yet to regain . . . health is returning to this slaughtered body of mine. Tears seem to flow far to easily (probably somewhat due to the hysterectomy), yet there's so much I can do without help.

Oh, Praise be to the Lord!

On Tuesday, the 25th (James's 17th birthday), we'll meet with the surgeon for a post-surgery follow up visit. On this day, we will receive pathology results, as well as the projected "treatment" plan. While we already have a vague understanding of what this entails, specifics will be laid out before us. What will the recipe be of radiation and chemotherapy? Of even greater concern, however, is . . . is this the Lord's leading? Is there another plan He has for the healing of my body? Presently, we are waiting upon Him for this direction. We've been in this place before and while it's not our favorite place to be, we know the leading of the Lord. He does not work in a spirit of confusion, but a peace that passes all understanding. Have you experienced that peace before? I have many times. It's unexplainable and magnificent! Rejoice with me, won't you, for who He IS!

Nine Days Out!

2011-01-13T19:15:00.001-08:00

Here I am . . . nine days out of surgery! Praise the Lord for bringing me to this day! Truthfully, I wasn't able to fathom this day before surgery. There was just this big huge block of life that had to occur on the fourth of January . . . totally couldn't see beyond that date. BUT, here I am . . . walking, talking, laughing, snuggling my babes, and eating more than jell-o!

Of course, the last ten days have been horrendous in ways, yet miraculous in others. It started Monday, the third, with pre-op preparations at the hospital and at home. At the hospital, there was the customary . . . blood draw, EKG, 792 questions about me and my health history, oh and the two hours of education on how to take care of a colostomy/ileostomy. That last part was the worst. Just brought me to tears thinking of needing to have one of "those". When I got home, prep continued. I'll not get into those details as that's a bit much for anyone to know about me! And, if you my precious children are reading this, you were there, so you know all you need to know . . . and anything you forgot is best left that way! Tuesday morning arrived with a 4:00 a.m. departure to the hospital needing to allow plenty of time to conquer Los Angeles commuter traffic. We made it with a few minutes to spare! Quickly, we were ushered to the 4th floor where all "action" would take place. By 7:30 a.m., I was being introduced to my first dose of drowsy-maker stuff. Vaguely, I remember the last kiss given to The Main Man and down the hallway I went with an entourage of doctors and nurses. Six hours later I was being forced to wake up, now in ICU. All I really remember from that time was being parched for something to wet my whistle. There was a wonderful nurse, so gentle at this painful time, who swabbed my lips, gums, and cheeks with cool water. Never ever has that felt so good!

Late Wednesday morning, I was transferred out of ICU to a private room. Suffice it to say, the next four days didn't have much variation on the agenda besides the expected . . . start functioning again! Much of the time, that seemed to be a huge challenge. However, quickly, results were being seen and soon, I was the envy of that oncology recovery floor. Never thought the speed at which one walks with an IV pole dressed in hospital garb could be a sought after event!

Sunday afternoon, I was discharged with much surprise as I had been told no sooner than Monday would be my going home day. While I was thrilled to imminently be setting eyes and hands upon my babes, there was overwhelming emotion that too filled me. The reception here at my big yellow house was fantastically wonderful, filled with so much love that my heart just about burst! This is where I belong and when I'm away, things just aren't quite right.

Four days home and we're making it along. The Main Man returned to work today. I like it when he is home with us, not just for surgery recovery, but for any reason at all! A dear dear friend who is like a mother to me, and a grandmother to my children is here helping for a few days, trying to keep me "down" and not doing too much. I must admit, I can be a difficult patient! I like to be up, taking care of business. Laying around is only good a few days out of the year!

The Lord has been so merciful to us during this time. We are indeed blessed even in this world of cancer. There was much reality on that recovery floor with other cancer patients not recovering as well as I. One patient in particular will not go home. Her cancer is so spread, she is trying as best she can to get one minute to the next. Her moaning is something I'll not forget. Has the Lord not been merciful to her? That's a question so difficult to consider, yet impossible to deny. When a dear friend passed away three years ago from a brain tumor, that hit me hard. Why didn't God heal this wonderful man who had a wife and two beautiful young daughters? We were all praying for a miracle for him. Had I receieved a miracle at that point . . . I was still alive? But, what about Steve? His ladies were now without their man. There's been two more recurrences for me, some might not consider that a miracle. I do! None of us are certain of tomorrow, NOT one. For whatever reasons, the Almighty chose to call Steve home that January day three years ago. And for whatever reasons, the Almighty has chosen to allow cancer again and yet again in my life AND yet again, give me another day to draw breath! I cannot begin to question His plan, His way, His purpose. My earthly thoughts simply cannot compete with His!

Thank you so much from all of us here for the prayers you have offered up on our behalf. We are honored that you would bring us before the Mighty King! While recovery is well underway, there is much yet to accomplish. Pray, won't you, for the days and months ahead. As this is the most involved surgery yet, it is also the most involved yet as far as recovery and treatment. We'll be told on my dear James' 17th birthday what the doctor's plan is for chemo/radiation. Actively, we are seeking the Lord for His plan for treatment!

Much love to you,

A Quick Update From James

2011-01-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, this is James. We talked to mom on the phone a while ago and she asked me to give you an update. This morning, she was moved from ICU to a private room because of the great progress she's making! Her pain level was very low yesterday and today; she's just very tired. We expect to have the results from pathology either tomorrow or Friday. Please continue to pray that she recovers quickly and that the results don't come back positive for cancer. Thank you all for your prayers and suppport!!

Surgery Update by Jacob

2011-01-04T13:57:00.000-08:00

This is Cathy's son Jacob posting an update. Cathy is out of surgery and in the ICU recovering. The 5 hour surgery went well! Thankfully she didn't have to have an ileostomy!! Thanks to the Lord for that!! The doctors had to remove the ovary, uterus, and both suspicious areas. We are still waiting to hear the results from pathology. Please keep praying for Cathy's quick recovery, so she can come home soon, and that the pathology findings are negative of cancer. Thank you all for praying. Dad, James, and I will keep updating as things happen. I love you Mom, and can't wait for you to come home!! Jacob

January 4th is Here . . .

2011-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

In a mere four hours, The Main Man and I will head to downtown Los Angeles to yet again lay my body on an operating table. There, two very skilled surgeons will attempt to rid me of this cancer that is trying, for the fourth time, to get me. I've busied myself something incredible tonight as I balanced "surgery prep issues" with "Mama issues". At this point, the necessary has been done. Of course, there is much else I had hoped to finish that didn't quite get conquered. The most important was accomplished, however . . . the deep lovin', huggin' and kissin' on my babes. My boys grasped me like the men they are quickly becoming. This took my breath away and caused the tears to pour. Each of them had tears for me . . . oh, that did this Mama's heart good! My girlies, still so young, were more interested to talk about the delicious pink walls in their room! They caressed my hair and told me that I was the best mama they've every had! Again, tears poured from my swollen eyes . . . however, once I left their room. The love from these blessings is brimming over within me tonight. And, yes, it is this very love that keeps me between a rock and hard spot. The thoughts, touches, hugs, chats is what I crave, yet it is what makes me ache.

Thank you to each of you for the kindness you have shown me through your words on my blog comments. Thank you for the prayers you have offered up on my behalf and that of my family. We are blessed! I am grateful beyond measure for the love of those who serve our Lord . . . the very One that gives me my each and every breath.

This past week I was sent the following devotion. It seemed to perfectly summarize any purpose of what I am facing at this time of my life.

"This light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."
2 Corinthians 4:17

Paul wrote that our sufferings produce perseverance, which in turn produces character(Romans 5:3-4), and James said that the testing of our faith develops perseverance, which leads to maturity (James 1:2-5). Our ultimate hope, though, is not in maturity of character in this life, as valuable as that is, but in the perfection of character in eternity. John wrote, "When he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is"
(1 John 3:2, NIV). The often painful process of being transformed into his likeness will be over. We shall be completely conformed to the likeness of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul wrote, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18, NIV). I visualize in my mind a pair of old-fashioned balance scales. Paul first puts all our sufferings, heartaches, disappointments—all our adversities of whatever kind from whatever source—onto one side of the balance scales. Then he puts on the other side the glory that will be revealed in us. As we watch, the scales do not balance, but completely bottom out on the side of the glory that will be revealed in us.

This is not to say that our present hardships are not painful. We see from Hebrews 12:11 that they are indeed painful, and we all know this to some degree from experience. But we need to learn to look by faith beyond the present pain to the eternal glory that will be revealed in us.

The God who disciplines us will also glorify us.

With these truths, I stand equipped for this day . . .

Getting Ready

2011-01-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

Do you think it's possible for a woman heading in for cancer surgery to find herself in a state of "nesting"?? Well, there's really no other way to describe it! I've "nested" five times with certainty as I prepared for the imminent arrival of a new babe . . . and this feels quite the same, just without the expected "bundle of joy" in my arms upon arrival home. For this experience, however, I do get to look forward to "bundles of joy" in my arms when I arrive home! They are just considerably more grown than that of a 7-8 pound new blessing for all to meet! These that I'll come home to are well known to me and my arms for they've been cuddled, snuggled, nurtured, soothed and loved to the point of memorization upon my fingertips. Their faces and smiles are engrained in my mind . . . gifts I will cherish while I'm away from their bodies. This "nesting" to which I refer is the mama in me that MUST take care of them and their needs in the best way I can while I'm away from them.

Today was spent doing just that! The Main Man and I made the stops at Trader Joe's for our regular fare, Target for a few household necessities, and of course, Costco for some major food infusion to keep the nourishment up! (I still find it amazing that anyone can ask me why I need so much food when I'm shopping at "bulk-central"! C'mon, I didn't even fill one cart, people! Costco was designed for families like mine! We keep 'em in business!) Yesterday, I got the bills paid, a birthday package ready for shipping, some "clutter" straightened up, and the best of all . . . cut all the dudes heads of hair! Can't have unkempt boys on my hands now can I? One thing I chose not to do was to "take down" Christmas. It feels so homey, warm and cozy that none wanted it to be put away just yet. I know there will be work on the other side with a fresh abdominal incision, but let's not forget about these strappin' young men I've got on my hands! They've been trained well to take care of their Mama, thus grooming them to be better men. We'll all enjoy the warmth of our sweetly decorated home . . . even if it is the middle of January!!

Even though "things" are being done to get ready for my absence, my heart is having a bit of a stubborn time. I read on another blog recently about why this mother started homeschooling. Her reply was that she didn't want to be away from her children! She loved being with them and this was a way she could continue with that passion. Admittedly, she said it might have been a bit selfish upon looking back, but how glad she was at how the Lord worked for His glory in her home. I loved that! I really really like being with my children! They are a delight to me and my most favorite people with which to spend time. While I'm not a techno wonder-bug, at times such as this, I am most grateful for the variety of options before me to get my daily "fill" (as best as I can) of my babies. I am so happy for Facebook, this blog, and cell phones that send pictures!

Time is drawing near and the Lord is working within me. Thank you for the prayers for His peace within me. My place is at His feet regardless of where I am or what my body may be experiencing!

Meals?

2010-12-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

So today, I get an email inquiring about when I would like "meals" to start. Do I want them to be delivered while I'm in the hospital or after I get home? Does my family have any allergies to certain foods? Are there any foods we don't care for? "Just let us know so we can bless your family."

While I am so incredibly grateful that anyone would be willing to prepare a meal to nourish my family in our time of need . . . I don't want to be in NEED of meals for my family. If you only knew how many meals have been brought to our home in the last several years. It's simply astounding! Astounding in two ways. First, in the amazing number of others willing to be used of the Lord to bless our family. And second, in the shocking number of times this need has been so very real for our family. When will it be that I get to bless someone and TAKE them a meal? I long to do that. I long to be healthy enough that the Lord would call upon me for that privilege. I long to be free of any health concerns. Can't I just "grow old gracefully" with no more parts removed? For most, this isn't is a huge request, but for me, it seems almost insurmountable.

Just so as to not be misunderstood, I AM GRATEFUL. I am most appreciative for the incredible kindness of others to my family. I stand in awe at how the Lord works to orchestrate such beauty in the midst of shattered circumstances. However, please try to understand the ache of this mama's heart . . .

I want to be the one who prepares the meals for my family.
I want to be the one who cleans my house.
I want to be the one who does the marketing.
I want to be the one who teaches my children.
I want to be the one who comforts their hearts.
I want to be the one who delivers my son to his part-time job.
I want to be the one who takes pictures of my boys at their basketball games.
I want to be the one who bakes Christmas cookies after Christmas with her girlies.

I want to be the one who my blessings "need".
I want to be the one who God chooses for them . . . for all of their days.

Random Thoughts

2010-12-29T23:01:00.000-08:00

Five days.
Five days left.
Five days left before surgery.
Five days left before surgery changes my life.
Five days left before surgery changes my life and . . . ? ? ? ?

It seems as though the clock is ticking, ticking way too fast. The 10-day weather forecast now has my surgery date smack in the middle of the run. What will life be like on the "other side"? How long will it take for me to get home? What condition will I be in? How many parts will they remove in order to rid cancer from this body? Will I have any extra appendages upon arrival home? Will I get to go home?

I'm sure these thoughts are confusing to many. However, to me they are real and serious. These thoughts plague me as I go about everyday life routine, as I awaken, as I try to get to sleep, as I squeeze my babies, even as I laugh at something funny. Will I get to be here to keep laughing?

Some think that this "issue" I am dealing with is just that . . . an issue. They've brushed it off as something that's no big deal, something to just kinda get through. You know who you are. You perceive your life to be so much more valuable than mine. To you, I'm just a nobody who holds no value on this earth. To you, I don't handle cancer "right" and therefore, am not deserving of compassion. Oddly enough, you who have judged me are the very ones who have never walked this walk, have never had a cancer diagnosis, have never had really anything "hit" your life. There's more than one of you who hold these thoughts. There are, however, many many who have encouraged, strengthened and uplifted me during this very difficult season of life. And, you know who you are! I know who you are too . . . and I am grateful for you. I consider you a gift that can't be matched! I will choose to focus upon the blessings that God has bestowed upon my life and not think about the crud that these referenced "others" dish my way. I refuse to waste more time on them and their mind games.

So, with that dose of reality from my world, I apologize. I apologize for being too human, for not being a better trusting child of God, for having thoughts and fears that are unpleasant to talk about. I really don't know what to do with this fourth round of cancer upon me. Five years ago, I remember reading about a man who had a second recurrence with cancer. At that time, I was certain that a recurrence meant the end . . . how would one get through it. I've now done that recurrence trip three times. Will I be one of those who has written about them "battled cancer for XX number of years"? Or will I be one of those who gets to look back and see that this is a part of my past, my history, a rather short season of my lengthy life? I am, of course, begging of the Lord that He allows the latter. It's not that I don't want to see Him face-to-face. It's that I struggle something awful with this role of being mother to my five precious blessings. I grew up without the love of a mother and the thought of my children not having their greatest fan, supporter, encourager . . . literally makes me sick.

As I prepare for another night of sleep, I am asking the Lord to have mercy upon my mind. Mercy that will allow good rest without the thoughts that have no place in the mind of His child. My focus is fuzzy tonight . . . it needs to be cleared by the One and Only.

The Results

2010-12-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, after a very long painful day, the phone call came. The one anticipated from the doctor who held the news of the PET/CT scan results. Taking a deep breath as I acknowledged her voice, I stepped out of the room to be able to "talk the talk" with her. There was still this hope in me that a miracle would be realized at this moment . . . that she might say "we're confused, nothing shows". That was not to be. The results were very clear -- two spots definitely "lit up" on the scan indicating metabolic activity . . . or in non-medical terms . . . cancer activity. This must be dealt with and quickly were her directions. "Tuesday, January 4, 2011 is open on my schedule, would this work for you?" I was asked. Staring out the window in shock, I responded with a weak "yes". We finished with a few other details concerning specifics of what exactly would be removed; however, an equally overwhelming part of the conversation was the push for chemotherapy following surgery. As I have been told before, this particular regimen of chemo would involve at least six months, perhaps up to one year. Very strongly, I was reminded of the "recurrent risk" that is extremely high without chemo. Very calmly, I reminded her that I've done chemo for six months only to have the cancer return eight months later. Of course, there is no good reply to this. In the world of western medicine, chemo is the only option for "preventative treatment" for cancer recurrence.

This morning, I awoke to a call from the doctor's office with enough detail to quickly bring me back to reality, the reality I may have temporarily forgotten during my slumber. Shortly after, another phone call came. This call was the confirmation call to schedule surgery. On the calendar now is another date that until now, didn't mean much to our home. No birthdays or special events have taken this "block" on the wall . . . until now. Now, this block will hold yet another day this Mama has surgery, the fourth surgery in attempts to thwart this cancerous assault upon my body.

Today has been filled with ups and downs, and lots of tears . . . tears that have been shed while by myself. This time of year is rather tricky to encounter such news as I have been given in recent days. I've got children who are excited for Christmas . . . especially the little chicks. How do I hold it together on the outside while on the inside, my heart is aching and my thoughts are scared beyond belief at to what God may "allow". As talked about in the "54 Months" post, I don't want today to end.

Oh, how I wish I could stop the clock.

My New 15 Year Old

2010-12-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today was a wonderful break from the reality with which we have been dealing. We escaped to celebrate this day that became an occasion back in 1995! It was Jacob's (my second child/second son) 15th birthday! This precious child has blessed our home, warmed our hearts, brought laughter to our souls, nourished us with his gift of cooking, kept us laughing, and . . . well, too many other qualities to list! He is, as the Lord says, a "blessing".

Tonight, his choice for a birthday dinner was Benihana! It's a fun Japanese teppanyaki restaurant that prepares your delicious dinner right in front of you! It's way more than just a meal, it's an entertainment experience!

Jacob, I love you!
I love being your mother!
I love seeing you everyday!
I love your smile and the "feel" of you!
I am honored that God would choose to entrust your life to ME!
It is a privilege beyond measure that I get to have you as my precious Jacob!

This day, I am reminded how blessed I am . . . regardless of any type of diagnosis. I've got a house full of people that love me that I get to love! Who could ask for more? For this, I dance with joy in what the Lord has given me!

Waves

2010-12-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

Life right now is like waves upon the ocean. Waves that come and go . . . and come and go. These "waves" so resemble my emotions. For part of a day, I can "hold it together". The other part of the day, tears are flowing without effort. It seems these tears pour when I look at my children or think about my children. My heart aches as I think about them and the uncertainty of this future of mine.

This past Tuesday afternoon, I was told there wasn't just the one tumor we already knew of, but there is a second spot of "question". Tomorrow, I head for a PET scan to determine the certainty of these two areas that greatly concern my two surgeons. It seems a hysterectomy is certain, as well as the removal of another very involved area, however, the "tumor board" must evaluate the details of my case before surgery can be scheduled.

A miracle . . . that is what I am hoping, praying, pleading for from the Lord.

54 Months

2010-12-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

Do you think about tomorrow?
How about next week?
Next year?
Ten years from now?
What about retirement age or being a grandparent?

These innocent thoughts, plans, ideals for the future used to dance freely in my mind. Now it seems my mind is restricted to this day, this moment. Barely can I get the entire day “planned”, let alone . . . next week. For me, focusing too much on those “yet to be” times, may cause the inevitable to arrive sooner than . . . well, sooner than I’d like. There’s this continual battle in allowing myself to “live” beyond today. I don’t want today to end. This has been a struggle with me for the past five and a half years.

Shortly after my original cancer diagnosis, my goal was to get through chemo and then life would get normal again. Receiving a second diagnosis eight months later absolutely shattered that hope for “normal”. The day we received that second blow stands out as one of the worst days of my life. I remember being in the front room with all my babes sitting so close to me I could feel each one of them at the same time. Their skin I needed to touch. Their ears, arms, heads, necks, tummies, legs, feet . . . every precious square inch of them, I needed to touch. It was in this touching, however, that my greatest pain was realized and literal screaming started to occur. I could not contain the fear that was within me. A repeat of cancer meant a certain death sentence to me at that point. I had read, heard, been educated on the “statistics” and now I was a part of that classification. Recurrence is not a good word in the cancer world.

That “second blow” was 54 months ago! And, in those 54 months, we’ve been carried through a third cancer diagnosis (and now possibly a fourth) by our merciful Heavenly Father. We have “lived” and days have been “had” . . . glorious days of wonder, laughter and being together (a part of my “statistics” doctors didn’t know about)! Am I closer to death? Yes. But, then so are you. We all are. My days have been anointed by Him . . . regardless of their number. Not one knows tomorrow. He only gives us today . . . actually only this moment. In this, I will rejoice and live to glorify Him!

Elizabeth Edwards and Such

2010-12-08T11:01:00.000-08:00

Last night while turning off the computer before heading to bed, the bold news headlines informed me of the death of Elizabeth Edwards. While I'm not a savvy political follower, nor a liberal in mindset, I do have a deep maternal heart and this mother is now gone. Three children remain without their biggest fan, supporter, encourager. It was only the day before that news was given about her "turn for the worse". That was Monday (two days ago) . . . a day that brought about tears for me as I pondered what might be going on in her home, her body, her mind, her heart. She fought this cancer battle with great courage and tenacity, however, was greatly aware of the reality that was before her. So aware was she that for years she had been composing a "dying letter" to her children. They say this letter contained everything she wanted them to know from how to core lettuce to choosing a church. It is also said she commented the “letter” would never come to completion . . . there would always be something more to add. Today, my heart aches with grief for this mother’s heart and for her children who now have no mother . . . much like it did the day Dana Reeve died.

Yesterday, USC Norris Cancer Hospital is where the Main Man and I spent the day. We were there to have testing and meet a specialist who could, hopefully, shed some light on the new findings discovered last week during my routine visit to the gynecologist. Her interpretation, as well as that of other physicians at this institution of cancer treatment, was less than desired. It appears what was originally thought to be an ovarian cyst of notable size is now actually a solid mass of about three inches most likely not attached to the ovary, but a new tumor sitting behind my remaining ovary. This information was a crushing blow to my hope for a miracle. There was this part of me desperately hoping the ultrasound technician would not find anything . . . that it would be wondered why I was even there . . . that my visit would have been a waste of time . . . that God would have performed a miracle and removed this new cause for concern. He did not. This I’m having a very difficult time in comprehending. This is causing me to have a very tearful morning. This makes me want to scream and fight for it not to be. This is my fourth time with a cancer issue in my body in just over five years. This is . . . reality.

At what point do you keep going with hope, faith and trust?
At what point do you believe this is part of your past, not to visit your future?
At what point do you not become shocked anymore when the doctor says “we have something to talk about”?
At what point do you start that “dying letter”?

Those answers are deep and involved -- too deep and involved for now. My precious babes are awaiting time with me, their mother who loves them more than anything on the face of this planet. For now, I get to go snuggle, hug, cuddle, laugh, cry, nurture, love on and be loved by the blessings I consider the most fantastic gifts I’ve ever been given by the Lord. These babes of mine . . . they are delicious!

Today . . . I am 45!!

2010-11-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

WooHoo . . . I have accomplished 45 years in this life!

To some, this might look as though I'm seeking attention. To those who really know me, that's not the case at all! I am seeking one thing, however . . . and that is to give praise to the Lord for His allowing me to get to this age! It has been a challenging, at times treacherous, fight to get through the past five and a half years. In April 2005, doctors told me I had a 30% chance of living five years due to the extremely advanced nature of the cancer that had come upon my body. Two more times, I have been told that cancer is likely to take my life. God has seen fit to defy those medical statistics and give me breath each day.

For this, I praise Him!
For this, I stand in awe!
For this, I fall to my knees and cry holy!
For this, I shed tears that come from the deepest part of my being!

Oh, if you could only know the magnificence of my Lord!

He has granted the yearning pleas of my heart . . . to still be here to mother my babies. This privilege is abolutely overwhelming. I simply do not know what to do with the intense emotions this entails.

For now, I celebrate! My family is waiting to pamper me with a day of being together . . . my most favorite way of spending any day!!

The Facelift

2010-09-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Here I am . . . late at night with too many windows open trying to freshen the look of this blog. Think I'm gonna have to call it a night! To the land of nod I go -- flustered, however, as the perfectionistic person in me is just not satisfied to leave this "in process" format for the night. I'm excited with the changes in the width of the columns, as well as the banner across the top that have been made . . . I've searched long and hard at how to accomplish this new look! Changes become a bit of a problem for me, since the "sky's the limit with possibilities" in doing adjustments and perks to this here spot in which I get comfortable!!

Hopefully, I'll be back here tomorrow sometime to finish up this "facelift". It's gonna be a busy day, though, with my five students, plus a friend's daughter stopping by for some interview help. Maybe I'll get a trip post up . . . those are terribly behind as I've shifted my efforts to getting school off and running. If only I had a couple more brains, sets of eyes, and a few more hands . . . just think of what I could do!! But, I don't!

Here's one very powerful truth to dwell on today. Theresa at Being Refined as Silver shared this on her blog. Thank you, Theresa, for allowing the Lord to work through you. I was in tears as I listened over and over again being enveloped by the Lord. Truly, Jesus paid it all . . . for you and me!

By the way, if you're going to click on this song and worship (which I so hope you'll do), scroll down to the bottom of my blog and put my song play on pause so there's no interruption.

Our Trip of a Lifetime ~ Day 3

2010-09-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

Friday, April 30, 2010

We arose today rested! Goofed around a bit on Facebook and the Internet, ate breakfast in the “rig”, got freshened up and headed back out on the road to conquer the rest of the desert. The weather was still windy; however, the intensity seemed to have waned some. Wonder how this wind compares to that of the same travels in a car . . . this feels like a massive earthquake that doesn’t stop!

Today, there were great aspirations of “making up” what we’d lost in miles. With that thought in mind, we headed out to accomplish the rest of New Mexico, the top of Texas, all of Oklahoma, and settle in for the night in Arkansas. Just about instantly upon entering Texas, the scenery changed dramatically . . . there was green on the ground! We hadn’t seen green since leaving home. The natural beauty of this section of Texas was invigorating!

Next state . . . Oklahoma! We pulled off at the Cherokee Trading Post, wandering and stretching our cramped bodies. At this stop, the boys became the proud owners of authentic Indian arrows. Much thought and decision went into picking just the right one! After a quick pic in front of the rustic old wagon parked near the parking lot, we headed for Oklahoma City. Tonight’s dinner was to be at the Cattleman’s Café – a restaurant found by Jacob in the book Roadfood. Two cowboys with their horses and buggy greeted us to “drive” us to the front of the restaurant! Hannah especially enjoyed the “ride”, starting off with petting the pretty brown and white pony. This much anticipated steak dinner from the heart of beef country, provided a mouth-watering steak, but not much else. Without our ten-gallon hats and spurs, we were obviously “out of place” here! Perhaps we looked too Californian!

We continued on Interstate 40 pressing on toward Arkansas . . . what would be our fourth state for the day! Finally, some progress was being made. With the peddle to the metal (well, as much as it could be in this albatross), we rolled into Ft. Smith, Arkansas about 1:00 a.m. Knowing that David and Nancy (a.k.a. “Mother Nut”) were in Fayetteville for a few days, we pushed hard for one more hour, finding ourselves parked in the local Fayetteville Wal-Mart parking lot for the night.

Wal-Mart was offering just the right price for lodging this night . . . FREE!

Our Trip of a Lifetime ~ Day 2

2010-09-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Opening our eyes this morning, we were reminded us of the rather unusual “camping” experience we had last night. Pressing toward our Gallup, New Mexico goal, we were diverted in Winona, Arizona at Buffalo Range Road. For miles and miles and miles, we had seen diesels and other vehicles parked along the side of the road. Signage warned of a severe dust storm near Winslow. The Master Maneuverer, wanting to push as far possible, met up with patrol officers as they waved us off the road. Having pushed so far along, there wasn’t any place to stop except to go back on the other side of the freeway. But, we were blessed! This officer had pity and let us park off behind some cones and stay there. So, here we were in the literal middle of nowhere, parked off the side of the freeway, amongst thousands of other people, WITH trooper protection! Quite tolerable, except for one thing . . . 50-60 mile an hour winds. While we were safe from intruders, the ferocious winds were now of concern. We settled, all with their heads on pillows . . . for a while. The wind was becoming so bad that at 1:40 in the morning, “the MM” bore the chilly elements to relocate the rig in a more aerodynamic position. It was somewhat beneficial and soon all were snoozin’!

Presently, we sit, parked in the middle of Interstate 40 somewhere past Gallup, near the city of Rehoboth, New Mexico. For nearly an hour now, we have crept about four miles. The trucker next to us said our delay is the cause of road construction. The MM’s detailed map schedule is hurting . . . thanks in part to me and our late departure from the house, the dust storm and closed freeway, and now road construction. We’re rollin’ with it all . . . looking forward to lunch at Cracker Barrel in Albuquerque.

**11:45 a.m. Update: We’re moving, open road ahead . . . we may see lunch afterall! One hour of “road construction” turned out to be three troublesome big-rigs. “On the road again . . . “

Cancel that, we’re stopped again. Will we see Oklahoma City tonight?

**1:10 p.m. Update: Still crawling. Not really lovin’ New Mexico.

The “lunch” we planned at Cracker Barrel turned into an early dinner. It was a yummy bit of nourishment! After stretching our legs some, we headed out to bare the elements yet again . . . that of the incredibly intense wind. The MM’s hands were about frozen in place after two days of “white knuckling” it across the desert. The rather sad element of this day was the coming short of our goal. In utter exhaustion, this band of weary travelers pulled into the Tucumcari KOA (Kampgrounds of America) about 11:00 p.m. for the night. While the MM checked in, I got to “chat” with our dear friend, Denise, about our travels to this point.

Ahh, looking forward to quiet, non-jarring sleep . . . .

Our Trip of a Lifetime ~ Day 1

2010-08-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wilmington, NC . . . 2,554 miles! Living in southern California, this is not a sign typically seen on our congested highways. Only having been gone now about an hour, and at this point on the journey, this truth seems rather daunting when North Carolina is one of our most eastern points of destination.

Today’s departure didn’t go exactly as the months of preparation were gearing toward. As Mother Nut (the nickname of a dear dear friend) feared, the “gathering” of our life proved to be an arduous task. Many many late nights preceded the exit out of the driveway. You’d think we were going to the middle of the Sahara Desert with the amount of “stuff” we packed. Thankfully, as my dear husband reminded me, if we did forget that needed “something”, it’s a certainty we’ll come across many Targets, Wal-Marts and Costcos . . . perhaps even a few mom-and-pop shops during our travels. Whatever we may have forgotten, we’ll probably be able to find! So, with the “rig” packed with stuff and people, down the road we headed on the biggest adventure our family has yet to experience.

Four hours in, we found ourselves in Needles pulling off the road to enjoy a Blizzard at Dairy Queen! The Master Maneuverer needed a stretch and a stop. His happiness and comfort is critical to the success of this endeavor! Considering his passion for ice-cream, all “received” while participating in his “need”! The “secret” we came away with from this stop . . . ask for your cone to be double-dipped. The “California Hot Rod Man” promised us it was unbeatable! Wonder in what city we’ll try that out?

At 270 miles thus far, the scenery is an endless display of cactus, rocks and sand. In many ways, it seems as though we’ve not covered much ground, yet there is the realization that this will be our life for the next four states . . . Arizona, New Mexico, a wee bit of Texas, and Oklahoma. By Friday evening, we ought to be seeing some trees and greenery as we hope to hit the Arkansas territory.

The “mood” in the rig is chipper and excited! Boys are taking turns “assisting” the Master Maneuverer in the co-pilot’s seat. The chicks are realizing the great length of patience they have already gained in their short lives. Of course, this Mama attempts to keep ‘em all contented with nourishment, as well as surprise treats and activities. There is such joy to be with each of them!

And the journey continues . . .

Here Comes "The Trip" . . .

2010-08-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, four months later, I'm ready to post about our fantastic "Trip of a Lifetime"! Don't know why it has taken me so long. Daily, during the trip, I wrote about what was happening. And, daily, during the trip, I organized pictures dowloaded to our laptop as we finished each day. You'd think that putting these two items together for a post wouldn't take me so much time, but alas it has! Hopefully, I'll be able to put up several days of the trip each week, but we'll see how that goes now that we're getting ready to start school again! (I'm not like some of you out there . . . I have always started school AFTER Labor Day! It's just a little homeschooling "perk" I really enjoy!)

Hope you enjoy what I can share with you about our trip! We spent our dinner conversation tonight reminiscing . . . the children want to go again!!

Triple Scoops

2010-08-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

First, let's start with something funny . . .

Tonight, my six-year-old chickie was playing with my hair. My girls love to "fix" this Mama's hair into fantastic stylish "do's" . . . too bad we're fixed up with nowhere to go! Anyway, during the brushing stage, she comments, "Mama, you've got all these white hairs in those holes on your head." I reply, "Yes, there are a lot of them these days!" She says, "Well, we should get them out of there!" With a smile, I say, "If I take them out, they'll just come back." Her reply, "Oh, so you're getting really old!" Then she kissed me!

Now, for an update on the tests of this week . . .

After a lengthy procedure at City of Hope, thankfully not involving any radiation from the likes of CT or PET scan, ultrasound was able to clarify several things. The summary from my doctor was stated in red letters "no definite evidence of return cancer". While these words are cause for celebration, the jury is still out regarding an MRI for futher certainty. Tomorrow, I will go elsewhere to seek a second opinion.

Today, we are rejoicing that "spots" were not obvious and clear! Today, we are rejoicing that the technician "broke" the rules and told me what was on the screen in such kind fashion! Today, we are rejoicing that what Satan meant for bad, our precious Heavenly Father protected!

Steadfast, I remain focused upon Him. Without this, I become a viable target open for much unnecessary suffering. Focused, though still a target, I am protected, guided and led by the One who chooses to give me breath for this very moment. What a privilege to be called His!

P.S. Remember those dollar scoops at 31 Flavors? Our oldest thought the test results justified triple scoop cones for all! We did do cones, just not triples!

Just When . . .

2010-08-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

. . . I was beginning to relax.
. . . my mind wasn't wandering into dangerous territory.
. . . I was purely enjoying the moment.
. . . the "C" word was something I wasn't thinking about.
. . . my children could keep my attention all day.
. . . "plans" were starting to brew in my head.
. . . I was happily just living.

Just then . . . is when I got the call.
Got the call back from City of Hope
to clarify a question
I had about my June CT Scan.

Then . . . is when all of my "just whens" went.
How can there be a mistake?
You read the scan wrong?
There is evidence of highly suspicious spots?
How can this be?
You're supposed to be the specialist, not me.
Doctor, how will I ever trust you again?

Now . . . I sit in shock.
. . . I try to once again regain composure.
. . . I ponder a fourth round with cancer.
. . . I have a whole new set of questions.
. . . I again battle thoughts of me in my children's future.
Now . . . well, now is a whole different now than last week.

So, tomorrow, I go again
for more testing
to gain further understanding
about this possible mistake
on the part of City of Hope
OR
face a new battle,
a fourth battle,
with cancer.

My Lord, He is with me.
My Lord, He is the rock upon which I stand.

"Stellar!"

2010-08-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

In turning the calendar page today, I was greeted with shock! How can it be August? We just started summer vacation . . . didn't we? August is when Mr. ABeka comes to town for which to collect a big fat check from me . . . also reminding me of the impending end of "freedom"! While I really enjoy being the "teacher" to my blessings, I rather don't enjoy the "cloud" of responsibility that hangs over me during the 180 days of school. (Actually, it tends to "cloud" the weekends as well since we are usually some behind -- but don't tell anyone!) Don't get me wrong, I'd have life no other way. Sometimes, though, I tend to think of homeschooling as the lesser of three evils -- public vs. private vs. homeschool. By nature of who I am, we are learning at all moments of the day. The "officialness" of school bogs me down at times, and I can be a bit rebellious. And, the cancer journey doesn't help either. How do you answer the question of whether or not this Geometry stuff really matters, when you know in the scope of eternity, it just plain doesn't. So much of our schooling has been pushed aside during the five-year fight for my life, the loss of two babies during two separate school years, and the intense pre-term labor experienced in welcoming our two sweet daughters. Someone I once knew, commented to me about the end of her school year . . . "Well, we've just finished another stellar school year!" That stinging comment came as I was receiving my second of twelve chemo treatments. Our school year wasn't complete and wouldn't be so until two weeks before we started the next year! As a matter of fact, I've had yet to experience a "stellar" school year of her referenced fashion!

What I have experienced, however, is an undeserved amount of the Lord's precious mercy upon me and my family as we, in our weakness, attempt with all of our might to keep our focus upward. He leaves me breathless when I think of where He's "met the mark" in the needs of our children. I see myself as having fallen short in that I literally have not been here so many many days or have been too sick to "do". He has given me wonderful "treasures", however, in the midst of treacherous terrain! So clearly, I see His hand in the lives of my cherished babes . . . He loves them more than I and has seen fit to cross the "t's" and dot the "i's"! Trivial concerns really for Heaven-related issues, but quite important for this earthly Mama trying her best to train, equip and prepare these dear souls for service to the Lord.

So, perhaps I have experienced that "stellar" school year! Perhaps I've experienced 11 of them already! Perhaps my goals have been a bit off base and He has stepped in to prevent catastrophe! Perhaps what I really know in my heart is what is really true . . . He is the director of my path, the author of my days and the completer of my efforts. He is, has and done such miraculous things for this Mama!

Stonewall

2010-07-20T23:01:00.001-07:00

Jared's birthday was a fabulous success! He was surprised beyond belief when the blue towel was lifted and beneath it was a birdcage! This dear Jared has such a huge heart for animals of all kinds. There is one problem, however . . . the severe allergy I have to anything with hair (dander). He'd probably sell his bedroom if he could have a dog! Sorry to say, it's me or a dog and I'm not going anywhere!

Sometime ago, he zeroed in on birds, specifically parakeets. Knowing this, the Main Man and I worked to prepare a birthday surprise of shocking magnitude for this homestead. (So far, all we've ever had in the way of pets is a few goldfish!) After we had lunch at his chosen spot of Chipotle, we headed to the back of the car to give him a couple of presents. He unveiled the birdcage and was informed that immediately we were headed to the bird farm to select his new parakeet. His skin was crawling with excitement! We found just the "right" guy to bring home who was quickly given the name "Stonewall" (in honor of Jared's favorite guy from the Civil War).

Stonewall's been here about five days now and we're all enjoying the "life" that he brings from that corner of the breakfast room! Welcome to the family, we're glad you're with us . . . especially Jared!

Dollar Scoop Tuesday

2010-07-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the Main Man (aka: Ice-Cream Lover), decided it would be a fun "field trip" to head down to 31 Flavors/Baskin Robbins and get ice-cream cones. For this family of seven, this is never done . . . except on Tuesdays and only once in a great while! You see, Tuesday around here is discount night for cones at 31 Flavors -- you get 'em for $1.00/scoop. (Every other night, a single scoop cone costs $2.39.) One dollar sounds great when you're only thinking about one cone . . . and we had seven . . . and there were five double scoop ones . . . and that adds up to a sum greater than originally sounded! (Typically, the MM's wallet doesn't splurge in this fashion, he's quite frugal.) So out we walked, cones in hand, some taller than others, to lick our frozen treats! Out of the 12 scoops, 10 of 'em were Pralines 'n Cream . . . must be a family favorite!

This dollar scoop Tuesday is something similar to the dollar bin at Target. You enter the store . . . see something cute on the dollar bin . . . think "it's only a dollar" . .. proceed to gather several different dollar deals . . . stand at the checkout wondering how your total is $29.36 when all you bought were a "few" items from the dollar bin!! Hmmmm . . . .

The Super-Charged Spark Plug!

2010-07-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

There's this blessing in our home that keeps everything high, that puts the "f" in fun, that has the biggest heart I've ever met! He's always "on" . . . "ready to go" . . . "never late" . . . and "laughing all the while"! At times, his personality can energize me, yet at the same time, wear me out. (Is that even really possible?) He's the guy that gave me only 1.5 hours of labor! He's the dude that has spent his life desperately trying to keep pace with his two older brothers. (When he was turning four, he was asked how old he was going to be. His reply was, "I don't know, I just want to be five or seven!" FYI -- those were the ages of his brothers!) He's the one that is either running or sleeping, laughing or crying . . . nothing in between! He's the guy that I don't know if I even have a picture of him not smiling. He's the one who values people over things. (Sometimes I wish he'd value his things just a bit more, however!) He's first in response to a hurt sister, a needy mama, a companion for dad, or game partner for a brother. He struggles to understand the value of math since he dreams of being a cowboy!

This precious one I speak of is our dear Jared . . . our third child and third son! God has taught us so much about Himself through this blessing that arrived 13 years ago today. We feel humbled, honored, and incredibly blessed to be chosen to have him in our home.

Happy Happy Birthday dear Jared! You are a gift of blessing that touches our hearts in miraculous ways! It is an honor to call you "son". We love love love you!

New Friends

2010-07-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, it struck me that I have new friends I haven't met! Yep, that means YOU! Sounds kinda strange, doesn't it? Let me explain.

Back when I started this blog, my intent was to record some special things for my children as I had just been diagnosed with a third recurrence of cancer. Without planning, it also became an avenue to share information about my health with others who were concerned. My husband, The Main Man, was the true instigator in getting this here blog established. Typically, he's not so open about personal issues. However, I don't think he fully realized what God would do with it! For me, it has been a wonderful outlet in so many ways. There has been much released from within me about all that God has done, all that God has allowed, and all that God is doing in my life and that of my precious family. It is so magnificent to praise Him in the midst of it all . . . the lovely and wonderful, as well as the areas of uncertain terrain!

Through the modern marvels of "linking" here and there, so many of you have come to "visit" me here. My heart has been overwhelmed at times with what you've shared in your comments and words of encouragement! You, these "new friends" I refer to, have been such a blessing . . . something completely unexpected! Thank you for visiting, for sharing a part of yourself, for leaving an impression upon me. You're like pink gerbera daisies in my garden of life! By the way, I really enjoy hopping over to your blogs to get to know a bit about you!

So, that's where the "friendship" factor comes in . . . the gift that is in the finding of others who are so hungry for our Lord. This places us on common ground, ground that is special and provides the assurance that someday we'll meet!! If you're new here or have been here before, won't you say hello? Know that if we were face-to-face at my front door, I'd joyfully invite you in for sweet fellowship!

Happy Independence Day!

2010-07-04T23:01:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, while putting a pony tail in Sarah's hair, she delightedly said, "Happy Fourth of July, Mama!" How nice! I then asked her if she knew what the purpose of this day was. Quietly, she said, "nope!" It occurred to me, that while she knew of this day, I'd been too lax in teaching her about the significance of this incredible day we celebrate . . . the birth of America! In thinking more about it, I realized that I think we all take for granted what privileges we have living in America and the freedom that has come at monumental cost to human life. While I'm not thrilled at all with the way this country has been heading of recent, I firmly believe I am blessed to be a citizen of the United States of America. And, I am forever grateful to those who have gone before me in sacrifice to make our nation what it is today.

All that said, there remains one issue in relation to our freedom that is suffering the most. That is the void of God being the Lord of our nation. Too freely we toss God's name about . . . is there really trust, is there really desire, is there really hope that He'll lead this country? Or is it just "the thing to say"? God has been removed from so many parts of life in this country today. It shouldn't be any wonder why we, as a nation, are suffering. We have stepped away from God's way, from His best.

As I challenge myself to better equip my children with understanding that this is not just another day off for Daddy, but a day to stop and honor what has been done to give us freedom, may I challenge you to do the same. This nation was founded on scriptural truths and principles . . . a basis necessary for success. Let's not remove God from our functioning, but place Him back where He belongs!

20 Years

2010-06-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 20-year anniversary since I accepted my dear husband's marriage proposal! How can it be this many years already? I vividly remember the day and all the words he said just as if it was yesterday.

With a well-executed plan, he took me to dinner at Tokyo Lobby, our favorite Japanese restaurant, following a friend's wedding. As we pulled off the freeway, he even bought me red roses from one of those guys that sells them at the offramps. He's pretty tight with money, so this was a splurge, especially for being a starving student at the time! In we went and were seated at a nice secluded booth . . . I had no idea what was coming! We finished our delicious meal and then he suggested dessert. "No thanks" was my reply, however he wasn't satisfied with that. He said, "just say yes!" Not really wanting green tea ice-cream, I politely declined again. He pressed still about the dessert, yet with a different question! His words went like this, "What I'd like you to say 'yes' to is to marrying me!" Shock and utter amazement overcame me to the depths of my soul! My tearful reply was a very happy "yes, I will!" He'd had the ring in his pocket the whole evening, in fact the whole day! Quickly, the ring was slid onto my ring finger for it to sparkle about! Shortly, we left the restaurant gliding on air. I'm quite certain I didn't sleep a wink that night or for several following June 30, 1990.

Our wedding would follow in 13 months, once he graduated from college with a degree in architecture. It was a looonnnggg 13 months, something I'd not suggest to anyone! Many days and evenings were spent sitting by his drafting table at his parents' home while he drew and drew and drew. Our wonderful day did come, but that story will be for another post come late July!!

Happy 20 years of being committed to one another, my dear Main Man!! I love you!

News, Glorious News!

2010-06-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

Even though it's been an incredibly long day filled with much emotion, I am compelled to write something about this here day.

Shall I start with the announcement that I remain "cancer-free"? Praise the Lord . . . I am cancer-free!! How spectacular to be able to put that in black and white. We left City of Hope with the news of a "clear" report! Late this afternoon, my oncologist entered the room with papers in hand . . . slowly dispersing the coveted information. "The bloodwork is perfect. The chest x-ray is clean. And, the scan . . . " (I thought I might fall off of my chair awaiting her next words.) She paused, which, of course, seemed like forever, but really wasn't. Then, she went on to say, "And, the scan looks very fine. There doesn't seem to be any evidence of cancer at this time." That's all it took, tears were rolling down my cheeks and my lungs were expelling huge amounts of air! Really don't know that there are words adequate to describe such a moment as this. So much anxiety has been wrapped up in this highly anticipated day. What will they tell me? Will I "get" more time or will there be more cancer? The "land of what ifs" is a dangerous place to visit in your mind. I don't recommend going there, however, I don't know how not to go there. Each of the scans I have done in the last five years have held so much drama for me. If only my walk could rise to the level of complete trust in Him and His perfect plan. While I am thrilled with the news we were given today, I do feel rather guilty for my lack of faith and worry that I allowed to creep in. Worry?? Who am I foolin'? It didn't creep in, it blasted it's way through my life for the past too many days.

So, here I am with yet another opportunity to sing the praises of this mighty King I serve! It's quite easy to do so with a good report. Would it have been this easy, however, with a report of different outcome? Hmmmm . . . He knows my heart, my desires . . . AND my weaknesses. Such incredible joy it brings to know that He still loves me in spite of my oh so real human-ness.

As I head off to sleep, my mind is overwhelmed with the course of events of the past couple of weeks. I am so honored that my dear Lord would choose to grant me more days on this earth. May I use them to glorify Him, seeking Him in all that I do!

Owner of Pennies!

2010-06-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

Well, as it should happen, this note of one of my dear children surfaced this evening as I was putting things away! It got me to giggling as I thought "what must people think I am teaching here in this home"! Thankfully, the second grader is responsible for this and not the seventh, ninth or eleventh grader. Perhaps the unit on Abraham Lincoln deserves a repeat visit to "clarify" some issues of misunderstanding! But for now, I'll just remember what good old Abe really stood for . . . according to a seven-year-old!

On another note, it has been asked of me when my upcoming CT scan is as referenced in the last post I made. It is scheduled for next Wednesday, June 23rd (the 41st birthday of my little sister). When I leave City of Hope from that long day, I should have results stating where I am concerning "cancer surveillance". At times, my mind can barely cope with the thoughts of what I've already heard three times before. What will I hear next Wednesday? Will I be "clean" . . . or will there be more cancer? The Lord knows and cares even more than I do about my cares. He is providing peace and calm in this rough sea. I just keep making trouble for myself as I focus upon my "issues" instad of focusing upon Him.

Should the Lord place it upon your heart, I would be most grateful for prayer for my family and me as we go through this necessary testing. My six-year-old cried to sleep last night wishing for mommy to not have anymore CT scans and doctor visits. Crushing words to my heart -- I didn't even know what a CT scan was until I was an adult. My five young blessings sure have had an unusual amount of stretching done to their faith. While I wouldn't have chosen this path, it is God's choosing . . . therefore it is perfect and okay!

Distracted . . . For A Moment

2010-06-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

QUESTION: How does one dear husband attempt to distract his wife from the thoughts of an uncoming CT Scan?

ANSWER: Take her and her precious blessings to Balboa Island for the afternoon, of course!! Eat a late lunch at Ruby's on the Pier and have a Bal-Bar for a treat to top off a rather "distracted" day!

Yes, that is how we spent the better part of this day . . . trying to be distracted! Spending the day being with those I love most on this planet, at a place I thoroughly enjoy being at, under the protection of our gracious Lord . . . all this equals a recipe for pure joy! There's no denying that my mind has a weakness for wandering, wandering toward thoughts of this "cancer check-up". However, when my focus is upward on Him, all things become just that . . . "things". Cancer is a "thing". It does not define me even though it is an element of my life. It must not be allowed to control my life and steal what the Lord has blessed me with . . . TODAY!

Here are some snaps of those I love most and the "distracted" fun we enjoyed today!

Hello There . . .

2010-06-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still here! And, yes, this is one sorely neglected "place" in my life!

Thankfully, the neglect is not because of bad things. Just over a week ago, we returned home from a 24-day road trip to the east coast and back. The better part of April was spent preparing for this "journey" across the country. And, just about all of May was spent on this "journey"! While we were gone, I wrote about each day's events and, of course, took many many pictures. My goal is to post about each day as it happened . . . once I transfer it from the laptop! Don't give up on me, I'd love to share this amazing "journey" with you and record it for my family!

Stay tuned . . . it's coming!!

How Old Is Grandpa??

2010-04-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

-- television, penicillin and polio shots;
-- frozen foods, Xerox and contact lenses;
-- Frisbees and the pill.

There were no:

-- credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented:

-- pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers or clothes dryers (the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air), and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first . . . and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends . . . not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

-- 'grass' was mowed,

-- 'coke' was a cold drink,

-- 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and

-- 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

-- 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,

-- 'chip' meant a piece of wood,

-- 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and

-- 'software' wasn't even a word.

And, we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

I'm sure you have this old man in mind . . . however, you are probably in for a surprise!

Today, this man would only be 60 years old!

Find Your Wings

2010-04-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, while taking a tour of my favorite blogs, I came upon this recent post by Kelly at Kelly's Korner. Yes, I am taking the opportunity to share the beautiful message she already put out there, but with my own slant! I'm sure there are some of you who know who she is, however, I'm certain there are many who don't! If you don't, you should go visit her . . . she is a lovely Christ-focused new mama in love with her husband and always has a good bit to share!

So, this post! Find Your Wings is an incredible song about the love a father has for his children by Mark Harris. The video with this is amazing and can be a tear-jerker. The father/child clips are overwhelming, taking me, personally, down so many different paths. Vividly, I was reminded of those early days of our children's lives, as well as the unfolding maturity each of them are experiencing today. Truly, where have the days gone? Spiritually, I was really struck by the intense desire our Father has for each of His children. When I consider the deep deep love my husband has for his children, it serves as a reminder of the even deeper love the Lord has for me. I struggle with this as my earthly father was not of this caliber. He provided life's material necessities for me, but rarely ever hugged me or told me he loved me. This has greatly affected how I receive the Lord today. In order to gain my father's acceptance, I had to earn it . . . so very different from the Lord's acceptance. What a shame that at 44, I am still struggling to freely receive all that He has to offer me. Perhaps, this very simple video accompanied by this song will draw me into fully opening this magnificent gift God has got so readily waiting!

Don't you think this is how the Lord cares for us . . . with such gentleness and pleasure!

The 73rd Tooth

2010-04-09T23:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, we said goodbye to yet another one of Sarah's teeth! She has lost a count of three in the past seven days . . . two upper fronts and one lower side. Having already gone through this with the four children prior to her, you'd think I'd be okay. Well, I'm not! I love little baby mouths! Too soon, she'll have to grow into the expected adult-sized ivories! Of the 100 teeth my children will have lost when it's all said and done, I've got 73 in a special box . . . of course, all marked with their name and date of fall-out!

But, for now . . . she's just delicious in her toothlessness!

Flowers From My Flower

2010-03-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

There is a child in this home that often times I call my little "flower". She was born after the loss of two babies significantly into their pregnancies. Her arrival was filled with much "joy" and was something especially unique because, after five boys, she was our first daughter! Immediately, she was so different and has proven to be that still to this day. She is soft, delicate, lovely, gentle . . . such a beautiful reminder of God's goodness to me! This said child is my Hannah Joy, my precious flower!

Last weekend, on a pantry-filling trip to Costco, she and her Daddy kept whispering aisle after aisle. They would not let me in on their secret! Nearing the front of the store, we passed the fresh flower area and then it happened! Hannah could barely contain herself as she sought for just the perfect "bunch" for her Mama. Of course, pink roses would be the selection for the day . . . something she and I both just lose our breath over! This week, as they have sat on my kitchen counter, I have been reminded of many things. Perhaps the most impressive reminder, however, is the magnitude with which God loves me! He loves me so very much that He has blessed me with this dear child who just oozes love. She is such a precious pink package! Ooohh, I just love love love her!

Happy Birthday Sweet Sarah!

2010-03-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Here I sit writing this in the wee hours of the morning . . . the very same wee hours of the morning that would begin the arrival of our sweet Sarah six years ago! Today, the baby of our family, Sarah, will become six years old. There's something about six that is so very different than five. Don't know what it is . . . it's really not that much more time. Six just "sounds" so much older than five. Having a five year old made it seem (just at tiny bit) like I still had a "baby". If you know me, you know that I absolutely adore babies!

Since I can remember, I've wanted a house full of children . . . lots of 'em! I guess, to some, I do have a house full of children. There is a problem, however . . . these said children are growing at an alarming rate! And, there is no replenishment on the tail end of more babies joining our family. That's the part that just grieves me. I don't want to be "that" old that we're done having babies. I remember when we got home from our honeymoon and I went to the market for the first time. There on the rack heading toward the produce department, was "Bride's" magazine. It hit me . . . I've been "that" now, no more dreaming of "the day"! A bit of sadness, until I noticed "American Baby" sitting right next to the bridal mags! Alright . . . this is gonna be great, babies are on the horizon! So, even though that was nearly 19 years ago, it feels like yesterday. How can I have a child almost graduated from high school? How can my baby be six? Why are there no more after her? It really hurts that this cancer I fight eliminated my ability to have more children. I'm still 20 something years old . . . right? Well, maybe in my mind! Thus, the quandary I find myself in . . . life's just moving way too fast. I do take time to "stop and smell the roses"! I take a billion pictures to "preserve" the precious memories that are being made! I sit and enjoy the skin of my babies (okay, maybe the little girlies more than the big strappin' dudes these days!) . . . and I love their smell, too! I thoroughly enjoy being a mother -- it's the most incredible experience!
Back to my sweet Sarah! Her day started with a 1:00 a.m. "something's not feeling right" statement to my dear sleeping husband. He jolted out of bed, fearing a freeway delivery! A special friend arrived within minutes to send us off to the hospital to "check on things"! Upon arrival, I was progressing rapidly toward the delivery of this precious pink package. Just less than five hours later, our sweet Sarah made her way into our arms! Such a dark haired beauty she was with a look all her own! My Main Man and I, were again, overwhelmed with this "gift" that was before us. Such a treasure she became in only moments! It wouldn't be long until her three brothers and big sister would set eyes upon her and fall in love as well! Our family had just become even more fantastic!
This dear child I speak of has so many characteristics. She is spunky and hilarious. She is gentle and maternal. She can be spicey and a bit naughty. She is snuggly and huggy. She has much to keep up with and does an amazing job. She is an incredible blessing in her unique special way! This little girl rarely is without "Pink Dress Baby" . . . her beloved doll. In her eyes, she herself is already a mother and lovingly tends to the needs of "PDB". I melt when I watch her . . . she makes my heart "jiggle"!
There are days, too, when I watch her that I struggle to hold back the tears. Her short little life has just about been completely filled with having a mother that has not been well. She doesn't remember life when we haven't prayed for God's hand to heal Mama of cancer. That's a big word for such a little girl, however, she knows no different so maybe it's "normal" to her. As a mother desiring the very best for my children, it's hard to "fit" the word cancer into their lives. However, as I've said before, this is one of those areas where complete trust in God's perfect plan comes to an absolute. His ways are not my ways, nor are His thoughts my thoughts. Praise the Lord! This circumstance called "life", that at times seems rather uncertain, has got my Lord in control. I need not worry, nor fear!
Sweet Sarah,

Happy Happy Birthday to you! You are a gift of blessing that "jiggles" my heart each and every time I see you or even think about you. I love that you like to have "snuggle time" with Mama. I love that you let me feel your skin before you get your jammies on! I love the pictures and love notes you make for me! I love that we both love the color pink! I love that you already love my Jesus! Will you call Him your own someday? That's the best decision you could ever make . . . choosing Him! Always remember that I have loved you since the day I knew you were on the way . . . a day 15 months before you actually arrived! Ask me about that sometime, honey! It's a beautiful story for a beautiful girl.

Happy 6th Birthday Sweet Sarah! You are so loved!

Love, Mama

God's Heart

2010-02-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I attended the memorial service for a woman that was murdered (she was the sister of my dear friend). My friend's family has been faced with one of the most horrific trials in life. However, this is not the only trial they are facing or have faced. Their circumstances make one begin to question how they can possibly endure anything else. Nineteen months ago, my friend's husband was diagnosed with a very advanced form of cancer. He's endured a great deal of suffering as he fights this dreaded disease. Thirteen months ago, my friend's mother suffered a debilitating stroke. Eleven months ago, my friend's mother was ushered into the presence of her precious Heavenly Father. Seven months ago, my friend's husband's cancer was found to have spread. Two months ago, my friend's father suffered a fall breaking his hip. His recovery has not gone well as his health is severely compromised. Less than two months ago, my friend's sister was murdered at the hands of the sister's own husband. Now there are two children without a mother while their father sits in jail.

It is not for me to even begin to wonder about all that has happened to this family in the past 19 months. Words escape me as I sit with her, trying to bring about some comfort. The comfort that I do have to offer comes from a great unending source . . . a source that never runs dry. That I speak of is from our loving God who is just waiting to meet us in the midst of whatever we are facing. My friend is a wonderful follower of Christ, having given her life to Him many years ago. In these last months, however, her relationship with Him has seen a whole new level of His love and provision for her. As her tears flow, she'd be the first to tell you of His mercy, grace and immeasurable compassion. While I attempt to comfort her, I leave being the one comforted and reminded of all that I live for. If only you could meet this dear friend of mine! She is a treasure!

In leaving the service today, I have new words burned into my heart that will never leave. It was said during this time of honoring my friend's sister . . .

"we can't always trace the hand of God, but we can always trust the heart of God."

Perhaps this is the real truth of what we go through here on this earth as humans. So often, the trials we face seem insurmountable and cause question regarding the accompanying suffering. Of course, we want understanding of the "whys" . . . however, all understanding is not for us to have. What we are entitled, though, is to know that the heart of God is always for our us!

Neutral

2010-02-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

What a word . . . "neutral". Not really certain what to do with it. I don't like neutral . . . not the color, not the feeling, not the gear on the car. Neutral's just kind of "there", not really being anything at all. Whatever it is, however, right now I'm it . . . neutral!

Simply considering the past four months, my head spins with wonder at how we've done it all. Recovering from cancer surgery is a major issue itself. Keeping schooling on track, another milestone for this homeschool mama. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, along with five birthdays (in our family alone) have all been celebrated . . . maybe a bit less than prior occasions, but nonetheless, celebrated! Our boys' basketball season is in full swing, occupying much time on this family's part! No matter the commitment of hours, it's a good thing. Between practices and games, the little ladies, Daddy and this Mama sit courtside many hours a week cheering on our favorite players . . . my three sons!

So, these accomplishments just listed should keep me out of "neutral" . . . right? I think to some degree, they have. Basketball has been a great distractor from the ever-present reminders of cancer's recurrence. It is with pleasure I "taxi" from one game to another with excited anticpation of just getting to watch my blessings out on the court! Birthdays and holidays have a natural way of making days "different". School is another thing for me, however. On this day, we are half way through the school year. Yeah! But at the same time, Noooo! In just three semesters, our first student will graduate high school. Strangely, I don't look forward to that day. Of course, I want him to keep progressing, growing, and maturing. BUT, I don't want this season to be finished. I have loved my role as "mama" since the day I started. Yes, there are four other precious children following behind this firstborn, however, as I have learned, life just moves more quickly with each one.

There is much for which to be grateful and joyful regarding my life. So, why then do I feel so "neutral". I've thought a lot about this feeling and state I find myself in. Why am I this way? I love color, feeling, moving, going, being . . . you know, sensations that are of substance. To me, it serves as an indicator of the Lord's presence in my life. While I haven't quite completely figured out this present condition, I do know it's real. I fear that "neutral" has arisen out of a need for protection mode. This third recurrence with cancer really caught me off guard. I've spent the better part of nearly three years battling concern about it's return. I was just getting the place of "relaxing" a bit when "it" reared it's ugly head again.

Maybe I'm just afraid to "feel". That stinks . . . I really like to "feel".

Common Sense

2010-02-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Common Sense,
who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were lost
long ago in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated
such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you can earn)
and reliable strategies
(adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly
when, well-intentioned but overbearing,
regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground
when parents attacked teachers
for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do
in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further
when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents
when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live
as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating
when you couldn't defend yourself
from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,
after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion,
by his daughter, Responsibility,
and by his son, Reason...

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not, join the majority and do nothing.

On Becoming a Mother

2010-01-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, I celebrated the sixteenth anniversary of becoming a mother! What a fantastic experience it has been! Years I spent dreaming of this role, however . . . never could I have imagined the precious child that would become my firstborn!

The day started like many others, carefully navigating the path downstairs with the "watermelon" that had become my mid-section. Having been on bed-rest for seven weeks, the loved ones in my life were more like drill sergeants in keeping me horizontal . . . "don't want the baby to come early" I heard time and time again. Well, this appointed day followed the routine 41-week doctor visit from the prior day. It was decided at this visit that labor would be induced in four days if it didn't start on it's own. Yes, there was great concern that I would deliver early due to regular and frequent contractions, thus bringing me home from work and flat on my back for such a time. James' due date came and went. Nothing shook him loose, not even a very large earthquake jolting us out of bed at 4:00 a.m. on his due date!

As this day began, so did some very unusual "feelings" and symptoms. My Main Man was nearly out the door to make best use of his time at the office before Friday's induction. I made him aware of my changing condition to which he threw his hands up and said, "TODAY?" A quick phone call to wonderful Dr. A-M re-directed the course of my husband's tie-clad attire. After a quick clothing change on The Main Man's part, we were off to the hospital in great anticipation of our new baby. (We didn't know James was a James until HIS arrival . . . it was a great surprise!) Being incredibly inexperienced in what would later become nearly a profession for me, this birthing day was filled with many unknowns and much discomfort. Pitocin took me to a place I had never been . . . and never wanted to return! The epidural brought about some sense of "normal" (if that's possible!) for which I remember commenting, "Wow, this isn't so bad . . . I could do this again!"

Labor progressed rather rapidly, for a first birth, bringing about the arrival of our precious son late that afternoon. Eight hours was all it took . . . and within the business day! For some strange reason, I didn't want to be an inconvenience to my doctor delivering after he was "off" work. Many reminded me that this doctor's chosen profession didn't have "set" hours! This boy arrived and was promptly named James! We couldn't take our eyes off of him . . . he was beautiful! We were FOREVER changed by this blessing!

Often times, I look at James as our "trial run" child. Everything gets "tried out" on him . . . some success, much failure. He has had to put up with a lot out of our lack of experience in parenting. James is patient and rolls with the punches. This however, has created in him very strong firstborn tendencies. The Main Man and I are both firstborns, so James is sunk when it comes to a "free" spirit! He has assumed his role with perfection and some persnikity-ness. James is one to be counted on for just about anything, always following through very efficiently! As we would later come to learn, these traits given by the Lord, have served him and our family quite necessarily as my health has suffered. James lovingly takes control under any circumstance. He will be a fabulous Christ-follower, friend, husband and father someday!

Dear James: You are an incredibly blessed gift to your father and me. We are grateful that the Lord would entrust your precious and very valuable life to us. At times, we are overwhelmed with the magnitude of your being and seriousness of what is before us. It is at these moments we fall before the Lord, for without His direction, all efforts would have tragic results. We are far far from perfect parents. However, we love you in a deep deep sort of way . . . like none other on this earth. Know that our attempts to do the best for you are genuine and always at the root of whatever we do. Your life has blessed us for 16 glorious years, we look forward to many many more! We love you!

Happy 16th Birthday dear James, you are gift beyond measure!

To Calm Your Soul . . .

2010-01-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

. . . listen and be soothed.

Revelation Song
by Phillips, Craig & Dean

Worthy is the,
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat

Worthy is the,
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Yeah . . . I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King,
Yeah . . .

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Holy, Holy
You are Holy!

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah . . .

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore YOU!

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Adore You

I cry Holy Lord, Holy Lord
All creation sings Holy
Holy, Holy
Lord, You are Holy
You are Holy

What a Bummer!

2010-01-20T23:01:00.000-08:00

So, not one of you wanted to participate with my "Delurking Day" post. Hmmm....

Meeting you was something I was looking forward to. It was really rather simple, just leave a comment telling me who you are. However, I guess you didn't want to be revealed. I'll have to live with that, though admit I was disappointed.

Delurking Day

2010-01-14T23:01:00.000-08:00

Hello . . . I know you're there (my "counter" tells me you've visited)!

Can we meet?

Won't you introduce yourself?

Please, it's blog "Delurking Day"!

I'd love to know who you are!

Thanks to Brianna at Little Green Pastures for letting me know!

The Threesome I Grew Up With

2010-01-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

During the past few months, I have had some real good fun with two sources of technology! The first being this here blog! I am enjoying the challenge before me in "recording" the life of my family . . . what's happening; what God is telling me; what's real inside these four walls. It has been great! The second bit of fun has been getting onto Facebook. I have connected with some great relationships from the past. You know, relationships that never soured, just distanced due to changing in the seasons of life. Many people say they don't have time for Facebook. That may be true if it's all you did. However, a quick check once in a while can bring about a good old charge from some you once loved so well! If you're not on Facebook, you ought to give it a try . . . very simple, fun and FREE! I've had wonderfully great laughs through it. Remember, "laughter is good medicine"!

So, this week on Facebook is called "retro" week. Don't know who started the idea, but it has permeated all avenues of my social circle! The goal is to have everyone put up an old photo of themselves for their profile picture. After watching several others work up the nerve to post such a thing, I fell prey to the temptation for some fun! In the search for just the right picture, I came across several too good to pass up to just leave in the old sticky page photo album. They simply had to come out for a bit of "re-examination"! And, here they are for your viewing pleasure! As the title alludes to, these are pics of my brother, sister and myself dating back to 1979. I hope they still love me after this!

Christy, Jim and myself at my 8th Grade Graudation -- June, 1979

Jim, me and Christy on the occasion of Jim's 15th Birthday and my 16th Birthday -- November, 1981

Me, Jim and Christy at Jim's High School Graduation -- June, 1984

Christy, Jim and me celebrating Jim's 21st Birthday and my 22nd Birthday -- October, 1987

Me, Jim and Christy at Christmas -- December, 1988

And look at us now . . . all fourteen of us! -- June, 2009

Should my brother or sister visit here, I hope they see that despite the funny hairdos and young faces, I cherish them and these memories. As siblings, we endured some very difficult days . . . together. No other person can understand what we grew up with, the joys and the lows. WE know though. I dearly love my brother. I dearly love my sister.

Something New . . .

2010-01-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I learned of a new "project" my dear friend, Michelle, has taken on. She is a wonderful child of God, wife, mother and friend! The Lord has used her mightily in my life and that of many others. Her focus is so beautifully upon the Lord, it is contagious.

Her new project?? Well, go visit her here and find out! I'm quite certain you'll be blessed just as I was!

The Contentment Project

A Love Note??

2010-01-11T23:01:00.000-08:00

Stooping over with my arms full of "stuff" to pick up what I thought to be just another piece of trash, this is what my eyes did feast upon . . .

This here note ought to eliminate any thoughts of perfection concerning my children.

Now for me, back to work, for this is an obvious reminder that my "work" is "still in progress"!

The Town of Harrington

2010-01-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

Today, we come to the end of a good run! As a teacher with her five students, this schoolhouse has been closed for four glorious weeks! As a family, we've had The Main Man home for eleven long uninterrupted days! Not too many "specific" activities took place other than the "necessary". A couple of days found us in jammies all day! Several days found us without having even left the house! All of the days found us relaxed and contented to "be". However, with the wonderful-ness of all this "relaxing", some of us "over-achievers" became a little itchy as the final days came along. What did we do with all this time "off"? Is there anything to "show" from not being obligated to our typical routines? These kinds of questions lead quickly from relaxation to discouragement . . . something that must be nipped in the bud. The reality that January 4th was just around the corner was not pleasing to any one member of our seven. Tonight, however, a certain movie held a providential message for us! Let me explain . . .

Yesterday, while at Wal-Mart, we passed by the "cheap" movie rack only to have the movie "Pollyanna" just about jump off the rack! Hmmm . . . never considered this one before . . . maybe the girls would enjoy it. Seems I remember it being a nice story from when I saw it as a little girl. Done . . . purchased for to be a good evening activity. Since the movie is 134 minutes, it was split over two nights, this evening holding the conclusion. Perhaps you're familiar with the story, so I'll not go into detail here. (If you're not, there's a summary at the end of this post.) As our family watched this story unfold, it became clear that our home is like that of the town of Harrington. It functions very well, looking good from the outside. However, each of us was represented in the movie by a particular character, most less than desirable. It was decided that the girls really emulate Pollyanna together. They seem to always have a "glad" and joyful way! Aunt Polly is evident in that of The Main Man . . . rather stiff and greatly concerned about business. Mrs. Snow, the invalid consumed with her impending death, sorry to say, represents this Mama. No matter how hard I try, thoughts of my death are something that must be wrangled with everyday. It does draw a certain measure of stealing the living out of each day. Nancy, the dutiful, yet burdened, servant for Polly Harrington, seems to embody James, our firstborn. He is so good at managing things around here, although I wish his burden wasn't so heavy and that his heart was a bit more light. Jacob's got the Reverend Ford character down pat. He'll do what he's told quite compliantly, even if it's lacking the direction of "love". Then there's Jimmie Bean, the orphan, who seems to get into constant trouble, making some not so wise choices. Yep, that's our Jared! While this Jimmie Bean gets into trouble, you fall in love with him instantly, as his intentions are good . . . just like our Jared.

So, our home is the town of Harrington . . . a place deeply in need of "gladness". Actually, I'd rather consider it be a place deeply in need of "love", which really means Jesus. All of us would tell you we have Jesus, however is it evident? Does it direct all that we do? Our children are wonderful and you'd probably like them when you meet them. However, our desire is that they be the best they can be for the Lord, for what He has planned for them. Presently, we are short of that goal. This movie caused each one here to realize that all moments hold something to be "glad" about, just like Pollyanna did so well. Those "glad" thoughts, though, come with the direction of the Holy Spirit and making ourselves subject to His ways. Before we prayed tonight, we each listed something to be glad about tomorrow (even though NOT one of us wants to be back in our routine!). James is glad that school doesn't last forever. Jacob is glad that a day of school tomorrow brings us one day closer to the completion of the school year. Jared is glad that he can get an education, unlike Robert who we know in Africa. Hannah is glad her teacher is her mother. Sarah is glad that she gets to learn because it makes her more like her older siblings. This Mama is glad she gets to be with her children despite it being a school day. And The Main Man, however difficult his job is, is glad for a job.

As we considered each of these "glad" thoughts, we vowed to attempt to do this daily, which hopefully will become momently. I must believe that when the Lord directs us to be glad in all things, this is what He was getting at! There are many circumstances in our society today that keep us from being glad . . . will you surrender to this deceitful trap? With God's strength, we've decided to keep our focus upon Him and find something to be "glad" about in all that we do! Will you join us on this journey? While it will be challenging at times, I think we might all have a better 2010 despite whatever this year may hold. What are you glad about right now?

** Here's a brief summary of this sweet movie: Pollyanna is a young girl recently orphaned from her missionary parents who is sent to live with her very wealthy aunt, Polly Harrington. This aunt holds incredible influence in the town of Harrington, forcing many to do just out of fear, resulting in a rather stiff unhappy place. Of course, there are several dutiful servants keeping things in order, Nancy being one of note. Pollyanna has a delightful personality, always finding something to be "glad" about -- something her father taught her. An orphanage is located in the town that is poorly maintained which is of great concern to Pollyanna. As Pollyanna goes about her daily life, she runs into one after another sharing her "glad" way of being. Most are not receptive of her "ways" and criticize her tremendously. One specific orphan, Jimmie Bean, befriends her as she is fun and he knows how to escape the orphanage, but return without being noticed. As their escapades ensue, she encounters several townsfolk who ultimately fall in love with her. One, Mrs. Snow, is an invalid older woman bent on planning her funeral. She can't seem to think about living, only dwelling on dying. Another character is Reverend Ford, who comes to realize that Polly Harrington has dictated what he will preach about every Sunday . . . hellfire and brimstone. As the story goes, Pollyanna becomes instrumental in organizing a bazaar with proceeds to benefit the orphanage. Most in town become very involved, but not Polly Harrington. She'll have nothing to do with it and when she finds out that Pollyanna is involved, she forbids her from any further involvement. Pollyanna is heart-sick, but obedient to her aunt. On the night of the bazaar, Jimmie Bean appears at her third-story window after climbing a huge tree, offering to help her escape to participate. She accepts and attends the event with great fun! Upon her return home, Pollyanna can't get past her Aunt Polly without being seen, so she decides to go back up the tree and get to her bedroom by way of the distant tree limb. All was going well until the final step. She fell all the way to the ground ultimately becoming paralyzed in both legs. As the townsfolk learn of this accident, they swarm Polly's home with love, gifts and well wishes as Pollyanna heads to surgery in a nearby larger city. Polly was overwhelmed with this outpouring, coming to realize her lack of love and kindness. This accident caused one and all to come together for the good of each other. They were concerned for Pollyanna, yet realized the incredible gift that she came with . . . being able to be "glad" in all things, bringing a new sort of life to this town!

By Tens

2010-01-01T00:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight, New Year's Eve found us gathered together with our family of seven. A delicious dinner was prepared by Jacob and James . . . pasta with alfredo sauce, steamed broccoli, a fantastic salad with every "green" imaginable, Jacob's homemade flan for dessert, followed by freshly popped popcorn for our movie. The completion of our movie put us very close to midnight, so, of course, we were well-aware of the big changes only moments away! Sarah was fast asleep in minutes, missing all the hallway hoopla. Hannah, however, hopped out of bed quite concerned about the very loud "noises" she could hear outside. Jacob seemed quite passive about the whole thing simply wondering what might be going on on Facebook. Jared was very interested in seeing all the digits on his fancy clock do their "thing" with so many numbers changing! James was most intrigued with reading the beginnings of this post over my shoulder! We're not big party people, however we do like to celebrate . . . and celebrating comes most easy when this mama and daddy are with their five precious blessings! This next day is to become the year 2010!

Ten years ago, New Year's Eve found us strolling around Costco collecting "goods" for what many considered an uncertain first of January. Afterall, it was to be "Y2K" . . . remember? There was so much hype and fear and concern about "what might happen . . . would computers know what to do with the change from one century to the next?" The silence inside this massive warehouse was deafening, bringing about a certain sense of intimidation. Heading home with our three sons, we "tucked" away for the night with a rented movie. Since they were only five, four and two, sleep without interruption was our goal. Shortly after midnight, The Main Man and I were sound asleep . . . wondering what we would arise to find in the morning. That next day was to become the year 2000!

Twenty years ago, New Year's Eve found me as a single girl spending the night with my dear friend, Karen. We were contented to pass the hours at her family's home enjoying the time together. At the stroke of midnight, her mother gathered us together and spent time focusing on my friend and me. We talked, prayed and shared hopes of what the next year would hold. Both of us girls, having participated in numerous weddings, had high hopes that this would be the year our marital statuses would change. Little did I know that come April of this new year, a very nice male friend would change the status of our friendship! In June, I would receive and accept his marriage proposal, happily wearing an engagement ring from this very dear man! That next day was to become the year 1990!

Thirty years ago, New Year's Eve found me as a newly fourteen-year-old ninth grader. This particular night, there were children in my life . . . just none to call my own! During these junior high and high school years, I was a sought after babysitter. The calls for my services were constant and quite often resulted in many being turned away as I was already "booked"! Seems to me that the Gale children were my charges for this December 31st. The parents of this boy and girl typically had me reserved months in advance . . . and paid me well for the night! God so used these years to stir a rich love within me for children. That next day was to become the year 1980!

Forty years ago, New Year's Eve found me as a four year old little girl with a new baby sister. Can't say that the memories are very clear of such night. It is probable that I did not see the turn of the clock to midnight, that I did not hear the noises of celebration echoing outside, or that I even knew what was going on! That next day was to become the year 1970!

These paragraphs have hit on some significant points in my life thus far. There are, however, even more "points" in between these paragraphs that haven't been written about tonight. Much of these "in between" zones, I look back to find the Lord's hand, His mighty direction, gracefully and strategically carrying me from one decade to the next, even from one century to the next. This is to be called my life!

Happy New Year to you dear ones! Whether you're my child reading this or a dear friend or one I don't know . . . may you find the Lord in all you do, trusting Him for your every step. He so dearly wants to call you His own!

These are a few . . .

2009-12-31T20:49:00.000-08:00

. . . of my favorite things (at Christmas dinner that is)!

Auntie Donna's
Candied Yams . . . .

Jacob's Brussels Sprouts

Creamed Peas with Pearl Onions

. . . and, "Punkin" and Pecan Pies!

How Christmas Looked Here!

2009-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

Though it is just a "tid" late, didn't want these pics to slip by! These are some captures of what our Christmas morning looked like here with our seven. We had a wonderful time together . . . together just as we like it to be!

The Main Man and I have now celebrated 20 Christmases together! Our life is so blessedly joyfully "full"!

Following are some pics of my beloved extended family! Together, we had fourteen at our home for a wonderful Christmas day! It was so good to have our "Virginians" with us!

Indeed, it was a very nice Christmas celebration! Despite the rough time I had in December, our time was joyous. My husband and children were so patient and helpful. Without the boys putting together the trees, the girls helping with decorating, and The Main Man's "keeping things in order" . . . none of our day would have happened. Auntie Donna made delicious dishes for us to savor, Uncle B whipped out a mean batch of potatoes, and Jacob's brussels sprouts were oh so tasty! We ate well and cherished the time!

Merry Christmas one and all!

Before January 1st . . .

2009-12-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

. . . I'd better get my Christmas greetings out! Just mailed the Christmas cards today! Here's a glimpse of what was sent . . .

We also included a fun type of letter that captured our year in "numbers"! It's as follows:

2009 BY THE NUMBERS

168 Relaxing, delightful, fun-filled hours spent vacationing on Balboa Island!

34 Cumulative years of homeschooling taught this year by our beloved teacher, Mrs. W.!

18 July 27ths have now been spent celebrating our marriage!

1,116 Days celebrated on September 8th of Cathy being “cancer-free”! September 29th marked the erasure of that milestone. Successful surgery followed in October, removing this third cancer recurrence.

365 Mornings Sarah has been found cuddling “Pink Dress Baby”!

74 Native West Virginians who’ve asked if Hannah’s a native too (she’s lost six teeth!).

33 Posts written about our family by Cathy on her blog.

3,748 “Lines” completed by James in a single hand-held Tetris game!

12 Months Lee has provided well for our family working long hours while sleeping short ones!

25,085 Hours until the next Presidential election. :)

2 Stitches received by Jacob after stabbing himself in his hand, but not while cooking!

99,999 Beats beaten by Jared. (He later received a drum set for his birthday!)

16 Inches grown in height by the Williams children.

240 Work days Lee has wanted to change careers from adult babysitter at Riverside Community College District to a small town Wal-Mart greeter!

163 Friends Cathy has on Facebook! Are you one of them?

1,000,000 Times we have been thankful for wonderful family and friends like YOU!

1 Birthday party for our Savior, Christ Jesus, who came to save this world! Happy Birthday!

Wishing you a joyful Christmas from our family to you and yours,

Lee & Cathy Williams
James, Jacob, Jared, Hannah and Sarah

Jacob's Celebration

2009-12-26T20:27:00.000-08:00

Celebrating our Jacob's fourteenth birthday was great fun! It's always wonderful to celebrate this dear child who was born 3.5 weeks early. The nurses that fabulous day were shocked at this 8.5 pound "preemie" . . . can you imagine what he would have weighed had he been born on his due date in mid-January? We jokingly say he couldn't wait for Christmas, being carried out of the hospital in a stocking! The party-goers at this fiesta for Jacob were all family members who love him so. He is special to many!

This second child of ours blesses our home in ways so unique to him. He is the middle of three boys, yet the second oldest of our five. He just might have the "sweetest" spot of all! He rolls with the ups and downs of this place never seeming to get out of sorts. He's quite skilled at keeping up with James, however can easily fall back and hang with Jared. He's a fantastic leader for the little chicks, watching out for them with great care. Each of us are better because he is in our life!

Jacob's birthday gifts this year were focused on his love for being in the kitchen. We all benefit from his natural abilities when it comes to food and the preparation of it! Frequently, he cooks our dinner, trying out "new" techniques and ways to serve certain items. Don't know that I've tasted something yet I'd "send back". His instincts are so right on! With these thoughts in mind, we cleared out a cupboard section in the kitchen and gave him items to have "fun" with . . . and to Jacob, this IS fun!! He was elated with his red checkered towels, red microplane, red mixing bowls, red spatulas, and a few other goodies to round out his inventory. Have you detected that his favorite color is . . . red? Stay tuned for a soon-to-be released video clip of "Cooking with Red".

Happy Birthday dear Jacob! We love love love you and consider it such joy to call you our child. It is a blessing to have you, watch you, nurture you . . . and love you!

On This Day . . .

2009-12-20T01:45:00.000-08:00

. . . fourteen years ago, I was pacing the hallway of what has now become a very familiar set of walls, monitoring contractions, stopping for breath, leaning upon my dear husband for strength. Although, on this particular final fall day, these pacings were only my second time of admittance! After two plus months of bedrest due to pre-term labor, reaching 36.5 weeks of pregnancy was a major accomplishment. The prematurity of this baby's arrival was readily received. A not-so-long day would be had before the arrival of this precious second child. Come 5:00 p.m. or so, we would find out that this new babe was our second son, giving our James a brother!

Today, we celebrate you dear Jacob!! As we head for a family celebration in your honor, know that you are loved beyond what words could describe! Pictures will be posted later of this celebration and the joy that you bring! I'm looking forward to the cake you made for your birthday party . . . you little baker!

Happy Happy Birthday, Jacob . . . I love you always!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

2009-12-17T20:48:00.000-08:00

If you're not familiar with Tim Hawkins, a Christian comedian, that must change! Here's a sample of something he's offered up for Christmas. There's much more to this hilarious guy . . . go to www.timhawkins.net if you'd like to see more of his comedy!

Now Here's Some Christmas Spirit!

2009-12-15T23:51:00.000-08:00

Someone shared this with me on Facebook and I thought it was simply fascinating! If you've got about three minutes, sit back and enjoy this group of men hit it hard for Christmas! You'll need to scroll to the bottom of my blog to pause any music that might automatically play when you enter here! Enjoy!

What's Behind the Front

2009-12-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

My house looks beautiful, doesn't it? At least we like the way it looks! It's really rather simple to gather some lights, garland, and other pretties . . . hang and fluff 'em . . . and you're good to go for a lovely decorated "front". Probably gives the idea that Christmas celebrating is in full swing here on the Lane on which I live.

My home, however, is another story. You know, the area "inside" these house walls. This referred to "area" looks no different than any other day of the year. There is no not one bit of decoration placed for which to indicate that Chrismtas is only 12 days away. This makes me sad. The Christmas season typically brings such a celebratory mood for me. Easily, I can get caught up in the decorating and shopping and wrapping and baking and eating! Remembering the birth we go to such great lengths to celebrate is something that doesn't leave my mind, even with all the commercialization at this time of year. That being said, there are still the emotions of this life that come into play and are seemingly "distracting" what I should be doing. Yes, "should" . . . can't seem to get the "want" within me.

This house "front" is something of similar nature to my own life. Recently, I feel like I've got a "front" on for the viewing pleasure of others. Each day is a challenge of late, feeling like there's always something behind me . . . pushing me to get through. There's not much drive within me, yet I keep going, attempting to find a joyful purpose in each moment. The children's lives do help in steering this steamboat, for which I'm grateful.

Last night, I was lovingly scolded by James regarding my lack of posts this week. He warned me that I'd lose readers' interest. Off to bed I went pondering these thoughts. Back and forth went my brain. Shall I write the truth? Shall I share where I'm at? Shall I make it look like I've got it all together? Shall I put on a "front"? I'm so not into "fronts". Truth and realness are huge issues for me and how I function . . . even if they are less than delightful. I suppose this is the cause for my lack of posts. Having fallen into a bit of a trap, I feel not so pretty about what to write. (Oh, and about "readers' interest" . . . I am honored that you read, however, this blog is for purposes other than popularity. Not sure than I can yet fully grasp what God's plans are for these writings.)

Regardless, there remains two points to consider here. First, Christmas is only 12 days away. My children are well aware of this fact! Hannah has had a countdown going since early November . . . longer than most traditional red and green paper chains would ever be! Second, the "side-effects" of cancer hitting our home for a third time, are having some reeling affects. Three times is too many for any home. Shoot, once is too many for any home. As hard as I try to avert it, this cancer fact has kind of got me. Additionally, it is being fueled somewhat by the lack of an ovary. This past week held a doctor visit to consult about how this is changing my body, resulting in lack of energy and challenged emotional state. There have been some extrememly emotional days here in the last six weeks. Is this what is stealing my mood? It certainly is not fair to my husband and children who have been so patient and good to me during these past couple of months.

So, in dealing with these truths, how do I muster up the "spirit" of the season? How do I make myself not the subject of a "front" but what is reality within me? During this writing, the answer has come to me. Of course, it is to call upon the name of the Lord. Is this not what we are to do at all times? Having grown up in a home where Christmas was simply another time of "fronts" and lies, the pressure I place upon myself to not repeat those experiences is tremendous. It is a lie from the enemy to think my home is anything like my childhood home. It is NOT and will never ever be . . . whether or not there are decorations. Perhaps this year we will learn a bit more about what Christmas is all about. Maybe the lack of decorations and such will cause our focus to be more on Him and the birth of His Son. We are setting aside a day, a season to celebrate a most incredibly blessed event that perhaps loses some clarity with our American-style celebrating. I believe we can celebrate this year . . . just not in the typical fashion with which we're accustomed!

Two weeks ago, the girls each purchased a pink Christmas tree from Kohl's that were on a screamin' sale. The Main Man had a slight question regarding their color, but, quickly was informed by the Main Pink Lover that the Junior Pink Lovers just about melted upon seeing them on display! They are out of the box and have been clad with ornaments appropriate for such tone. There are pearl white ones, there are soft opal-type pink ones, there are clear ones with blingy sparkle paint, and there are even a few Hello Kitty ornaments! So very different from anything of prior years . . . but, oh, so very cute! These might possibly become the decorations for this year. The boys are lovers of their sisters, therefore, they are enjoying these trees! It has even been said today that they each would just love to "be" together during our time away from school and not get so stressed out with the "shoulds" of the season. This Mama seems to suffer terribly from the "over analysis" bug! Why don't I receive the cure for it that is so easily dispensed by my precious children . . . "just sit and be with us Mama". Now those are beautiful words!

So, what's behind the front? As far as I can determine, this woman here is very human, yet very passionate about her Heavenly Father. That makes for a challenge at times and presently, at this time. I'll rise to the occasion and celebrate His birth regardless of what seasonal items may be on display. That, to me, would be the eliminating of this thought of a "front" and placing truth where it ought to be . . . right out there in "front". Maybe the lights on the front of the house are kind of like the make-up we sometimes put on to perk ourselves up just a bit. And in that application, we find another measure of ability to keep going!

I'm Singin' . . . Are You?

2009-12-05T00:15:00.000-08:00

You might have noticed the change in music as you logged on today! One of my loyal readers suggested a change in tunes since December is here. I was glad to accommodate her . . . my sister, Christy! Merry Christmas and let the season of celebration begin!

Christmas music is one my favorite things of this time of year. Having gathered an extensive collection through the years, we probably have more than is possible to listen to! So as to not make that a problem, we enjoy our Christmas music from mid-November through January . . . a unanimous family decision. There's always much sadness as the ginormous "stack" goes back in the drawer to wait for the next year. But, for right now, we are singin' and havin' a celebration! Hope your time of celebrating His birth is underway in glorious fashion . . . regardless of the magnitude!

What I Am Missing!

2009-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Having just finished watching a rerun of The Brady Bunch, it all became so clear to me! I have married an architect. I have three boys. I'm only one girl short of three girls. BUT . . . I have NO Alice!! Now, this is the answer I have been looking for! Have you ever paid attention to what Alice actually does for Carol Brady? The list is endless, making Carol's existence so very simple. She always looks lovely and is in a delightful mood for her dear husband, Mike. What do you suppose they paid Alice for her services? Is there room in our budget for such an expense? Hmmmm......

Gramma's Request

2009-12-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

My Gramma, the only one I've ever known and the one I love so very much, called yesterday! It's always a treat to hear her voice on the other end of the phone! Since she thinks I'm so busy, it's a very rare thing for her to call possibly interrupting me. She is right, I'm busy all the time. The part she doesn't seem to grasp is . . . I'll ALWAYS make time for her, she's a privilege for me! After we caught up on the "how are yous" and such, she got to the point. Last week, she had come to our home and spent the night to be here then next day for Thanksgiving. We had all Wednesday and Thursday with her here, something each one of us immensely enjoyed! During that time, she asked about seeing this here blog. As she doesn't have a computer, she's only heard about it from my cousin, Jessica (her sixth and youngest grandchild) and me. I printed out a copy of all my posts and sent them home with her to read at her leisure. Yesterday, she pulled out her pom-poms and cheered me on with some very "Gramma-type" compliments. She's got to be one of my biggest fans! I'm quite certain at some point in her life she donned a cheerleader outfit with the biggest pom-poms you've ever seen (we just haven't ever seen any of those pics!). She encourages like no other and makes you think you do most, if not all, things "just right"!

What was she requesting you ask? This dear Gramma of mine wanted to be added to my hardcopy mailing list! She doesn't want to miss a post. This makes her the very first "subscriber" via the US Post for my blog. Of course I'll "print copy" for this rather unusual request with great honor, keeping her up-to-date on all her first grandchild writes!

Here's a few "love bits" about my dear Gramma:
* She became a grandma the day I was born.
* Our birthdays are just three days apart . . . she was so hoping I'd be born on her day!
* This year, I became half her age! She turned 88 and I turned 44 three days later! Strange to think she became a grandma at my age now!
* Her maiden name, Coleman, is the middle name of our third son, Jared . . . named in her honor.
* She's affectionately called "Great Blue" by the great-grandchildren. When I was very little, I distinguished her from my other grandma by calling her "Blue Gramma". For years, the adults didn't understand the "blue" in her name, but used it anyway. As I got older, I revealed to them the very sensible association of her to the light blue 1964 1/2 Mustang she drove!

So, here's another post for you to read, Gramma! I'm sure you didn't think your request would result in this. It did, however, give me opportunity to share some about you and the wonderful person you are! I love you in ways too deep to put on paper! Thank you for loving me each and every one of my days.

The Prayer of My Child

2009-11-30T22:45:00.001-08:00

Tonight was a toughy. A nightly routine we have is to pray as a family before putting the children to bed. Usually this happens in the girls' room with us "piled" together. We follow prayer time with all kinds of kisses and hugs and laughter and giggles and even some tickles! We like to be together.

So, tonight was James' night to pray. He's got Mondays since he's the firstborn. (Many years ago there was much controversy over who got to do it on what night. We came up with a simple solution . . . Monday-James, Tuesday-Jacob, Wednesday-Jared, and now Hannah has been added to Thursday and Sarah to Friday.) Back to tonight's prayer time with James. I'm cuddling Sarah in my arms and listening to James as he so beautifully brings requests and praises before our precious Lord. There are times I am overwhelmed with what is going on the minds of our children. Tonight was one of those times. Many many evenings, petitions for my health have gone before Him. The requests have been many from healing to freedom from pain to "clear" CT Scan to . . . well, you know. As James came upon my name and asking for there to be "no more cancer ever", I was hit hard. Here's my nearly 16 year-old baby begging for his mother to never have cancer again. That nearly breaks my heart, yet at the same time honors me beyond what words can describe. I'm not sure what to do with it all. Perhaps, just being grateful and praising the Lord is the best way to handle this heart-gripping emotion. Trusting in Him is a given on this one!

Nope . . . I'm Not!!

2009-11-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

Frequently this experience happens to me as I go about my daily life. Whether I'm shopping at Target, Costco or JoAnn's . . . eating at Del Taco, Ancho's or Chick-fil-A . . . sitting at a park, waiting in a doctor's office, gathered with other homeschoolers, or simply spending a few minutes while at the car wash, IT inevitably occurs! People . . . they are watching us!! Since the children are with me most of the time, all five of them, I seem to draw attention without really wanting or realizing it! My children are quite cooperative, don't throw food, never run in a store, and most of the time, are rather resepectful. You should know, though, they are human, do sin, and there are times I'm not pleased with their choices! However, when we are "out", the stares we get are not because of unruly behavior . . . thankfully! Perhaps, because I've always dreamed of a large family, I do not think larger families are strange, odd or even utilizing too many resources. I am intrigued, fascinated, and find "watching" them enjoyable! It is with this understanding that I'd like to think most people "watch" us. Hopefully, our life is a pleasing to the eye, respectful to others, but most of all . . . honoring to the Lord.

With this in mind, I have received comments too numerous to list regarding the size of my family . . . many nice ones, but surprisingly, most of them not nice. While I'll not get into the "not nice" comments, some of the "nice" ones still have me laughing! I think remembering the nice ones keeps the sting of the not nice ones at bay. Today, I received my newest favorite!

The day had been busy in the school room and tummies were growling. The children had kept up the pace and were working hard at their studies. Feeling "thankful" for their efforts, I offered to take them to Del Taco for lunch. Of course, they were thrilled! While we were finishing our meal, this nice Hispanic man came in, placed a to-go order and sat near us to wait. Within seconds, he started glancing at our table, noticing how many were seated. Thankfully, he had a smile! It wasn't too long until he worked up the nerve to ask if all the children were mine. With delight, I said "yes, they are"! He smiled bigger and looked at each child's face. Then came his reply . . . "and you're not even Mexican!" This tickled me to the depths of my soul!

As quickly as I processed what he had just said to me, I began to wonder, why can't a white woman have a large family. On many occasions, I have been told that some have thought me to be Mormon or Catholic. This gentleman from today's lunch probably wouldn't have looked twice if I were Mexican. But, a white woman . . . now that puzzled him. While I have no problem with any of these other classifications of people, typically, my response is "I am simply a Christian who loves the Lord's blessings."

I'm still giggling . . . "and you're not even Mexican!" That's a good one!!

Healing vs. Consequence?

2009-11-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to bed pondering this disease called "cancer". It really is an awfully destructive thing. So many are affected by it . . . both the patient and their many loved ones. It hits people of all ages and stages of life. Recently, I've been "linked" to several different stories of those deep in the battle. A couple of these have now been ushered into the presence of the Lord. Their "battle" is over, yet the "battle" still ensues for their loved ones. These loved ones are left to pick up the pieces, figure out a new normal, learn how to function without this significant person in their life, and perhaps most challenging . . . handle the moment-by-moment emotion that now grips their heart.

Friday, I will attend the memorial service in celebration of a wonderful woman's life. She was a victim of this awful disease. There are many who must now "go on" without her -- husband, children, grandchildren, countless friends. She was . . . vivacious, full of life, full of love, possessing a passion for our Lord! There is reason to celebrate her. There is comfort for her loved ones in knowing where she is now dancing. But . . . she is still gone.

Another family is learning to cope with the loss of their three year-old daughter to leukemia. Pictures of her sweet little head without hair during her final days evoke undescribable heartache. However, she too, is now dancing before the Lord. Again, another comfort to this family, yet their arms are empty and aching.

Brain cancer is likely to take another dear man in the days ahead. He has suffered greatly as he has fought with such vigor. His wife and ten year-old son now spend every moment possible with him, often "doing" for him as the damage to his functioning abilities have severely limited speech, movement, and comprehension. They are savoring all they can with him, yet at the same time preparing for life without him.

Two sisters live with the thoughts of who's next. They have witnessed cancer claim their brother, sister, and mother. Cancer is currently waging war upon their other sister, yet it hasn't won. Certainly this family with many many loved ones walk as best they can, trusting in Him, yet trying to balance the reality of their human genetic condition.

Then there is the man (husband and father) who is awaiting the next scan results. What will it reveal? Will there be more cancer after such an aggressive and invasive treatment recently endured? What about the "spot" on his lungs? As this family tries to function in the "normal", there is no question what is lurking in the back of all their minds. What is next? Cancer was never part of their dreams for the future.

Two and half years have passed for a dear woman and her two young daughters since they said good-bye to their favorite man. He was wonderful! I'd known him most of my life. He fought a one and a half year battle with brain cancer and then his suffering ceased . . . he became free, into the presence of the Lord. These ladies of his now function alone without their provider, protector, and biggest fan. While they are "surviving", how does one adequately prepare in advance for the devestating results that comes from a loved one's death? Who wants to "plan", financially and otherwise, for the void that is created by cancer's claim?

These just mentioned are dear to me. I have known their stories and their lives, some better than others, but nonetheless, known them. Oddly enough, all of these dear ones are part of my life, not my life as a result of cancer. Of course, then there is my story that comes into play as I think about these others. As I was trying to fall asleep last night, my mind kept going between healing and consequence. Why doesn't healing come for all? Thousands upon thousands of prayers have been lifted up on behalf of these dear ones, yet healing hasn't or didn't come. As humans, are we suffering because of the consequences of our actions? Is it because of routine choices we don't even understand that are a result of decades, perhaps centuries, of neglect upon our bodies? There are so many scriptures with clear direction of asking for God's healing and the truth that He will grant it . . . yet I witness not this gift. Or, maybe my thoughts of healing are not quite the same as His.

What do you think? Certainly your life has been scarred by cancer in some way or other.

Naming Names, part 2

2009-11-15T23:00:00.000-08:00

Can't quite even figure where to begin with this "naming"! As previously written, there are those "places" that rise above the norm. It's easy to drop dollars on their counters as the pleasantness of their ways removes any sting in the release. In fact, it becomes quite easy to frequent these locations as it slightly resembles Cheers . . . "where everybody knows your name"!

Well, we have just this place. It has nourished many many many a meal for our tummies! It all started almost eight years ago after a marketing trip to Stater Bros. to gather some simple groceries. As I was shopping, the morning sickness of my sixth pregnancy was horribly increasing. I was buying anything and everything with the thought that each of the items would soothe the churning about me. So, groceries were paid for, loaded in the car, however, we'd not make it home to partake of even one of these delicacies I had chosen. As . . . there it was, across the parking lot not far from our car . . . the life-sized "Macho Burrito" splashed across the window of Del Taco Woodcrest!! Could it be more beautiful or appetizing? I think NOT! It was a "have to have" moment that would forever change the course of eating for our family! Not having been too fond of Del Tacos in the past, those thoughts were shoved aside in efforts to obtain this delicious-looking Mexican feast! Certainly it was "just what the baby ordered"!!

Then it happened . . . we entered the door, it was getting oh so close! While I didn't initially realize that this wasn't like just any Del Taco, quickly I became aware of the difference here. The boys and I ordered . . . and ordered big! Of course, the Macho Burrito was the first item, followed by tacos and quesadillas. Relatively rather simple food really . . . but, incredibly fabulous on taste! The tray arrived and we dug in. There was one bite after another after another, with not much talk going on. Every item we ate, was amazing! We left and I, the morning sickness sufferer, was totally satisfied. You know what that meant, yep, we'd be back the next day for the very same thing! And that we did . . . for five days!

As we were "nourished" at this fast-food establishment, we began to meet those behind the counter. They would laugh and smile as we would arrive the next day followed by the next. Before this five-day run was over, my husband joined us and discovered this hidden gem we were feverishly talking of! It didn't take long for us to be considered "regulars". They welcomed us . . . what a warm feeling! But more importantly, they provided a fantabulous product and served it with a smile!

Fast forward nearly eight years . . . these "people" have become friends, real friends. They have ridden the roller coaster with us of morning sickness, pre-term labor, new babies, cancer, chemotherapy, and yet more cancer. These "people" . . . Robert, Denise, Diana, and their wonderful crew, have even delivered our favorite menu items to the house to "perk up" our days. They call to check on us when my health has kept us away. They've surprised too many times to count at the door with a bag of "comfort" food on some of our very darkest of days.

Our hearts jump when we think about this place we affectionately call "Cathy's Kitchen" . . . but, better known to most as Del Taco Woodcrest! Thank you for your beyond the mark food service. You've touched so much more than our tummies, you've reached the depths of our hearts! We love you guys!

Happy Birthday to Mother Nut!

2009-11-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

On this day, the fourteenth day of November, in the year 1949, a dear dear soul was given breath. She would forever change the lives of any she came in contact with . . . especially mine! As I wrote about before, she and I have just celebrated our silver anniversary. Her life has been one of the best birthday gifts I've ever been given (remember, we met on my 19th birthday). We've had an over-abundance of fun, smiles, tears, laughter, heartache, uncertain journeys, hilarious experiences, but most of all . . . the heart-gripping type of satisfaction that comes from one who has completely penetrated the depths of your being. That, my friends, is the place of Nancy Drake (aka Mother Nut) in my life. She loves me like few outsiders ever have. She loves my husband and children like most have never. We love her as if she were our own. Oh, Mother Nut, words escape me at this time to even attempt to convey the love we have for you. Above all, know this . . . you've got us and our hearts! We love love love you!

Happy Happy 60th Birthday dear Nancy . . . Mrs. Drake . . . Mother Nut! You're one of a kind . . . the "kind" we just love!

Naming Names

2009-11-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

The clock's been ticking and my body has been healing. This third time of recovery just hasn't been as challenging as the other two. Could it be that my children are three years older, that I've "been there, done that" twice before, or that like birth . . . it just gets easier the more times you go through it?! However it is, I have to fight with myself to keep my activities to a sensible level. But things, they are a changin' . . . I'm getting stronger each day! Today was the "follow-up" visit with the surgeon . . . how is it possible that three weeks will be tomorrow?

Tuesday, I took a little drive. Jared had an appointment near where I could take care of a few errands. With a short list in hand, we headed out . . . just my Jared and me! As we took care of business, God's little "kisses" were evident at several of our stops. These "kisses" got me to thinking about our "life" here in Riverside. While it's not exactly the city I thought I'd be living in, God has blessed us abundantly here and we do have a good life . . . good, being defined by "who" is part of it! It may sound strange to have friends at some of these places, but, indeed they are friends!

Spencer's Pharmacy: Is it really possible to be friends with the Pharmacist? YES! You see, this pharmacy isn't like Walgreen's or CVS . . . they are like family. They know who you are, greet you by name, remember if you're needing a refill, will deliver to your home, don't make you "wait and shop" while they fill your prescription, and best of all . . . their smiles are real and constant! Thank you VJ, Sandy, Mary, Kristina and the other kind-hearted girls that take the yuck out of going to the pharmacy! You are a cut above and a delight to see!

Pena Chiropractic: Another service-oriented establishment! Here's the skinny on this place . . . you drive up into the parking lot, maybe passing by the single glass entrance door. After parking, proceed into the office to find they noticed your car as it rolled by, resulting in your chart already being "pulled" and ready to go! Of course, your name has already been used by a smiling Jamie, James, or Connie. Then, after you're seated at "table one or two", Dr. Pena arrives with a smile and hands ready to "adjust". Prior to the adjustment, he always takes time to find out how his patients are. I am convinced he cares! Again, smiles abound here as well!

Dr. Jack Kavanaugh's Office: From the first step into this Orthodontist's office, we were "sold" on the service they would provide for our four "crooked" sets of teeth! They greeted us with respect and had, again, smiles! One might think this was a sales ploy . . . most definitely NOT. After innumerable visits, the smiles are still beaming and the friendliness just grows with time! I dare say, it will be sad when this teeth straightening experience comes to an end . . . never fear, however, we have two more "crooked" sets of teeth in the home that just aren't yet fully matured! This office has done more than just take care of braces, they have touched our life! Thank you Dr. Kavanaugh, Karen, Tina, Judy, Collette, Annette, Maria, T'Ann, Leah, and Melanie . . . you take the mundane out of such a process as braces and make it FUN! We always look forward to seeing you!

Trader Joe's: Is it possible to get nourishment for your stomach as well as your heart from a "market"? It is at TJ's! Upon entering the store, we're always greeted with smiles from any employee we "run" into! They're ready to help and check stock if the shelf is empty. I so appreciate this as I usually need more than just one of most things! At the checkout, smiles and friendliness are just part of the register experience. Diana, James, Mr. Mango-Man, as well as so many others make check-writing rather painless! Thank you TJ's for kickin' it up a notch while buying milk, bananas, cereal, yogurt, tea, etc. You make it oh so easy to try something new!

Do you detect a theme here? Yes, smiles! Have you considered how a smile touches someone? How it may change their hour or day? They are a fabulous gift and one that doesn't cost too much on the part of the giver. I am honored to be able to "name names" here, drawing praise and attention to those who rise above the otherwise monotonous tasks of daily life. Your "service with a smile" stands out and brightens life's moments! Each of you are cherished and bring smiles to our faces.

Fred O. Cooper

2009-11-10T22:35:00.001-08:00

Today is the birthday of my beloved Grampa, Fred O. Cooper. He would have been 94. Grampa had nearly 91 beautiful years of life, entering the presence of our Lord only three weeks before his birthday. He was THE man, setting the bar high for any to follow. Part of his incredible beauty was his ability to love. Never have I met anyone who loved so unconditionally . . . from the mailman to the grandchildren to the grocery clerk to the great-grandchildren to the neighbors to the in-laws to his children to his wife, my Gramma.

Gramma and Grampa's marriage was a love-affair that far surpassed all. Don't know that I ever saw them "just sitting" without their hands clasped tightly. Indeed, it was wonderful! I had the privilege of living with them for the almost five years following high school graduation. What a gift it was! During that time, I was taught what love between a couple meant . . . something I had never learned before. I also was loved on and encouraged in a way that was so very new to me. Those years rate as some of the very best in my life!

Long ago, I remember hoping that my Grampa would "know" my children. As my boys grew, that desire turned to a longing for my children to "know" my Grampa. That they got to do . . . he was like their Grampa, too. I wish my girls would have had more time with him. They, though, have a heart stuck on Big Papa from their own memories as well as those that are fueled by the many photos of the years.

His last days on this earth were tainted with terminal cancer. Six months before his passing, we learned of this awful disease that was ravaging his body. During this same time, I was battling my second recurrence of cancer. What a challenging time it was. He and I had CT Scans the same day . . . both revealing undesireable results. We shared tears, love, and words that will be impressed upon my heart forever.

Grampa . . . my favorite, the one who was like my daddy, the one I terribly miss.

Seven & Forty-Four

2009-11-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

Seven . . . the number of blessedly joyful years that Hannah Joy has been in our home, part of our family, bringing such sunshine to our life! She became the introducer of "pink" to our very "blue" home. Her ways have softened our very male boys . . . they melt with any of her requests. Her Daddy is the biggest "sucker" of all . . . bending with just the slightest flicker of her eyes. Her Mama can't get enough of her, often times having to refrain from hugging her too tight. Her sister, arriving 16 months later, adores the bigger girl that cleared the way to high heels, fancy dresses, elaborate hair clips and anything pink. What a fantastic gift she is to our home . . . we are truly blessed! These seven years . . . ahhh, these seven years . . . pure joy with her. Happy 7th Birthday Hannah Joy!

Forty-four . . . the increasing number representing the years God has given me on this earth. Oh, how thankful I am for each of those years and the memories they hold. Of course, the memories that are most dear, are the ones involving my precious family . . . the day we fell in love, the day we became parents (and again, and again, and again, and again), the intense love that grew as our family grew. We are one great family and I am so very blessed to be the Mama of it!! Thank you, family of mine, for making #44 such a grand celebration. When we're together, anytime's a party!

It is an extra-special treat to share our birthdays so close together . . . just nine days apart! Happy days they are!

The Mountain

2009-11-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

Before reading, scroll to the bottom and click on the song "Rescue" (#5) from my Playlist. Let it play as you read . . . allow the Lord to join you here.

You are the source of life,
I can't be left . . . behind.
No one else will do.
I will take hold of You.

I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue.
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved,
Capture me with grace . . . I will follow you.

You are the source of life, and I can't be left . . . behind.
No one else will do.
I will take hold of You.

'Cuz I need you Jesus, to come to my rescue.
Where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved,
Capture me with grace.
And, I need you Jesus to come to my rescue.
Tell me, where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved.
Oh, capture me with grace.
I will follow You.
I will follow You.
I will follow You.

This world has nothin' for me.
I will follow You.
This world has nothin' for me.
I will follow You.
This world has nothin' for me.
I'm gonna follow You.
This world has nothin' for me.

I need you Jesus to come to my rescue.
Oh, where else can I go?
There's no other name by which I am saved.
Won't you capture me with grace?
Lord, come and capture me with grace.
Capture me with grace . . . I will follow You.

I will follow You.

As I spend these days now recovering, I am plagued with thoughts of the future. Thoughts of how to get through these next "hurdles" toward that seven-year mark of being cancer-free. It seems unattainable . . . rather unachievable. There were 1,116 days toward that 2,555 day goal that had been conquered and won. They are now gone. As of 11 days ago, I find myself starting over yet again. Now on my third attempt to climb the "seven-year mountain", I take a deep breath and grab onto the Lord, once more. Don't know that I'll ever understand this repeat visit to the foothill region of my mountain. Perhaps I don't need to understand. I do know that as I "climb", I see Him and His beauty. Haven't I already crossed that stream, creek, ravine? Haven't I already struggled to get over that boulder, slightly slipping a time or two? Haven't the trees been so dense, I couldn't see what was next? What does He want to show me this time? Is there something I missed before . . . maybe something of intricate beauty? Maybe the path this time won't be as treacherous? Afterall, I've already cleared some of the brush, scrub and weeds on my two prior trips up this same hillside climb. You know, it's really not of concern what the "path" may hold this time. I'm quite certain that if I knew the end from the beginning, I wouldn't even take the first step. It is He who keeps me, strengthens me, comforts me, guides me, blesses me and even calls me His own! His promises are true and real to take care of this step . . . the only one I need to deal with right now. The next step is yet to be . . . with Him there as well!

So, as the song said, He is the source of life, my life, and I won't be left behind! He has repeatedly come to my rescue and captured me with grace! These are strong words that pack a powerful punch . . . words I'll cling to for strength.

Decidely, I will follow Him.

Had Your Liver Squeezed Lately?

2009-10-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

You just never know what they might tell you when you get out of surgery! Yes, I have had my liver squeezed . . . not just once, but twice now. It seems to be standard procedure to "squeeze" the liver when having colorectal surgery, especially when cancer is present. Since colon cancer tends to navigate to the liver and lungs, a good check of the liver is in order when a surgeon's hands are deep inside your abdominal cavity. Squeeze away . . . did it feel good? "Felt great," I was told by the surgeon! Appears to be a healthy organ. Praise the Lord!

Nearing 48 hours home now and feeling a bit better than yesterday. It's good to consider that I'm nearly a week beyond surgery. Seems like a very long week, but at least it is getting further and further behind me. Moving around is becoming easier each day.

Surgery went well with no complications. Three areas of suspicion were removed with only one of those being positive for cancer. It was discovered that my left ovary was filled with cysts and there was a tumor on the back of my uterus. We were so glad to be told that pathology determined these two areas to be cancer-free. The third "spot" was the original area of question raised four weeks ago. It indeed was proven to be cancer. Discouraging? Yes, very much so.

What to do now? Well, it really won't be much different than it has been for the past three years. We'll continue to trust in the Lord, waiting upon Him for leading in this very uncertain journey. One thing is very different, though . . . I was 1,116 days cancer-free, now I'm six days cancer-free.

So, here's a challenge . . . is there anyone reading this that has had their liver squeezed? Let me know, I'd be very interested to know who shares this experience with me!

Home Sweet Home!

2009-10-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Doesn't that sound beautiful? Well, let me tell you, it IS beautiful! I am so very glad to be home, out of the hospital, lovin' on my babies. It's been a long long day, but a great one. Headed for a nap at present with plans to share a bit more later! Thanks for all your "love" on us from wherever you may be . . . we are so very grateful for each bit of it! We are especially grateful for your prayers on our behalf . . . our hearts have been touched in ways too deep to convey.

Ahhh, it feels good to be here!

About Us from Jacob

2009-10-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

As a longtime, presiding member of the Williams household, I'm pretty familiar with all the "goings-on" around this ranch. I can tell you that things are a lot different without our well loved Mama. Although we are missing her very much, we are taking part of many fun activities with our dear Hudsy and Mrs. Drake! On the day of mom's surgery we started off with doughnuts for breakfast and made macaroni+cheese (...umm) for lunch with Mrs. Drake! We later let our lunch settle while watching a "Bonanza". We parted with Mrs. Drake in the late afternoon when Hudsy arrived! Not really feeling like cooking anything we departed to eat dinner at Chick-Fil-A. When Saturday rolled around Hudsy and I made pancakes and sausage patties! All the ladies went on a bike ride around the block, while the boys went to help a neighbor plant a tree! Filling ourselves with delicious Del Taco, we came home to play many exhilarating games of Aggravation. Hudsy took us down to the park where we had lots of fun playing around. Having dinner accomplished and the girls in bed, all the boys and Hudsy aka senior played Aggravation and watched a "Bonanza" marathon ...I won't tell you what time we went to bed! Sunday hit and we ate breakfast and played more Aggravation...if you haven't guessed already we LOVE to play Aggravation with Hudsy. We did a couple of errands and ate lunch at In-N-Out and visited the park again, unfortunately wind cut our time short. More late night Aggravation and "Bonanza" brought us to Monday. Having our late nights catch up with us, we were sort of sluggish and didn't do much except for going to the post office and forgetting what we were going to mail!:) We had a nice lunch delivered to us by Del Taco Woodcrest...the greatest Del Taco around! We turned on a little Food Network while reheating our dinner of leftovers. Another night of Aggravation and "Bonanza" ensued. Rumor has it Mom will be returning in the morning!!!!! We love you Mom!

About my wife from her "Main Man"

2009-10-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

We are thankful to the Lord for his mercy toward Cathy during and after surgery. We are still at the USC hospital today, but I am able to post an update on her condition remotely.

On the afternoon of October 23, my wife was feeling fairly good considering that she had just been disemboweled, and the surgeon had "squeezed her liver" and other internal organs (ouch!). Cath is pretty tough, and upon arival to her room said her pain was "3-4" on a scale of "1-10" (her similar surgery three years ago registering a "10" during this same post-surgery period). However, on the 24th she developed severe pain (6-7) in the area high on the right side of her chest which even overshadows her abdominal pain. After no results from several tests and procedures to determine the cause of her chest pain, we are presently awaiting the results of her 1:30 PM CT scan. Also, her bodily systems appear somewhat sluggish and so we must stay until her systems fully "wake up". The doctors and nurses here at USC are providing Cath with good care, for which we are grateful.

Would you please pray with us that these complications would be resolved quickly and that Cath would be able to go home tomorrow?

Lastly, thank you so very much for your notes, calls, flowers, meals, and other kindnesses to my family!

About My Mom From James

2009-10-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Praise the Lord!! Surgery is over!! I just got off of the phone with Dad and he said that things are going smoothly. During surgery, the doctors removed one of Mom's ovaries that they said felt strange, but pathology said that it was fine. They also removed a tumor that turned out to be benign. The spot that had showed up on the CT and PET scans was removed, but we won't have the results for several days. Mom has significantly less pain than she did in her other two surgeries, but it is still there, of course. If all continues to go as planned, Mom will be home on Monday.

Thank you all for your prayers. Please continue to pray that the pathology for that last spot comes back as non-cancerous and that Mom's body heals quickly.

Here I Go!

2009-10-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Well, if one can be ready for cancer surgery, then I'm there. Bring it on! Let's get this poison out of my body and on to the other side . . . recovery! I've run the gamut of emotion in the last few weeks and now it's time to "just get it over". Still can't say that I "want" to do this, but I know I've "got" to do this.

God has been so very good during these difficult weeks of navigation. We've heard so much question, so many bad statistics, so much uncertainty from those in the medical field. And, then there's the Lord! He's a pillar of stability and strength in the storm. He never wavers. He never works with a spirit of confusion. His way is definite and His way is true. I've found that as long as my "focus" is on Him, the path is clear, the path is direct, and the path is blessed! We have seen His hand in mighty ways, too certain to ever doubt.

While there are no guarantees of anyone's tomorrow, I do KNOW who holds the future and what the end of the story is . . . a beautiful eternity with the Lord. What do I need to fret, He's the author of each and every one of my days!

Thank you seems inadequate in reference to the incredible encouragement I have received from so many. The Lord has used these words to "soften" the days, put a smile on my face, a giggle in my soul, and an assurance that He is working! I have been blessed beyond measure and stand stronger knowing where my strength comes from.

So, here I go . . .

CAUTION: Ugly Zone Ahead

2009-10-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

Tears . . . they are flowing today. My heart is beating fast and the reality of Friday's nearness is setting in on my nerves. Plain old truth, I don't like surgery. Don't like to be "down". Don't like to depend on others to care for my family. Don't like to burden my children yet again to care for me. Don't like the intense pain that will plague me for the coming weeks. Really don't like to miss my daughter's birthday. And, really really don't like fighting the thoughts of what will happen if I don't make it through surgery. I'm battling that issue something terrible right now. In a way, I feel like I'm "nesting" . . . you know, trying to get everything caught up and prepared for my absence. So desperately, I want to come home . . . to a mess, to housework, to laundry, to marketing, to schoolwork, and most of all to children who need to be cuddled. I WANT to be needed. I WANT to be the wife and the Mama . . . it's the very BEST job I've ever had!

Alton Brown Book Signing

2009-10-17T23:42:00.001-07:00

This day began early at 5:10 a.m., after a patchy night of sleep in great anticipation of our adventure to meet Alton Brown, star of the "Good Eats" television show on The Food Network! This guy happens to be Jacob's very favorite one to watch. Mr. Brown is educational, entertaining, and eclectic...all fantastic components for a budding young chef. Jacob is passionate about food and the preparation of it, therefore Alton Brown is his kind of man. Of course, knowing this, what else was this mama to do but get up at 5:10 a.m., leave our home by 6:25 for an 87 mile jaunt to San Diego. Our biggest fear was the potential line that may already be forming around the building...this guy's popular! Well, I won't tell you how fast I drove, but we were there by 7:34 a.m. and there was NO line! That meant my Jacob was to be the first person to meet Alton Brown on this here Saturday in San Diego! After assessing the lack of other people, we made a quick pit-stop across the parking lot at McDonald's. Jacob's skin was just crawling he was so excited! At 7:45 we settled at an outside table to wait it out until 11:00. James brought a deck of cards and instead of playing "spoons", we played "straws". We all won some and we all lost some! Thirty minutes later or so, a few other AB Stalkers began to arrive, who I believe were rather disappointed to find they weren't first. As 9:30 approached (Costco's opening time), we positioned ourselves at the garage-style front door to migrate to the "signing table" inside! Anticipation was mounting, hearts were beating faster! The first glimpse of Mr. Brown was caught at 10:40 and quite quickly the Sharpie marker was with cap off ready to go! Indeed, much to Jacob's thrill, he was the first to receive a "hello"! A list of questions had been prepared, however they were immediately forgotten with the intensity of the moment for this 13 year-old! I must admit that I was a bit tongue-tied myself. If you've ever wondered what he's like in person, I don't think he does much acting on screen! The boys said he "talks and acts" just like on the show. He was kind, yet moving quickly! The line that was so nothing at 7:45 had now grown to fully encompass six aisles! Copies of his new book were seemingly growing legs and walking right off the shelf in stacks of three and four! We had accumulated a healthy stack ourselves, taking opportunity to do a little birthday/Christmas shopping with this unique visit. Being in the group of the "first 100", we even were given copies of two different sets of his DVD programs! BONUS!! Our time was quickly coming to end as he finished off the last signature. It was sad...maybe we could grab a couple more books? I think not, The Main Man might have a slight problem with what was already signed! We stepped away, arms full, somehow being able still to click the cameras as if we were paparazzi. We found a shopping cart to hold our new treasures. Jared was placed in charge of this arsenal! We "hung" out for a bit more trying to get just that perfect shot of this very gifted man. James and Jacob's pictures haven't been downloaded as of yet, so maybe they got that "one". It came time to leave this arena of excitement for, of course, something to eat! All this talk and looking at his food books, makes a person hungry once the action has subsided. Well, being completely on overload, all we could come up with was a dog and soda out at the Costco Food Court! Can you believe it...hours have been spent about this Alton Brown Adventure and now we settle for a hot dog? Yes, it's true! All of this show-watching and food-educating, and we are no different than most others...once in a while, just looking for that quick and easy bite! What a fabulous day! This adventure was a success! I hope he remembers us!

The Date

2009-10-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, today I got the phone call. The phone call giving me the date of surgery...a date that would now become another significant date on my "lifetime" calendar. You know, the calendar recording dates of birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, monumental events...and now for me the date of my third surgery to remove cancer. I am looking to the Lord to make this date one that will go down in history with healing significance in the archives. Interestingly enough, the date happens to already hold tremendous importance . . . Hannah Joy's 7th birthday. I'm rather torn about having this surgery performed on such a date, however God's hand is evident and we'll trust!

So, the date: Friday, October 23, 2009 at 11:00 a.m.

Surgery? Radiation? Chemotherapy?

2009-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

So, it may be apparent by previous posts that the cancer I have been free from for three years has returned. This third visit is, of course, very unwelcome, though something that must be dealt with. Over the past 13 days, nearly 23 hours have been spent with doctors or keeping chairs positioned in their waiting rooms. An additional 16 hours has been spent driving to these very "necessary" appointments. Let's not forget the countless hours invested in processing all that has been told to me. It seems difficult to talk about anything else.

Tuesday held a significant appointment with my oncologist at City of Hope. She has been directing "what was next" since this questionable discovery on the CT Scan of 9/29/09. Multiple procedures and appointments have occurred to define this "spot" that now has been confirmed by PET Scan to be cancer. What to do? Surgery? Radiation? Chemotherapy? All have been discussed, yet none but surgery is certain. The "Tumor Board" at City of Hope is even stumped as to a "plan". It seems they have a consensus that chemotherapy would be of no value to me considering my history. The Radiation Oncologist refuses to do radiation until after surgery. That means that surgery will happen first and we'll prayerfully consider the next step. Now we focus in on surgery, yet this panel is even divided concerning this. As you can imagine, this is extremely unsettling for us. We have placed a great deal of trust in them regarding my care. At the conclusion of this appointment Tuesday, I had no further details regarding "what was next", except that they seem to have found another spot. What? Where did this come from? Where is it? With little certainty of it's truth, the doctor is now functioning that it is possible I have wide-spread cancer throughout my abdominal cavity. This news is simply awful.

Leaving her office that day, I had to make a decision. Quite quickly I realized that this very discouraging appointment was meant to "shake" my world yet again. My focus has been so upon the Lord during this new season...would it waver now? The enemy would want nothing more than for me to fall. Again I say, discouraging? YES. Faith shaking? NO! I'll, too, walk this journey with my Lord.

While there is great faith to be implemented here, there is also the "thinking" factor. You know, using the brain God gave me to make educated decisions. With the extreme uncertainty demonstrated by City of Hope in the last 13 days, we decided to get a second opinion from the surgeon who performed my second surgery. Today, we visited USC Norris Cancer Hospital where I was a patient during my chemotherapy four years ago. The surgeon there was fantastic! He was just what God ordered for the day! He spent time studying my scans and reports even taking them to further be examined by their specialist in radiology. These doctors could NOT find a second spot! What? What do you mean? In two days, we have experienced such extremes. This surgeon is confident he can remove this original spot detected two weeks ago...no question! My goodness, Lord, you have swooped in and picked us up yet again!

Tomorrow will hold the phone call to request surgery to be performed by this surgeon at USC. For reasons yet unknown to us, this direction seems to be so filled with peace and clarity. Thank you Lord for meeting us where we are at. Thank you, too, for the compassion shown us by this very intelligent physician. We are grateful!

As details arise, I'll share them here. Having been through this surgery twice before, I'm more aware than I'd like to be regarding the pain, recovery time, etc. I'd so covet your prayers for me and our family as we walk this road. While I have great faith, I am human as well and subject to the things that aim to weaken us. I'll admit I'm nervous, uneasy, and probably rather scared. This is where that gift of earlier today comes into play..."Open your eyes and look upon the handiwork of God". Lord, I'll praise you for you are here with me!

Open Your Eyes . . .

2009-10-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

. . . and look upon the handiwork of God!!

This verse, from a song playing in the car today, penetrated my soul to the very depths. I had been singing along for a couple of minutes when God really allowed my mind to capture the essence of these simple words. This wasn't just an idea or thought, this was a directive straight from above! I looked to my right and found my James...indeed a handiwork of God. Peering over my shoulder, I found my Jacob...another handiwork of God! The mirror captured yet more of His handiwork...Jared. Looking a little deeper into the mirror, Hannah and Sarah were reflecting, again...His handiwork. My heart was bursting! He has used these precious babies to so abundantly bless my life and reveal so much of Himself and...His "handiwork". I had to let out some of this joy! Belting out the last few lines of the song (which I had set to play again!), I really let it flow! Quickly, however, Sarah brought things into perspective. Her beloved baby, "Pink Dress Baby" (aka PDB), was sleeping and I needed to quiet down! Such joy!

Ode to "Mother Nut"

2009-10-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Is there a special someone in your life that really doesn't have a category? You know, they're not a neighbor, not a co-worker, not a somebody you know, not a relative, but...much more than a friend? Well, I have one of "those" and I don't know what to call her! She's incredible, lovable, unforgettable and just plain makes life a whole lot more worth living. We met on my 19th birthday while working at Nordstrom...she was just a bit older than me about to turn 35 only two weeks later. It was love at first sight! Our friendship was sealed, sealed in the heart FOREVER. She was a special someone who loved me just the way I was...kinda shy, tryin' to figure out how to fit in, rather young for this corporate office, and, oh so, innocent. She had a police officer husband, two precious boys and an empty front seat! You know what that meant...field trips aplenty, always full of fun and adventure. Of course, laughter was a given, sometimes until the sides hurt.

Fast forward 25 years (on November 1st)...we're still together! Now, we've added six more to this "relationship". My husband and delicious children are simply "gone" on her! She's a smashing success here in our home. Try as I might, words just don't suffice in describing the absolutely amazing impact her life has had on each of us! Whoever would have thought what a simple day working in the Collections Department would have added to my life...a God-given gift that makes my heart skip a beat!

Stay tuned, this photo will be updated with one that shows the beautiful woman she is...this one was just TOO GOOD to pass up! Remember, "laughter is good medicine!" Proverbs 17:22